What is different today than a year ago that you are grateful for?
The fact that even if I’ve only lost about 5 lbs in the last year, I can now actually walk short distances without wanting to die or pass out…no more than half a block or so but it’s more than I could do this time last year so I’m thrilled to tears to do it because at least now I can go out to eat with my kid & his girlfriend & not be too miserable to eat once I get into the restaurant. Oh & I can tie my shoes on the bus again yays!
And no don’t be worried I just want to get this out of my system since there doesn’t seem to be anyone I can talk to about any of this anymore…I swear I’m not going to do anything crazy *laughs* anymore than usual that is.
I am….I don’t want to say depressed but…I am so upset & hurt & feeling useless & not needed & miserable & like I don’t matter & pain & rage…so much fucking rage & fear….I feel more of those than I do anything right now. I don’t want it to end & I don’t want it to be over & I don’t want to be numb I just want to feel something other than miserable & alone & afraid & useless & unneeded & the anger that all of those are causing. I’m trying so hard to change things but no matter what I do it just seems to make it worse so right now….I can’t feel anything but pain & sadness & hurt & fear & confusion & anger. I have never felt so unneeded & invisible & alone as I do right now & it sucks big ass. And yes my logical head knows it’s just feelings but that doesn’t make me FEEL them any less at all. Right now it’s like the freezing yet burning hole inside of me is just….sitting there…waiting to see what I’m going to decide to do about it & right now…I just don’t know….all I can do is talk about it & get it out there & hope that doing that helps at least a little cause lord knows I don’t want to eat my misery away like usual…which is why I’m doing this post…hoping it keeps me from eating my way to numbness like I have so many times before. Anyway….I think my rant is done & hopefully it will do some good. Sorry to dump this here after being so quiet but…I’m done trying to figure it out in my own head so gonna make use of this LOL.
I hadn’t realized how long it had been since I was on here & I do want to say I am sorry. I’ve been working thru things in my head…concentrating super hard on sticking to the weight loss that everything else has kind of fallen to the wayside. But I am still here & hopefully will be doing more as it gets prettier out & I get in a better place to do more so hugs everyone & have a good rest of the week & a good weekend as well! And here’s some thoughts that’ve helped me a lot in the last few weeks so wanted to share them. *smiles*
Just sitting here listening to music…ranging from One Direction to AC/DC to Beethoven & now Tainted love *laughs*…& was thinking. I really truly do believe in love, & that makes everything so much more confusing because even tho I really do believe in it, every time I think I might have found out I get gut punched. I know everyone has those issues, but it’s still crap. There should be a clearer, easier way to tell, if only to save so much pain & heartbreak. I try telling myself that since I’ve gone thru so many tries that when I do find it it’ll be awesome & amazing even if I have to work my ass off to keep it, but lately…it has been so hard to hold on to at least a tiny bit of hope since I’ve lost most of it. I’m so tired of the liars & cheaters & even worse the ones who love you for what you can give them & how they make you feel instead of what & who you really are, or the ones who don’t necessarily lie but hold back on things…big things…they know would make all the difference in the relationship…for the good or the bad. I’m tired of fake people & shallow people & selfish people & people who act like their selfless but can’t think beyond themselves…I’m just so tired of so much of it. As I told a friend the other day, I’m as low as I can get because for me, self harm (except my emotional eating) has never even been an issue or question because that is never been something I’ve wanted to do or felt like I had to do to make myself better, but right now…I’m not much above that I’ll admit. Most of the time it’s like being in a dark, damp, misty forest where the mist is so think it’s like a blanket & all I want to do is hide there forever. But I’ve been concentrating on my weight & eating so hoping that will pull me out some since my normal standby just isn’t going to happen…every time I try to write all I can do is stare at the blank page & hate whatever’s giving me such terrible writer’s block.
Anyway, just needed to vent & rant again so huggies to all & thanks for your support even if it’s just as a like or comment or visiting & reading & hope you have an awesome weekend!
I was looking on my SparkPeople page this morning & found this & *laughs* had to share. Cause I know even if it’s camera tricks & people tricks, it made me giggle so of course I had to share!
