A big huge emotional rant

And no don’t be worried I just want to get this out of my system since there doesn’t seem to be anyone I can talk to about any of this anymore…I swear I’m not going to do anything crazy *laughs* anymore than usual that is.

I am….I don’t want to say depressed but…I am so upset & hurt & feeling useless & not needed & miserable & like I don’t matter & pain & rage…so much fucking rage & fear….I feel more of those than I do anything right now.  I don’t want it to end & I don’t want it to be over & I don’t want to be numb I just want to feel something other than miserable & alone & afraid & useless & unneeded & the anger that all of those are causing.  I’m trying so hard to change things but no matter what I do it just seems to make it worse so right now….I can’t feel anything but pain & sadness & hurt & fear & confusion & anger.  I have never felt so unneeded & invisible & alone as I do right now & it sucks big ass.  And yes my logical head knows it’s just feelings but that doesn’t make me FEEL them any less at all.  Right now it’s like the freezing yet burning hole inside of me is just….sitting there…waiting to see what I’m going to decide to do about it & right now…I just don’t know….all I can do is talk about it & get it out there & hope that doing that helps at least a little cause lord knows I don’t want to eat my misery away like usual…which is why I’m doing this post…hoping it keeps me from eating my way to numbness like I have so many times before.  Anyway….I think my rant is done & hopefully it will do some good.  Sorry to dump this here after being so quiet but…I’m done trying to figure it out in my own head so gonna make use of this LOL.

A rant about sex & relationships

Imagine this…me only posting to rant *laughs*.  It’s been a very rough year so I’ve not posted much because even I get tired of reading the same old shit so since so little has changed, I’ve just been quiet.  But now…I can’t keep quiet & hopefully this will help me just to write all of this down.

Years ago, when I got back onto SL I met this man that I ended up thinking was amazing.  We were off & on a time or 2 but he was always 1 of my closest friends & meant a lot to me.  That is until I found out he was lying to me the whole time, since I at 1 time did ask if he was married & he said no.  So when I found out…I knew if I didn’t completely wipe him out of my life I’d go crawling back at a low point so I did just that.  No explanations, nothing, just wiped his existence completely out of my life so I wouldn’t be an idiot.

I’ll admit, I was scarce on SL for a few months but then some friends convinced me to get back on there a little, if only to hang out with them.  Tho wouldn’t you know, the shit was about to hit the fan in the most spectacular fashion in years…only rivaled my divorce & my ex from Germany.  1 of these friends, admitted that he felt more for me than just friends.  Not love…he wasn’t that stupid since he was with someone at the time…but more than best buddies too.  Well I decided to see where it went…without ever really going over the line of just friends because I did not want to be the other woman again & he knew it…had been told time & time again.  Just see if there were feelings there & we’d see how things fell without getting in to deep.  But of course, it wasn’t that easy because by late Nov of last year, some things were said on voice that shouldn’t have been said…even tho I had said before time & time again & had warned him that sometimes I had moron moments & to not let me do something stupid…well he let me do stupid things & then acted like he had no idea what he’d done wrong.  I trusted him to keep me safe, & he didn’t even see that what had happened was so far past keeping me safe it wasn’t funny.  So…again…I got to block 1 of the most important people in my life from my entire life.  Again because of a betrayal of trust even if it wasn’t about cheating but just not keeping me away from the line he knew I’d stupidly cross & needed help staying away from.

