2 posts in 2 days!

I know…it’s scary isn’t it? *laughs*  But I just read a post on someone else’s blog that made me think about a lot of the things I’ve had running thru my head, & decided that this wasn’t something I needed to put on the password only blog but deserved to be shared here since so many of you have been going thru this with me…some almost since the very beginning.

I have finally…I think…decided what’s best for me.  Which has led to a few decisions on rules or guidelines or whatever you want to call it I need to follow for the next little while in my life.  Firstly…I need to come first…or at least me & my family does.  That means parts of me are going to be annoyed because they’re going to be cut off & other parts of me are going to have to learn how to deal with things whether they want to or not.  There will be no more pushing emotionally charged or upsetting things off to the side or letting the slut side help hide those hurtful or scary or big feelings anymore.  Sexual & physical intimacy & my extreme submissive almost slave side…are not there to keep myself from feeling the scary big feelings…they should help deal with those feelings.  And that can’t happen with just anyone who talks a smooth line to get in my pants.  I need to keep that side of me locked up until I’m with someone…someone who loves me & understands me & can be there for me & is more interested in my emotional & mental well being than getting into my pants or controlling me.  Because that slut side as I call her…she’s scarey enough herself since it’s just as much my slave/primal/animalistic/instinctual part as my slut.  She’s the 1 who does & reacts…& does not think.  So I need to be with someone I can trust with my heart & soul & mind…all of me…& that can’t come without a relationship &/or commitment & a lot of time.

That side of me is the scariest part of me…much scarier than my little side.  She is where my need comes from & I’ll admit…there is a lot of need in her.  To be needed & protected & to trust in someone so completely that she can do anything she thinks or feels without fear of losing them or scaring them away or being too clingy.  I thought for the longest time that the need to be someone’s…to be adored & worshipped & needed & protected & guided was the little part…but I’m starting to think it’s not.  She is love & innocence & trust & precious…so many of the things I thought were here are much more naked & basic feelings & needs.  I have though so long they were at opposite ends…my slut & my princess…but now I think they’re more 2 sides of the same part than I ever could’ve imagined.  Instead of the slut protecting the princess…I’m starting to think it’s been the other way around.  Which means I have to protect the slut from herself because when she manages to take control & do what she thinks she needs to do to be wanted…all of us suffer for it…with guilt & pain & misery & disgust at letting people who only want our body use us when all we want is to be someone’s one & only…to make their life a better, brighter place for us being with them…being theirs.

I hate talking about things like this.  I have a huge headache now, my stomach is upset & sour, & I’m fighting not to cry because it hurts & is so damned scary to expose myself this way to anyone.  But after reading that blog post…I realized I needed to do this…to make it easier on myself & so next time I’m tempted to let someone control me or use me in a way that’s not good for me…I can come back here & remember how it feels & hopefully keep myself from doing it just because I’m alone & desperate & in pain.

Thanks again everyone for listening & *laughs a bit* feel free to comment or even email if you feel the need since I have my email in my about now.  Hugs to all & enjoy the rest of your weekend & your week ahead!

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Uh oh more thoughts

The other day me & a friend of mine were talking about me & my personality & me being submissive, & how I seem to be all right being on my own. I know that’s a common thing with most submissives…especially those who are comfortable in their own skins.  Anyway…after we logged off of Skype, I got to thinking about what we’d been talking about right beforehand & I wanted to put my thoughts out there & see what other people think.

I have to wonder if maybe what I & many other people have thought was me being submissive was just another side of something much more primal & core to me.  When I’m in a relationship with someone, over my entire life, I have been very changeable.  If I really cared about someone or was very involved in the relationship, I would either consciously or subconsciously…sometimes both…change things about myself to either please them or suit the relationship.  And before, it was like giving up my own identity because I did it so completely since I didn’t really know who I was.

