A rant about sex & relationships

Imagine this…me only posting to rant *laughs*.  It’s been a very rough year so I’ve not posted much because even I get tired of reading the same old shit so since so little has changed, I’ve just been quiet.  But now…I can’t keep quiet & hopefully this will help me just to write all of this down.

Years ago, when I got back onto SL I met this man that I ended up thinking was amazing.  We were off & on a time or 2 but he was always 1 of my closest friends & meant a lot to me.  That is until I found out he was lying to me the whole time, since I at 1 time did ask if he was married & he said no.  So when I found out…I knew if I didn’t completely wipe him out of my life I’d go crawling back at a low point so I did just that.  No explanations, nothing, just wiped his existence completely out of my life so I wouldn’t be an idiot.

I’ll admit, I was scarce on SL for a few months but then some friends convinced me to get back on there a little, if only to hang out with them.  Tho wouldn’t you know, the shit was about to hit the fan in the most spectacular fashion in years…only rivaled my divorce & my ex from Germany.  1 of these friends, admitted that he felt more for me than just friends.  Not love…he wasn’t that stupid since he was with someone at the time…but more than best buddies too.  Well I decided to see where it went…without ever really going over the line of just friends because I did not want to be the other woman again & he knew it…had been told time & time again.  Just see if there were feelings there & we’d see how things fell without getting in to deep.  But of course, it wasn’t that easy because by late Nov of last year, some things were said on voice that shouldn’t have been said…even tho I had said before time & time again & had warned him that sometimes I had moron moments & to not let me do something stupid…well he let me do stupid things & then acted like he had no idea what he’d done wrong.  I trusted him to keep me safe, & he didn’t even see that what had happened was so far past keeping me safe it wasn’t funny.  So…again…I got to block 1 of the most important people in my life from my entire life.  Again because of a betrayal of trust even if it wasn’t about cheating but just not keeping me away from the line he knew I’d stupidly cross & needed help staying away from.

Well after that fuck up, I stayed off of SL for about 7 or 8 months except for dealing with my breedables.  But I started getting back on cause I thought I was ok enough & had my head on well enough to start dealing with people again.  And I did so good for a while.  But to make a long story short, I’m now in another mess because I’m an idiot.  I don’t know how in the hell I got a big “I’m a slut please fuck me cause that’s all I’m good for” sign on my forehead but I sure seem to have 1.  Because every single man I meet, no matter how it starts off, very quickly moves it to sex even when I say I’m not interested.  All I want is to be valued & cared about & in a relationship with someone who likes me for me…not just what I can do with all my holes.  Why the fuck is that so hard to understand & find?!  It doesn’t matter where I meet them…it always happens.  And more than I’d like to admit more happens & then I feel like such an idiot afterwards or like leftovers…both of which suck big ass.  Why can’t someone want me because they care…not just because they wanna fuck me or think I’m a great fuck?  *shakes her head* I just don’t understand it sometimes.  So here I am now…balanced on that damned precipice & you know what…I’m damned tired of losing.  I don’t want to lose any friends or would be friends, but I don’t wanna cheat myself either.  I just want someone who feels for me like I feel for them.

Anyway…I think my rant here is done *laughs* so thanks for listening & maybe it’ll be a better reason I post next time!  Hugs to all!

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And here’s this week’s update

Gained a bit of weight but I know why so no worries.  Other than that, been just another week.  Gave myself a slight makeover on SecondLife but haven’t done much else on there.  And just waiting for school to be out in real life.  Tired alot of the time so just been coasting along, watching movies & reading the last few weeks actually.  Hope things are doing good for everyone & promise to write more once *laughs* there’s more to write about!  Have a great weekend & upcoming week!

Weekly update time

I gained 0.2 lbs this week but am good with that considering I earned it. *laughs* Tho found out when I went to the doctor this week that not only have I lost 5 lbs since last time but my labs have been good for long enough so I don’t have to get my blood drawn every 3 months while he looks for diseases that aren’t there.  Also went to the grocery store with a friend for the first time in months.  It was only to get some cantaloupe, strawberries, carrots & a premade salad but that was a big deal on my part even if it only lasted 10 minutes. *chuckles*

In SL…right now things are in flux.  In it & in real life I’m reevaluating my choices & goals & the people in my life so we’ll see how things go once I’m done with that.  It’s a good thing tho…am happy about it in both worlds as it’s been a long time coming.

Hope that you all have a good weekend & a good upcoming week as well!

Update for the week

And here’s this week’s update.  First off i lost 2 lbs…not sure where they went but sure don’t plan on trying to find them *laughs*.  And except for my knee aching alot, have actually felt a little better physically all around then I have in a while.  And my appetite seems to have shrunk so we’ll see how that goes too.

Then on SL, it’s the end of a huge period of change in my life.  As you saw from the picture yesterday, I’ve been 1 of the finalists in a pageant that’s been going on since December for me.  And yesterday was the pageant where I ended up as first runner up, & 1 of my best friends on SL was actually the winner.  I’ve learned alot about people & myself doing it & am so glad of the opportunity & thrilled to tears with how it ended.  I couldn’t have asked for me & thank you to all of you who have helped me thru this…I won’t forget it anytime soon.

Also things seem to be going better relationship-wise for me as well since i’m actually quite content…for the most part.  My little does occasionally have her I want attention fits but he’s trying his best to keep up with her & learning some of the signs that I’m not always even aware of that I need that little bit more of attention so I couldn’t ask for anything more right now.  Ok I could do with a few more rules always but *laughs & grins* just couldn’t help myself there.

Anyways…everyone have a good rest of the weekend & a good week & thank you for being here!  oh & don’t forget…random number for the Wednesday random blog topic!

 

3 Things Thursday

Friends at work -this week I wouldn’t have been able to make it thru without them

Got a replacement for my first baby I had on SL & love her to death

Had a friend of mine take some awesome pictures of me this week on SL which I’ll be sharing a few of those on Saturday!

Hope everyone has a blessed week & enjoy your weekend when it gets here!

 

Weekly update

Well here it is another week gone by.  Lost some weight this week so we’ll see how that goes.  Other than that, been pretty boring since we were housebound for 3 days again this week thanks to the snow.  Manged to complete 2 Harrison Jones dailies on WoW, & had a baby on SL & that’s about it. *chuckles*  Hope everyone else had a great week, & sorry so short but feeling kind of blah today so hugs & have a good week ahead!

And don’t forget to pick a random number 1-121 for my random blog topic this week!