Well after that fuck up, I stayed off of SL for about 7 or 8 months except for dealing with my breedables.  But I started getting back on cause I thought I was ok enough & had my head on well enough to start dealing with people again.  And I did so good for a while.  But to make a long story short, I’m now in another mess because I’m an idiot.  I don’t know how in the hell I got a big “I’m a slut please fuck me cause that’s all I’m good for” sign on my forehead but I sure seem to have 1.  Because every single man I meet, no matter how it starts off, very quickly moves it to sex even when I say I’m not interested.  All I want is to be valued & cared about & in a relationship with someone who likes me for me…not just what I can do with all my holes.  Why the fuck is that so hard to understand & find?!  It doesn’t matter where I meet them…it always happens.  And more than I’d like to admit more happens & then I feel like such an idiot afterwards or like leftovers…both of which suck big ass.  Why can’t someone want me because they care…not just because they wanna fuck me or think I’m a great fuck?  *shakes her head* I just don’t understand it sometimes.  So here I am now…balanced on that damned precipice & you know what…I’m damned tired of losing.  I don’t want to lose any friends or would be friends, but I don’t wanna cheat myself either.  I just want someone who feels for me like I feel for them.

Anyway…I think my rant here is done *laughs* so thanks for listening & maybe it’ll be a better reason I post next time!  Hugs to all!

Yays random!

Just sitting here listening to music…ranging from One Direction to AC/DC to Beethoven & now Tainted love *laughs*…& was thinking.  I really truly do believe in love, & that makes everything so much more confusing because even tho I really do believe in it, every time I think I might have found out I get gut punched.  I know everyone has those issues, but it’s still crap.  There should be a clearer, easier way to tell, if only to save so much pain & heartbreak.  I try telling myself that since I’ve gone thru so many tries that when I do find it it’ll be awesome & amazing even if I have to work my ass off to keep it, but lately…it has been so hard to hold on to at least a tiny bit of hope since I’ve lost most of it.  I’m so tired of the liars & cheaters & even worse the ones who love you for what you can give them & how they make you feel instead of what & who you really are, or the ones who don’t necessarily lie but hold back on things…big things…they know would make all the difference in the relationship…for the good or the bad.  I’m tired of fake people & shallow people & selfish people & people who act like their selfless but can’t think beyond themselves…I’m just so tired of so much of it.  As I told a friend the other day, I’m as low as I can get because for me, self harm (except my emotional eating) has never even been an issue or question because that is never been something I’ve wanted to do or felt like I had to do to make myself better, but right now…I’m not much above that I’ll admit.  Most of the time it’s like being in a dark, damp, misty forest where the mist is so think it’s like a blanket & all I want to do is hide there forever.  But I’ve been concentrating on my weight & eating so hoping that will pull me out some since my normal standby just isn’t going to happen…every time I try to write all I can do is stare at the blank page & hate whatever’s giving me such terrible writer’s block.

Anyway, just needed to vent & rant again so huggies to all & thanks for your support even if it’s just as a like or comment or visiting & reading & hope you have an awesome weekend!

For the new year…

I hope everyone survived the holidays without too much trouble if not actually enjoyed them.  And I hope this year is bigger & better & brighter than the last for each & every one of you.

For me, I don’t make actual resolutions but…I am going to try to change & keep working on some things this year so am going to make a list…that way I can come back & reread it whenever I find it difficult to keep doing these things.

  1. watching what I eat even better than I have been.  I have been able to keep my weight at around 370 give or take all year so I haven’t gained any but haven’t lost any either so going to do what I can to work on that.  Especially since because before Christmas break, I felt better than I have in a few years & I don’t want to lose that ground I’ve finally gained.
  2. Keep remembering that I deserve better & I don’t have to make myself uncomfortable or do things I’m not entirely happy with to keep someone in my life & happy with me.  I am not that kind of woman & I will not become that kind of woman & that’s all there is to it.  I am a lot of things & have done a lot of things but when it doesn’t feel right anymore…I will pay attention to that feeling & not ignore it or try to talk myself out of it because I…am better than that & I damn well know it.
  3. I will exercise & move more.  As I said I was feeling better physically & I do not want to lose that.  I’ve struggled too long & hard to let it go now
  4. spend at least an hour or 2 a week trying to write since I have this huge behemoth of a story that I need to finish & am just going to have to force myself to do just that
  5. eat more fruits & veggies!!  And that includes potatoes only if I cook them myself *laughs* chips don’t count even tho I wish they did.  And drink at least 2 bottles of water a day on top of everything else.
  6. Will cook a new dish at least once every 2 weeks.
  7. try to post at least once a week here even if it’s only a hi, how ya doing kind of thing.  I’ve sucked a lot at posting on here & I’m sorry for that & very grateful for everyone who has stuck by & am going to do my best to do better.