I have realized tho, in the 2 relationships I’ve had since I broke & had to put myself back together again, that I did do that with them as well but…didn’t lose myself in the process.  And because I do focus so much on pleasing the other person…to make them happy which makes me happy…it feels so much like being submissive.  But I’ve also realized in the last couple of years that my core personality has never quite finished growing up.  She’s the 1 that so very few people even know exist let alone meet or spend time with because the rest of us keep her so guarded.  She is our hopes & dreams & optimism & where our real heartfelt love for someone comes from.  She is the best of us which is why we have to keep her safe & protected.  She’s been broken once…that can’t happen again…we refuse to allow it.

Anyway…to get back to my point again *laughs* I can feel myself doing it again.  As I open myself up, I have felt things changing inside me…tho to be honest this time there’s been much less change, & the changes that are happening are probably for the best of all of us.  I am again having to deal with my feminine side…which anyone who knows me well knows is hidden or buried most of the time.  Tho now, I’m slowing learning or am able to use what I have learned over the last few years & am able to deal with it & even express myself articulately about how I feel.  And it’s as my feminine side opens up that the self questioning about me being submissive comes about.

I don’t know if it’s something that just is…which means I most likely am submissive…or if it’s something learned or that happens later in life in which case I’m not sure I am really submissive like I first thought.  Because it’s such a part of me…it’s how I’ve always been…so it’s hard to figure out which way it goes.  I just know that when I care about someone…anyone who is important to me…I give & change to make their lives better & that is what makes me happy.  I’m not being forced to or feel like I have to do it to keep them in my life…it’s just what I do because their happiness is my happiness.  Tho I’m starting to think when there’s real feelings there…there’s much less change needed because the feelings wouldn’t be there if I wasn’t close to whatever they needed & wanted to begin with.

Anyway…this is just something I’ve been thinking about lately so thanks everyone for being here & listening & hopefully will be posting more sooner rather than laters!  hugs to all of you.

 

Well hey there!

*sticks her head in* Hey everybody…sorry I’ve been away so long but maybe this post will help explain that at least a little bit.  Real life has been a real pain lately…extremely demanding for various reasons.  Most importantly…my own sanity.  Some things happened earlier this year that…really threw my whole life for a loop.  And when I get hurt like I did & have trouble trusting anyone as a result, it’s always been best for me to pull back from all but my family & closest friends while I figure out how to deal with how I’m feeling & get past it without hurting myself or anyone else or doing something really really stupid like I’m good at doing.  I didn’t want to make a bad situation worse so I just kept to myself while I did my best to heal.  Well in the middle of that, my computer died so I was without a computer for close to a month which made my hiding even easier to do.  And then it was summer & we weren’t in school/working so I kind of just took the rest of the summer off to do nothing.  And for the last month I’ve been working on getting back into the swing of things as well as keep working on my losing weight.

I know I’ve explained some of this in 1 of the last posts I made but I wanted to do it this way…make it feel like sort of an almost fresh beginning.  Because here we are now.  I’m at the moment just over 40 lbs under what I was at my highest…when I first realized I had so many physical problems that were much more than just side effects of being overweight.  And I’m holding it…even if it’s just barely.  And as for my head…I honestly am not sure even myself what’s going on in there…but maybe if I write a bit of it out, it might help me just a little bit so here I go.  Also, as I said…this is a way to make a fresh start on this blog so what better way than to let everyone into my head a little bit.

I know that it’s not good to label people but…for me personally…it’s difficult to not be able to label myself.  For me there is just something comforting about having a name to call myself…a way to categorize myself…& right now I’m most definitely missing that.  I don’t know whether I’m a sub, a babygirl, a kitten, just shy & traditional, needy, high maintenance, too giving & trusting & open, an alpha bitch, or what exactly I am because I feel all of those things…some of the time.  And even tho I feel like a young teenager/preteen in the deepest part of me…even she doesn’t feel like the way so many other people describe their littles because…she is me…everything else is just layered on top of her.  The responsible adult me, the mom me, the horny slut me, the scared & clingy me, the alpha bitch me…they’re all part of me but also extensions of her because…I am that girl all the time tho she may get hidden or buried when rl makes it impossible for her to function & 1 of the others has to step up to the plate.

