I hadn’t realized how long it’s been since I’ve posted till just now. So thought I’d get on here & announce that *laughs* I am still around just been doing a bit more this summer than usual, & been on World of Warcraft a lot since Legion came out a few weeks ago. And honestly just haven’t had much to talk about as I’ve just been kind of existing over the last few months more than anything else. But summer was good overall & my weight hasn’t gone up so yays for that too. Hope that everyone is doing good too since I’ve only commented a few times on the blogs I follow but promise I still read them.
As well as spending some time with my kid actually doing a couple of things this summer, as I said have been on WoW a lot…SecondLife not so much…& have been sort of playing with Snapchat & Dubsmash tho since I have like no friends on Snapchat haven’t really done much at all with it since *laughs* you can only take pictures for your own amusement so many times. And right now am also trying to catch up on a few TV shows I got behind on before they start for the season or before I get too far behind on them for this season. So thanks to everyone & hugs all around & will talk to everyone soon…sooner than the last time for sure I hope!
*sticks her head in* Hey everybody…sorry I’ve been away so long but maybe this post will help explain that at least a little bit. Real life has been a real pain lately…extremely demanding for various reasons. Most importantly…my own sanity. Some things happened earlier this year that…really threw my whole life for a loop. And when I get hurt like I did & have trouble trusting anyone as a result, it’s always been best for me to pull back from all but my family & closest friends while I figure out how to deal with how I’m feeling & get past it without hurting myself or anyone else or doing something really really stupid like I’m good at doing. I didn’t want to make a bad situation worse so I just kept to myself while I did my best to heal. Well in the middle of that, my computer died so I was without a computer for close to a month which made my hiding even easier to do. And then it was summer & we weren’t in school/working so I kind of just took the rest of the summer off to do nothing. And for the last month I’ve been working on getting back into the swing of things as well as keep working on my losing weight.
I know I’ve explained some of this in 1 of the last posts I made but I wanted to do it this way…make it feel like sort of an almost fresh beginning. Because here we are now. I’m at the moment just over 40 lbs under what I was at my highest…when I first realized I had so many physical problems that were much more than just side effects of being overweight. And I’m holding it…even if it’s just barely. And as for my head…I honestly am not sure even myself what’s going on in there…but maybe if I write a bit of it out, it might help me just a little bit so here I go. Also, as I said…this is a way to make a fresh start on this blog so what better way than to let everyone into my head a little bit.
I know that it’s not good to label people but…for me personally…it’s difficult to not be able to label myself. For me there is just something comforting about having a name to call myself…a way to categorize myself…& right now I’m most definitely missing that. I don’t know whether I’m a sub, a babygirl, a kitten, just shy & traditional, needy, high maintenance, too giving & trusting & open, an alpha bitch, or what exactly I am because I feel all of those things…some of the time. And even tho I feel like a young teenager/preteen in the deepest part of me…even she doesn’t feel like the way so many other people describe their littles because…she is me…everything else is just layered on top of her. The responsible adult me, the mom me, the horny slut me, the scared & clingy me, the alpha bitch me…they’re all part of me but also extensions of her because…I am that girl all the time tho she may get hidden or buried when rl makes it impossible for her to function & 1 of the others has to step up to the plate.
I also don’t know whether I’m ready for a relationship or not since I have so much difficulty meeting people to begin with. I won’t know until it’s too late & I’m in 1 & shouldn’t be but other than being lonely…right now I feel like I’m a decent headspace finally. Problem is…it’s coming at a price. Right now I’m damned no matter what I do so all I can do is just hope I do the best I can to not make a big mess of things. I feel safe, & secure, & calm…things I usually don’t feel but the source…I’m not sure it’s good for either of us to depend on each other like we do at this point. I know how I feel…that isn’t the point…the point is…such a good thing could get ruined so easily & that’s a very scary thing. Which is why I’m not sure if I should do something to stop that chance from happening & suffer there, or just blindly hope for the best…which never seems to happen for me. Coming out on the other side of what I did made me realize just how precious some things & people can be & the last thing I’d want to do is lose someone because I was impatient. So right now…I’m just hoping I get some kind of sign or something as to what to do.
Thanks everyone for listening & hope everyone is doing good in their own lives! Lots of hugs & kisses & hopefully will be posting more on here after my net get sorted out finally.
