Just sitting here listening to music…ranging from One Direction to AC/DC to Beethoven & now Tainted love *laughs*…& was thinking. I really truly do believe in love, & that makes everything so much more confusing because even tho I really do believe in it, every time I think I might have found out I get gut punched. I know everyone has those issues, but it’s still crap. There should be a clearer, easier way to tell, if only to save so much pain & heartbreak. I try telling myself that since I’ve gone thru so many tries that when I do find it it’ll be awesome & amazing even if I have to work my ass off to keep it, but lately…it has been so hard to hold on to at least a tiny bit of hope since I’ve lost most of it. I’m so tired of the liars & cheaters & even worse the ones who love you for what you can give them & how they make you feel instead of what & who you really are, or the ones who don’t necessarily lie but hold back on things…big things…they know would make all the difference in the relationship…for the good or the bad. I’m tired of fake people & shallow people & selfish people & people who act like their selfless but can’t think beyond themselves…I’m just so tired of so much of it. As I told a friend the other day, I’m as low as I can get because for me, self harm (except my emotional eating) has never even been an issue or question because that is never been something I’ve wanted to do or felt like I had to do to make myself better, but right now…I’m not much above that I’ll admit. Most of the time it’s like being in a dark, damp, misty forest where the mist is so think it’s like a blanket & all I want to do is hide there forever. But I’ve been concentrating on my weight & eating so hoping that will pull me out some since my normal standby just isn’t going to happen…every time I try to write all I can do is stare at the blank page & hate whatever’s giving me such terrible writer’s block.
Anyway, just needed to vent & rant again so huggies to all & thanks for your support even if it’s just as a like or comment or visiting & reading & hope you have an awesome weekend!
I hope everyone survived the holidays without too much trouble if not actually enjoyed them. And I hope this year is bigger & better & brighter than the last for each & every one of you.
For me, I don’t make actual resolutions but…I am going to try to change & keep working on some things this year so am going to make a list…that way I can come back & reread it whenever I find it difficult to keep doing these things.
- watching what I eat even better than I have been. I have been able to keep my weight at around 370 give or take all year so I haven’t gained any but haven’t lost any either so going to do what I can to work on that. Especially since because before Christmas break, I felt better than I have in a few years & I don’t want to lose that ground I’ve finally gained.
- Keep remembering that I deserve better & I don’t have to make myself uncomfortable or do things I’m not entirely happy with to keep someone in my life & happy with me. I am not that kind of woman & I will not become that kind of woman & that’s all there is to it. I am a lot of things & have done a lot of things but when it doesn’t feel right anymore…I will pay attention to that feeling & not ignore it or try to talk myself out of it because I…am better than that & I damn well know it.
- I will exercise & move more. As I said I was feeling better physically & I do not want to lose that. I’ve struggled too long & hard to let it go now
- spend at least an hour or 2 a week trying to write since I have this huge behemoth of a story that I need to finish & am just going to have to force myself to do just that
- eat more fruits & veggies!! And that includes potatoes only if I cook them myself *laughs* chips don’t count even tho I wish they did. And drink at least 2 bottles of water a day on top of everything else.
- Will cook a new dish at least once every 2 weeks.
- try to post at least once a week here even if it’s only a hi, how ya doing kind of thing. I’ve sucked a lot at posting on here & I’m sorry for that & very grateful for everyone who has stuck by & am going to do my best to do better.
I think that’s about it for now…will add more if I need to as I go along so hugs to everyone & hope that they have a good rest of the weekend & a good week this coming week!
for all of us who have a little princess or girlie girl in them *laughs*…
a unicorn farting rainbows courtesy of a screencap made from my favorite show…Supernatural. *laughs*
On another note…have started another blog…sort of a ranting get my feelings out kind of thing that’s more personal than this will be most likely & would love for anyone who’s interested to read it. I have it passworded but I know quite a few of you from either rl or your own blogs & have added my email at the bottom of both my about & crash course about this blog pages so if you’d like it…I’d be glad to share it with anyone who wants it. *smiles* Thanks for all the support & everything & will as always try to do better at posting! Huggies & have a great weekend!
Edit: *laughs & blushes* just realized I forgot to link the site…SafePlaceforG
This week has had alot of ups & downs that’s for sure. As I said last week I got a new scale & was pleasantly surprised that my weight gain according to it…since I think it’s in better shape than the old 1 & more accurate…was less than I was expecting so that made me a very happy woman. Been a struggle to eat right again but have only had to stand in the corner once this week so that’s an improvement.