I also don’t know whether I’m ready for a relationship or not since I have so much difficulty meeting people to begin with.  I won’t know until it’s too late & I’m in 1 & shouldn’t be but other than being lonely…right now I feel like I’m a decent headspace finally.  Problem is…it’s coming at a price.  Right now I’m damned no matter what I do so all I can do is just hope I do the best I can to not make a big mess of things.  I feel safe, & secure, & calm…things I usually don’t feel but the source…I’m not sure it’s good for either of us to depend on each other like we do at this point.  I know how I feel…that isn’t the point…the point is…such a good thing could get ruined so easily & that’s a very scary thing.  Which is why I’m not sure if I should do something to stop that chance from happening & suffer there, or just blindly hope for the best…which never seems to happen for me.  Coming out on the other side of what I did made me realize just how precious some things & people can be & the last thing I’d want to do is lose someone because I was impatient.  So right now…I’m just hoping I get some kind of sign or something as to what to do.

Thanks everyone for listening & hope everyone is doing good in their own lives!  Lots of hugs & kisses & hopefully will be posting more on here after my net get sorted out finally.

 

Howdy folks

I am still here just…been a difficult few weeks for me in the real world.  I’ve been dealing with the aftermath of a big change in my life, so have been alternating between thinking alot to try & figure out how to deal with it, fighting myself to not eat myself into a nice warm comfort zone, & avoiding thinking at all by watching WAY too many YouTube videos. *laughs*

I have felt very disgusted & disheartened lately, & it’s been very hard to deal with so I’ve withdrawn alot like I often do when I’m trying to work thru something.  But I’ve come to the point where I’m not sure I can work thru this.  I think this time…I’m not broken again but not sure I even want to get back out & open myself up to people again.  I have been so disgusted with myself & how naive & trusting I can be that it’s made it super difficult to not eat myself into a comfort food coma.  And I haven’t…at least not yet.  Even feeling that way, I’ve managed to ride out a few ups & down of the scale & not freak out about it so I’m obviously doing something right there.  Plus our oldest cat got super sick this week & had me pretty worried so that’s been another thing I’ve had to deal with as well as adjusting to being home with my kid all day everyday practically what with school being out & me not working.

I’m even doing some avoiding of some of my good friends cause I don’t wanna rain my grumpiness & moodiness all over them especially since they seem to be doing good right now.  I also don’t want them to feel guilty for doing good when I feel like things are pretty pointless for me relationshipwise right now.  I feel ok or good about everything else but right now…I’m not sure I’d recognize or even want him if the perfect man for me showed up right now.  I’m pretty sure I’d tell him thanks but no thanks that I’m not interested & send him on his way even if he was perfect for me.  Notice I’m saying for me…not perfect cause Lord knows I’d not want a perfect man.

I’ve also been thinking alot about whether I’m really submissive or just a shy, traditional type woman who is very much in touch with her inner child instead.  Because times like these…I can’t stop the way I do or feel & no 1 should have to try to lead me thru this.  I need comfort, not control when I’m like this & I can’t really concentrate on anyone but myself & my kid as I work my way thru my own head.  It just wouldn’t feel right or fair to have a Daddy or Dominant right now because I just couldn’t be what they deserved when I’m like this.  I need friends more than anything…friends who understand & don’t take personally when I’m quiet for a few days while I avoid then think about things.  A relationship is the absolute last thing I need or want right now no matter how much I hate to be single.

Anyway, I guess count this as an update a day early & hugs to everyone who has stuck by me thru all of this.  I’m gonna try doing at least random posts once or twice a week for a while till I feel like I can do more.  So thanks again to all of you & hope the rest of your weekend is good.