I am still here just…been a difficult few weeks for me in the real world. I’ve been dealing with the aftermath of a big change in my life, so have been alternating between thinking alot to try & figure out how to deal with it, fighting myself to not eat myself into a nice warm comfort zone, & avoiding thinking at all by watching WAY too many YouTube videos. *laughs*
I have felt very disgusted & disheartened lately, & it’s been very hard to deal with so I’ve withdrawn alot like I often do when I’m trying to work thru something. But I’ve come to the point where I’m not sure I can work thru this. I think this time…I’m not broken again but not sure I even want to get back out & open myself up to people again. I have been so disgusted with myself & how naive & trusting I can be that it’s made it super difficult to not eat myself into a comfort food coma. And I haven’t…at least not yet. Even feeling that way, I’ve managed to ride out a few ups & down of the scale & not freak out about it so I’m obviously doing something right there. Plus our oldest cat got super sick this week & had me pretty worried so that’s been another thing I’ve had to deal with as well as adjusting to being home with my kid all day everyday practically what with school being out & me not working.
I’m even doing some avoiding of some of my good friends cause I don’t wanna rain my grumpiness & moodiness all over them especially since they seem to be doing good right now. I also don’t want them to feel guilty for doing good when I feel like things are pretty pointless for me relationshipwise right now. I feel ok or good about everything else but right now…I’m not sure I’d recognize or even want him if the perfect man for me showed up right now. I’m pretty sure I’d tell him thanks but no thanks that I’m not interested & send him on his way even if he was perfect for me. Notice I’m saying for me…not perfect cause Lord knows I’d not want a perfect man.
I’ve also been thinking alot about whether I’m really submissive or just a shy, traditional type woman who is very much in touch with her inner child instead. Because times like these…I can’t stop the way I do or feel & no 1 should have to try to lead me thru this. I need comfort, not control when I’m like this & I can’t really concentrate on anyone but myself & my kid as I work my way thru my own head. It just wouldn’t feel right or fair to have a Daddy or Dominant right now because I just couldn’t be what they deserved when I’m like this. I need friends more than anything…friends who understand & don’t take personally when I’m quiet for a few days while I avoid then think about things. A relationship is the absolute last thing I need or want right now no matter how much I hate to be single.
Anyway, I guess count this as an update a day early & hugs to everyone who has stuck by me thru all of this. I’m gonna try doing at least random posts once or twice a week for a while till I feel like I can do more. So thanks again to all of you & hope the rest of your weekend is good.
It was Mother’s Day yesterday so didn’t have a chance to post my update & couldn’t post my picture of the week till I took it yesterday so just going to do both of them at once. *grins*
I have officially quit Weight Watchers. I’m going between using my Fitbit & my SparkPeople page & seem to be having better luck that way. I gained a few pounds but I have also lost a pants size & am in a size 34 for the first time in almost 4 years…as well as my size 4x shirts being loser on me than they were. So I’m not worried about the weight gain because I know it’s muscle…not the bad stuff.
In celebration of this huge victory, a friend of mine from work dyed my hair purple on Saturday. It’s a very dull color inside, but in bright or outdoor light, it’s definitely purple with almost magenta highlights where my gray hair was. And posting a picture of that…is my picture of the week because I think it looks awesome. Only other thing to happen other than that was me & my best friend going to see Avengers: Age of Ultron yesterday which we did in 3D & was definitely worth the extra cost. We also went out to eat so we enjoyed ourselves quite well for Mother’s Day. So happy last Mother’s Day to everyone who celebrates it & hugs to all & hope everyone has an awesome week this week!
I’m realizing now why I’ve always so enjoyed having my friends come over to my house even if it’s only once every week or so for a couple of hours. It’s not a good thing at all for me to be alone as much as I have been the last few months. Between me current state of mind from too much alone time, & school not being out soon enough, I’m in a place I’ve not been in in years. I’d be ok if it was just work, or just the alone time but since it’s both…it sucks. I don’t like who I am or how I feel or what I do right now but I can’t seem to stop or keep from it unless I just go to sleep & sleeping my life away isn’t going to do me any good either. But I’m at a total loss as to what to do to make any of it better. And me trying to lose weight on top of feeling like this…that just makes it worse cause I can’t eat to distract myself any longer so I’m miserable which makes me more miserable & want to eat more which makes me bitchier which makes me more miserable so it just goes round & round & round. I just feel so unneeded right now. Not unwanted…unneeded. Not even useless but…as a babygirl/sub/whatever you want to call me as well as just me being who I am, I need to feel like I’m needed & helping others & I’ve not felt like that in weeks. And that right there is the main thing that’s slowly wearing me down. I’m starting to wonder if I’m going to make it till we’re out of school before I hit the breaking point because it’s not going to be pretty if I still am in because I will become a hell bitch on wheels. That’s my self defense when I hurt & feel like I have a gaping sore inside me somewhere & you can’t do that & not alienate people or even worse screw up your job because you hurt. So right now, I’m just hoping & praying I last 3 more weeks till it’s done & then…I’ll see what I can do to fix myself over the summer. It can be done I just have to figure out how.