Hugs to all & hope you’re having a great weekend…& a special thanks to those who commented on my rant a couple of weeks back…it meant the world to me!
I just had to get this out of my system & knew if I put it here, it’d do the most good.
My question is…what kind of fucking person has to pull over on the side of the road & cry because she has to eat home cooked food, instead of being able to get pizza & hot wings? I think I’ve hit rock bottom & I’m not sure how the hell to get past it because right now…all the trying & effort & monitoring what I eat & trying to exercise…it just makes me more & more depressed every single time I have to do it. I mean when a big portion of your brain would rather just not eat since it can’t have what it wants…even tho it knows how bad what it wants is…how the hell do you get past that or work with it? I’m tired of the frustration & disgust & irritation & some days just want to face dive into every bad thing I can think of & say fuck it all at least I’ll die happy…even tho I know I won’t because I’ll be physically miserable. But this way I’m mentally & emotionally worn down & miserable so I’m damned if I do & damned if I don’t. I’m either disgusted & hate everything, or physically miserable because I hurt & can’t breathe & can’t move.
Anyway…I think I’m done so thanks for listening anyone who bothers to read this & hugs to all of you for sticking with me thru everything.
Have been collecting these over the last few days & just felt like sharing. Is picture heavy so using the split for once *grins*
*sticks her head in* Hey everybody…sorry I’ve been away so long but maybe this post will help explain that at least a little bit. Real life has been a real pain lately…extremely demanding for various reasons. Most importantly…my own sanity. Some things happened earlier this year that…really threw my whole life for a loop. And when I get hurt like I did & have trouble trusting anyone as a result, it’s always been best for me to pull back from all but my family & closest friends while I figure out how to deal with how I’m feeling & get past it without hurting myself or anyone else or doing something really really stupid like I’m good at doing. I didn’t want to make a bad situation worse so I just kept to myself while I did my best to heal. Well in the middle of that, my computer died so I was without a computer for close to a month which made my hiding even easier to do. And then it was summer & we weren’t in school/working so I kind of just took the rest of the summer off to do nothing. And for the last month I’ve been working on getting back into the swing of things as well as keep working on my losing weight.
I know I’ve explained some of this in 1 of the last posts I made but I wanted to do it this way…make it feel like sort of an almost fresh beginning. Because here we are now. I’m at the moment just over 40 lbs under what I was at my highest…when I first realized I had so many physical problems that were much more than just side effects of being overweight. And I’m holding it…even if it’s just barely. And as for my head…I honestly am not sure even myself what’s going on in there…but maybe if I write a bit of it out, it might help me just a little bit so here I go. Also, as I said…this is a way to make a fresh start on this blog so what better way than to let everyone into my head a little bit.
I know that it’s not good to label people but…for me personally…it’s difficult to not be able to label myself. For me there is just something comforting about having a name to call myself…a way to categorize myself…& right now I’m most definitely missing that. I don’t know whether I’m a sub, a babygirl, a kitten, just shy & traditional, needy, high maintenance, too giving & trusting & open, an alpha bitch, or what exactly I am because I feel all of those things…some of the time. And even tho I feel like a young teenager/preteen in the deepest part of me…even she doesn’t feel like the way so many other people describe their littles because…she is me…everything else is just layered on top of her. The responsible adult me, the mom me, the horny slut me, the scared & clingy me, the alpha bitch me…they’re all part of me but also extensions of her because…I am that girl all the time tho she may get hidden or buried when rl makes it impossible for her to function & 1 of the others has to step up to the plate.
I also don’t know whether I’m ready for a relationship or not since I have so much difficulty meeting people to begin with. I won’t know until it’s too late & I’m in 1 & shouldn’t be but other than being lonely…right now I feel like I’m a decent headspace finally. Problem is…it’s coming at a price. Right now I’m damned no matter what I do so all I can do is just hope I do the best I can to not make a big mess of things. I feel safe, & secure, & calm…things I usually don’t feel but the source…I’m not sure it’s good for either of us to depend on each other like we do at this point. I know how I feel…that isn’t the point…the point is…such a good thing could get ruined so easily & that’s a very scary thing. Which is why I’m not sure if I should do something to stop that chance from happening & suffer there, or just blindly hope for the best…which never seems to happen for me. Coming out on the other side of what I did made me realize just how precious some things & people can be & the last thing I’d want to do is lose someone because I was impatient. So right now…I’m just hoping I get some kind of sign or something as to what to do.