Not your average update of the week

I’m realizing now why I’ve always so enjoyed having my friends come over to my house even if it’s only once every week or so for a couple of hours.  It’s not a good thing at all for me to be alone as much as I have been the last few months.  Between me current state of mind from too much alone time, & school not being out soon enough, I’m in a place I’ve not been in in years.  I’d be ok if it was just work, or just the alone time but since it’s both…it sucks.  I don’t like who I am or how I feel or what I do right now but I can’t seem to stop or keep from it unless I just go to sleep & sleeping my life away isn’t going to do me any good either.  But I’m at a total loss as to what to do to make any of it better.  And me trying to lose weight on top of feeling like this…that just makes it worse cause I can’t eat to distract myself any longer so I’m miserable which makes me more miserable & want to eat more which makes me bitchier which makes me more miserable so it just goes round & round & round.    I just feel so unneeded right now.  Not unwanted…unneeded.  Not even useless but…as a babygirl/sub/whatever you want to call me as well as just me being who I am, I need to feel like I’m needed & helping others & I’ve not felt like that in weeks.  And that right there is the main thing that’s slowly wearing me down.  I’m starting to wonder if I’m going to make it till we’re out of school before I hit the breaking point because it’s not going to be pretty if I still am in because I will become a hell bitch on wheels.  That’s my self defense when I hurt & feel like I have a gaping sore inside me somewhere & you can’t do that & not alienate people or even worse screw up your job because you hurt.  So right now, I’m just hoping & praying I last 3 more weeks till it’s done & then…I’ll see what I can do to fix myself over the summer.  It can be done I just have to figure out how.

Anyway…I’ve had my emotional spill for the year *laughs* oh & 1 other thing…when I posted the other day, I got a post from WordPress telling me it was my 5 year anniversary so yays me! Thanks to everyone whose been along for the ride on this & the first blog I had…means so much!  Hope you all have a great rest of the day & a good week!

More thoughts *laughs*

I bet everyone’s about tired of these but for once this isn’t bad…I don’t think.  Was perving profiles in SL a few minutes ago & was reading the profile of a Gorean slave & some things she wrote in there made me think & I just kind of wanted to write them down here so I could have them to go back & look at them when I need to.  She said “When i cannot serve i feel empty and lost” & that’s a good way of putting it.  When I’m not being encouraged or guided…I do feel lost.  I need that as much as anything else that I really need in my life.  Knowing I’ve made someone else proud of me & happy with who I’ve become…that’s what I feel like I’m here for…to do what they’ve known I could do all along…be what they’ve always known I could be.  Being told that…makes me feel more complete than anything else I’ve ever had someone say to me.  I know it can be difficult at times…but it does mean the world to those of us who need those rules & structure & encouragement because of those littles inside us.  So thanks for listening everyone & huggies!

Here’s ya some thoughts *laughs*

Well..this isn’t going to be quite the post I was originally planning on it being, but all the same it’ll have some to do with it. I have entered in a contest in SL, & it has ended up dragging up all sorts of conflicting needs & feelings.  I originally did it just kind of spur of the moment because never in a million years would I have imagined it would go anywhere.  Now, I’m facing being in the finals & I’m not sure I want it or not.

But that’s not all.  I’m also surrounded by wedding planning & it’s making me a little crazy.  I’m the eternal bridesmaid…never a bride.  Everyone I’m good friends with in SL has been partnered at least once &/or married…if not multiple times.  I’m complaining but not complaining at the same time here.  I would love to have a wedding or even just be partnered but…I’ve got this man who…everything about me & him scares me…most of all losing him for good.  He won me over over 2 years ago by not only seducing me & bringing out the submissive in me for the first time…since before that I’d had no clue she even existed inside me…but for some reason he brought her out within minutes of meeting him.  Then the next time I met him, he showed that unlike so many men, he actually paid attention to all of me by scratching my ears & playing with my tail…since I’m usually neko in SL.  We ended up talking almost every day for the next few weeks & 3 weeks after we’d met, he decided to collar me officially.  And that lasted for almost 8 months before things fell apart.  I didn’t know it at the time but that’s when my little started to show & since neither of us had really had alot of experience with that particular thing, we didn’t really know what to do, so I left so we could stay friends since I was the 1 having most of the issues