Had a rough few days earlier this week because for some reason…out of nowhere…Duncan’s death hit me hard again. So hard I ended up crying myself to sleep Friday night. But maybe that’s what I needed because I’ve only had the urge to hold his urn & cry once since so maybe I just needed that for some reason. I can’t believe it’s been almost 2 months already as it is. But thanks to good friends & caring people I’ve made it thru much better than I ever expected so huggies to everyone.
Secondlife has been almost nonexistent this week because I’ve been on WoW or watching TV. I ran out of my stories to read so had to find something else to do. And WoW has been good if frustrating this week…especially this weekend. I have now accomplished my goals for this expansion. I said before we even found out that Garrosh was going to be the final raid boss that I was gonna kill that fecker if I could & damn if I didn’t last night. True, it would’ve been nice to get the heirloom weapon too but…I got the flipping cloak thanks to my kid & killed Garrosh just like I said I was going to & even just leveled another character to 90 about 5 minutes ago…a druid of all things…so for me I feel like things have kind of come around full circle. my very first character was a Tauren druid & I failed so bad at her…& even tho this 1 was a night elf druid…I did it….I got her ass to 90 & it feels good. *chuckles*
I even managed to write a little this week so that was good. Now I just have to get this fight scene done with & I should be good to go. *chuckles* Thanks everyone for listening & for the support & huggies to all of you once again!
Not much to say this week cause it’s been a nice boring week. No weigh in as my scale decided it wanted to be dead so am waiting for another 1 from amazon. Hoping it’ll get here in time for this next weigh in but not gonna hold my breath. Tho I did get a friend from work/neighbor who said she’d help me out & make me stand in a corner if i ate too much at work so that’ll be a help too. (and yes I’m serious about that…I really do have to stand in a corner or with my forehead against a wall…yay being a babygirl cause that makes it so effective.)
Oh & I did do 1 massively awesome thing this week…with my kid’s help. I love my kid. *laughs* He’s too much awesome.
Yays Legendary Cloak!
Now all I have to do is defeat Garrosh & yays I’ll have done exactly what I wanted to this expansion. I have until Nov 12 to do it so *laughs* let’s hope I can do it.
Also got to spend a little time on SL with some good friends today so that was a good thing. *huggies* to you…you know who you are!
And even was able to write a little bit on my latest story so yays for that too!
So this week has had more in it than I’d thought originally. *laughs* But it has been a rough 1 dietwise especially with not being able to weigh but I can just hope for the best. Hope everyone else is doing well!
As anyone who has been following my blog here for a while knows, I’ve been trying to find that special someone…& usually not having alot of luck tho I have met some amazing people along the way. But after these last few days…I have decided. I am…by choice…unless some miracle I can’t even imagine happens…will be spending the rest of my life single. Right now…I just cannot imagine…being in a relationship…& have given up hope of finding 1. I know they always say to stop looking & love will find you but for someone like me…doesn’t work that way. I have social anxiety, & am very shy on top of that, so if I am not pushing myself to get out & meet people…looking for that someone…I don’t leave the house except to go to work or the doctor, & really only talk with good friends online…with an occasional comment or answer back on someone’s blog. I am pretty much done with secondlife unless Arial wants me to get on there or 1 of my few other good friends from there, I play by myself or with my son or Arial or Lea on WoW so no meeting people because I avoid places with lots of people as much as I can…the normal clichéd advice just doesn’t work for me…what with me being the way I am. So…i’m hanging it up. Am even to the point where I’m not praying for a miracle because the constant trying & just finding people who could care less about my mind & who I really am & are much more impressed with my ability for quick arousal or multiple orgasms. That just depresses me beyond words & it’s easier to just not try at all & live with my walls up & in my own head than to try & get rejected or used over & over again. I know everyone goes thru that but I have never really learned how to properly deal with people…even now I have so many problems with it I’m not much better than a high school freshman at their most awkward stages. I’m that scared, awkward girl who hides in the corner at the few parties she’s forced to go to…hoping no 1 notices her so she doesn’t freeze up & look stupid. So I’m going to give up…& just stop putting myself thru it. I’ve been alone for the most part relationship-wise for the last 14 years…almost 15 since the last year of my marriage was a complete joke. There were 2 good ones in there tho 1 of them was alot better in my head than in real life. But the last 1 spoiled me enough so that I can’t accept anything less…refuse to because I know I’m better than that…so it’s time to do something about it. I know I’m rambling here but…I’m just thinking as I type. I know what I want & can’t seen to find it. I want a man who thinks my obsession with WoW & kitties & comic book movies & boybands & my constant fan girling is adorably or adorkably cute…who will encourage my writing or whatever else is important to me at the time & will help me discover & make come true my dreams. I would worship the ground that man walked on if I ever found him but as it is now…it’s just a pipe dream & I’m cutting myself off from the pipe.