Thanks everyone for listening & hope everyone is doing good in their own lives! Lots of hugs & kisses & hopefully will be posting more on here after my net get sorted out finally.
I am still here just…been a difficult few weeks for me in the real world. I’ve been dealing with the aftermath of a big change in my life, so have been alternating between thinking alot to try & figure out how to deal with it, fighting myself to not eat myself into a nice warm comfort zone, & avoiding thinking at all by watching WAY too many YouTube videos. *laughs*
I have felt very disgusted & disheartened lately, & it’s been very hard to deal with so I’ve withdrawn alot like I often do when I’m trying to work thru something. But I’ve come to the point where I’m not sure I can work thru this. I think this time…I’m not broken again but not sure I even want to get back out & open myself up to people again. I have been so disgusted with myself & how naive & trusting I can be that it’s made it super difficult to not eat myself into a comfort food coma. And I haven’t…at least not yet. Even feeling that way, I’ve managed to ride out a few ups & down of the scale & not freak out about it so I’m obviously doing something right there. Plus our oldest cat got super sick this week & had me pretty worried so that’s been another thing I’ve had to deal with as well as adjusting to being home with my kid all day everyday practically what with school being out & me not working.
I’m even doing some avoiding of some of my good friends cause I don’t wanna rain my grumpiness & moodiness all over them especially since they seem to be doing good right now. I also don’t want them to feel guilty for doing good when I feel like things are pretty pointless for me relationshipwise right now. I feel ok or good about everything else but right now…I’m not sure I’d recognize or even want him if the perfect man for me showed up right now. I’m pretty sure I’d tell him thanks but no thanks that I’m not interested & send him on his way even if he was perfect for me. Notice I’m saying for me…not perfect cause Lord knows I’d not want a perfect man.
I’ve also been thinking alot about whether I’m really submissive or just a shy, traditional type woman who is very much in touch with her inner child instead. Because times like these…I can’t stop the way I do or feel & no 1 should have to try to lead me thru this. I need comfort, not control when I’m like this & I can’t really concentrate on anyone but myself & my kid as I work my way thru my own head. It just wouldn’t feel right or fair to have a Daddy or Dominant right now because I just couldn’t be what they deserved when I’m like this. I need friends more than anything…friends who understand & don’t take personally when I’m quiet for a few days while I avoid then think about things. A relationship is the absolute last thing I need or want right now no matter how much I hate to be single.
Anyway, I guess count this as an update a day early & hugs to everyone who has stuck by me thru all of this. I’m gonna try doing at least random posts once or twice a week for a while till I feel like I can do more. So thanks again to all of you & hope the rest of your weekend is good.
I just had a few thoughts I wanted to put down on here so I could come back & look at them later.
Firstly, I just stood up from my desk chair to get something from the kitchen & had made it 3 steps before realizing I’d stretched & then walked straight on in there instead of stretching then having to sit back down for a few seconds like I normally did. I like that idea because it is a very obvious sign of improvement so yays!
Secondly, Mother’s Day morning in fact, I realized I’m only 8 years younger than my mom was when she died. I’d never stopped to think about it but…her being dead for 18 years last month…that was just kind of a big surprise. And another reason for me to keep working on my weight & getting better so I don’t end up in the same miserable boat she did.
Thirdly, it’s been a rough few days missing Duncan. I know it’s been almost 8 months since he was put to sleep but for some reason the last week or 2 has been worse than it’s been since before Christmas. I miss him & wish he could’ve made it to his 20th birthday back in March but he’ll always be my furbaby wherever he may be & I hope he remembers me half as good as I remember him.