Anyway…I’ve had my emotional spill for the year *laughs* oh & 1 other thing…when I posted the other day, I got a post from WordPress telling me it was my 5 year anniversary so yays me! Thanks to everyone whose been along for the ride on this & the first blog I had…means so much! Hope you all have a great rest of the day & a good week!
I’ve lost some weight this week but since at least part of it was water weight…I’m taking it with a grain of salt & being happy but not doing cartwheels about it.
Otherwise, most of this week has been the same old same old just waiting till school’s out so I can finally not be so fricking worn out all the time. Did go to the movies with my kid today to see Furious 7 & even tho he grumbled about going as only a teenager can, he said it was good & wanted to see the next 1 when it came out too. So yays me I did some good there.
Also, something that’s been kicking around a bit in my head for a while….just feels like the time to write it. The ones who have been following me since the beginning know that my posting & even the length of my posts can vary greatly. And lately, I’ve been struggling to do more than just a few sentences & I almost feel like I’m cheating everyone who follows because I can’t write more. My logical mind knows that’s a load of horseshit but that little girl who loves nothing more than to please others does have a bit of a fit about it from time to time. Tho even my deepest thoughts are still pretty straight forward. I will admit it’s odd sometimes because I follow so many blogs that…the writers are amazing & offer such a great insight that it can often move you to tears. I’m just not that kind of writer & once in a while it makes me doubt myself just a little. Since there will never be any deep thoughts or florid prose here. *chuckles* But I enjoy doing it too much to stop so I just do my best to give myself a pep talk & go on with things as best I can. I’m not really looking for anything here just…was a rare glimpse into my head that’s actually more deep than most things I post are *laughs* & deeper than most things I think honestly. So thank you all for listening & I hope your week ahead is the best that it can be!
I lost just a little bit this week but have also been doing alot of thinking. I’m considering quitting Weight Watchers…at least for the summer, & just sticking solely with the stuff that goes with my Fitbit. It’s harder to fib a little on it so maybe it’ll be the better choice. And if anyone does use fitbit & would like to be friends, you can IM me on my flickr account & we can go from there. *smiles*
Have been on WoW more than Secondlife this week tho it’s still been a week of watching movies/TV & reading more than anything. But my belf DK did make it thru 2 levels today so I’m a happy camper then since I wasn’t sure she was ever going to get anywhere.
Other than that, that’s about all that’s really gone on. So hope the rest of your weekend is good & hope the week to come is too!
PS – & don’t forget me a random number 1-121 or 2 for my random topic on Wednesday! *grins*
Gained a bit of weight but I know why so no worries. Other than that, been just another week. Gave myself a slight makeover on SecondLife but haven’t done much else on there. And just waiting for school to be out in real life. Tired alot of the time so just been coasting along, watching movies & reading the last few weeks actually. Hope things are doing good for everyone & promise to write more once *laughs* there’s more to write about! Have a great weekend & upcoming week!
Gained another 0.4 lbs which honestly was awesome given everything this week. Haven’t really done much this week on SL or WoW just mainly been either reading, watching TV or movies, watching wayyyyy too much YouTube lol, or been in my own head making sure I keep my head where it should be to keep losing weight.
Had a good Easter dinner…had to make my own brown sugar glaze for the first time & was pleasantly surprised at how well it turned out. Also did some colored deviled eggs which was pretty cool & turned out alot better than I expected it to. Hope that everyone else is enjoying their weekend & their holiday if it is 1 for them today & thank you as always for being here! Am hoping this week will be a little bit better so hugs to you all!
Oh & don’t forget…my random number for Wednesday’s post…1-121 I think it was.
This’ll be short since real life has me good the last few days. I gained 0.2 lbs, but that’s all so go me. And nothing super interesting happened in SL or WoW I’ve just been concentrating on trying to make things work with my lifestyle changes so might be quiet for a week or 2 but will be back better than ever I promise!
Hope everyone’s enjoying their weekend & hugs to all of you!