Anyway…*laughs & blushes* sure wasn’t meaning for it to end up like that but…figured it was time to get on here & finally put my heart out there for everyone & show why I’ve not been around much. When you have things like that running around in your head…not much else can come out so there it is. Huggies to everyone & thank you as always!
And here’s day 3 – 3. Do you have a happy place & if so what/where is it?
I actually have a couple of them since 1 works some of the time & the other works some of the time but neither of them works all of the time. The first is of me & a semi-fictional character I have been in love with for more years than I can remember almost, in our swimwear during late afternoon, cuddled up together (yes with kissing & some groping too but not too much since we’re still dressed & in public) just barely above the water line, enjoying the waves coming up & just barely hitting our feet. For a long while, this thought was all I needed but lately life has been getting more frustrating since I can’t eat my stress & upset away, so I found another 1 that works for the really hard stuff. It’s loosely based on a combination of scenes from stories my best friend & I have written, so it’s a little different every time, but it involves the same semi-fictional character…tho not the same 1 as in the first happy place…& usually just a minute or 2 of running whichever version it is that day thru my head…I can face whatever’s got me in such a fit to begin with. He’s a very dominant type personality so it always helps me kind of shake myself & forces me to look at things from another perspective so it’s good for knocking some sense into me or me out of a fit, while the other 1 is better at calming or soothing me. So I have 1 for both occasions & thankfully I’ve not found anything yet that 1 of the 2 can’t help with…at least a bit. May not be everyone’s thing but for me…it definitely helps.
Thought I’d hop on here for a couple of minutes just because I’ve been so quiet here lately. Having a crap night with the diet but will live. Have lost 14.5 lbs so far on the diet & tomorrow is my next weigh in tho honestly the way this week has been I’ll be thrilled if I’m even still even with last week & haven’t gained any of it back. Suffering from PMS & the 4 week struggle & my best friend going to work after years of staying home because of family matters on her end & damned writer’s block so with all of the irritations & stresses I have no way of getting rid of any of them since I can’t eat or write my way out of them so has been a tough week. I didn’t mean to ramble & bitch but I guess even I can’t be sunny all the time. Hopefully will have a good weigh in tomorrow & a better week next week.
Thank you everyone who reads this for the support & fun chats we’ve had…it’s always a good thing & part of what’s kept me going & if there’s any way that I can repay it in any way just let me know & I’ll be glad to do what I can to do just that.
I’ve seen this on blogs I’ve read before but this week it just seemed like the thing to do. So here goes my first try at this!
1. Create your perfect job. What do you do? I write…& actually manage to sell the stories I come up with…at least enough to make a decent living off of. Well it’d either be that or be the love/sex slave of a few extra special celebrities…even I have to dream once in a while. *laughs*
2. What person has changed you for the better? My son probably. Helping him dealing with his shyness & ADHD has done wonders for me as well…taught me coping mechanisms I never learned & made me embrace myself more than almost anyone else ever has.
3. Cat person or dog person? I like both but since I have 3 cats that should speak for itself.
4. Who is your favorite relative? Why? My kid & my dad tie. Because even tho I’m around them all the time I still enjoy being around them all the time & that’s a rare kind of relative indeed.
5. Mop the floor or iron clothes? Mop the floor cause I’d just move somewhere it was all carpet *laughs*
6. Which would you rather have, a swimming pool or a gardener? Why? A swimming pool because we already have someone to mow our lawn…why would we need a gardener?
Bonus: Are you better at giving oral sex or receiving oral sex? used to be giving but it’s been so long now I’m not sure which way it would go to be honest.
What was the last book you read, and did you enjoy it? Why or why not?
The last book I finished reading was “Skin Trade” by Laurell K Hamilton. I’m just waiting for my shipment of the other 5 books to come in so I can get caught up on the rest of the series. And yes…I love the books…totally & completely. This is the 2nd time around for most of them…up to number 20 I think so it’ll be fun to read 21 & 22 for the first time. True there’s occasionally a bit too much sex but if that’s the worst part of a book, then I’m good with it. I have fallen in love with the characters over the time I’ve read the series & the plots are always good & I end up getting surprised by how things go more often than not. And for me that’s a good thing. The supernatural part of the books are just the icing on the cake for me tho I do thoroughly enjoy that part too. Gives me a goal to aspire to in my writing tho I know I’ll never compare…at least I enjoy it as much. *chuckles*