We kept talking at least twice a month, sometimes as often as every day for a week at a time over the next almost year & a half.  We’d had numerous fall backs over that time but nothing was ever said about possibly trying again.  Then the other day, in the midst of the contest, 1 of my adopted SL sisters decided it was time to find me & my best friend a man…even if it was at gunpoint. *laughs* I happened to be talking to him at the time, & told him cause well…I found it hilarious.  He said that if she’s taking applications for the husband in my shotgun wedding he’d just have to put 1 in.  I smart assedly told him I double dog dared him & he did.  Which led to him coming down to the club we’re always at & dancing with me for over an hour which has only happened like 1 other time before in the entire time we’ve known each other.  Even more surprising, he asked me if I’d like to be his again…I figured I left him so it’d never happen even if I had entertained the thought a time or 2 & just never said anything to him about it.  I wasn’t sure how he felt about who I’ve become, whether he still cared about me like he had, whether he wanted someone as labor intensive as I’d be…so I’d never done more than idly consider it.  So after we talked a bit more about it, I submitted to him again.  He has been there for me over & over…more times than I can count…I’d have to be crazy to tell him no considering I know he’ll follow thru on every single thing he promised me he’d do.

And that is what’s led to things now.  The fear is coming back in full force due to both of these things happening, & my having issues losing weight which stems from the fear as well.  Fear that I’ll be a disappointment or too needy or I care too much & am going to ruin things for good with us.  Worry that I will get in the finals of the contest & that my other adopted sister won’t win it when she’d be a much better choice but also wanting to win if only to say hahahahah to everyone who thinks I’m everything I shouldn’t be because so many people think I’m not good enough when I damn well am.  Stuck between being happy to be collared again to being a bit…something…more wistful than upset I think…that I’ll never be partnered or married because I have to choose between those happening & being with a man I know has to care about me or he wouldn’t have asked me to be his again.  The fear that comes from not knowing how people feel because I’m scared to death to ask them because I don’t want to be told it’s more me than them & having to deal with that kind of hurt.

My adopted sisters….things are so romantic with them &…don’t get me wrong I’m not at all a big romantic or big on romance cause normally I hate the gushy stuff…but I am a woman with a heart & a human being & even I would like once in a while to be told someone loves me.  To get a present just because or a short note saying how someone feels…to have a ring or a bracelet or even a hair bow *laughs* that’s another way to show I mean something to them.  My best friend is amazing for that & I hope to never lose her again because of either of us being stupid, but even she’s not enough & she shouldn’t be.  It’s not her responsibility to pick me up when I’m down.  And yes…i have learned how to do that & I do love myself for the first time in like ever but no 1 wants to have to do it all on their own.  But it makes me feel so needy & guilty to want these things even tho I know I deserve them just like everyone else does that…it becomes a battle to say something about it for fear of disappointing someone or seeming too needy or ungrateful.  It’s so hard to think of myself first because I’ve spent so much of my life feeling like I need to please others that even now it does cause those types of inner battles.  The difference is that now…I know what it is & how to fight it which is what led to this post.  So thank you everyone for listening & huggies to all!

Need a little help here

I…as everyone knows…have been trying to lose weight.  And I do good at it…as long as I exercise.  Thing is…I have no motivation at all & can’t think of any rewards that would actually make me do it.  So a couple of my more dominant & submissive friends both suggested punishment.  Something I hate but that I would do even tho I hate it.  Problem is…I can’t come up with a single stinking thing.  I draw even more of a blank on that than on rewards.  You’d think being a little it would make it easier but I’m just so inexperienced at stuff like this I haven’t a clue.  So if anyone has any suggestions or ideas I’d be more than happy to hear them. *smiles*  Thank you whether you have any or not…you’re still all appreciated.