I think that’s about it for now…will add more if I need to as I go along so hugs to everyone & hope that they have a good rest of the weekend & a good week this coming week!

2 posts in 2 days!

I know…it’s scary isn’t it? *laughs*  But I just read a post on someone else’s blog that made me think about a lot of the things I’ve had running thru my head, & decided that this wasn’t something I needed to put on the password only blog but deserved to be shared here since so many of you have been going thru this with me…some almost since the very beginning.

I have finally…I think…decided what’s best for me.  Which has led to a few decisions on rules or guidelines or whatever you want to call it I need to follow for the next little while in my life.  Firstly…I need to come first…or at least me & my family does.  That means parts of me are going to be annoyed because they’re going to be cut off & other parts of me are going to have to learn how to deal with things whether they want to or not.  There will be no more pushing emotionally charged or upsetting things off to the side or letting the slut side help hide those hurtful or scary or big feelings anymore.  Sexual & physical intimacy & my extreme submissive almost slave side…are not there to keep myself from feeling the scary big feelings…they should help deal with those feelings.  And that can’t happen with just anyone who talks a smooth line to get in my pants.  I need to keep that side of me locked up until I’m with someone…someone who loves me & understands me & can be there for me & is more interested in my emotional & mental well being than getting into my pants or controlling me.  Because that slut side as I call her…she’s scarey enough herself since it’s just as much my slave/primal/animalistic/instinctual part as my slut.  She’s the 1 who does & reacts…& does not think.  So I need to be with someone I can trust with my heart & soul & mind…all of me…& that can’t come without a relationship &/or commitment & a lot of time.

That side of me is the scariest part of me…much scarier than my little side.  She is where my need comes from & I’ll admit…there is a lot of need in her.  To be needed & protected & to trust in someone so completely that she can do anything she thinks or feels without fear of losing them or scaring them away or being too clingy.  I thought for the longest time that the need to be someone’s…to be adored & worshipped & needed & protected & guided was the little part…but I’m starting to think it’s not.  She is love & innocence & trust & precious…so many of the things I thought were here are much more naked & basic feelings & needs.  I have though so long they were at opposite ends…my slut & my princess…but now I think they’re more 2 sides of the same part than I ever could’ve imagined.  Instead of the slut protecting the princess…I’m starting to think it’s been the other way around.  Which means I have to protect the slut from herself because when she manages to take control & do what she thinks she needs to do to be wanted…all of us suffer for it…with guilt & pain & misery & disgust at letting people who only want our body use us when all we want is to be someone’s one & only…to make their life a better, brighter place for us being with them…being theirs.

I hate talking about things like this.  I have a huge headache now, my stomach is upset & sour, & I’m fighting not to cry because it hurts & is so damned scary to expose myself this way to anyone.  But after reading that blog post…I realized I needed to do this…to make it easier on myself & so next time I’m tempted to let someone control me or use me in a way that’s not good for me…I can come back here & remember how it feels & hopefully keep myself from doing it just because I’m alone & desperate & in pain.

Thanks again everyone for listening & *laughs a bit* feel free to comment or even email if you feel the need since I have my email in my about now.  Hugs to all & enjoy the rest of your weekend & your week ahead!

Uh oh more thoughts

The other day me & a friend of mine were talking about me & my personality & me being submissive, & how I seem to be all right being on my own. I know that’s a common thing with most submissives…especially those who are comfortable in their own skins.  Anyway…after we logged off of Skype, I got to thinking about what we’d been talking about right beforehand & I wanted to put my thoughts out there & see what other people think.

I have to wonder if maybe what I & many other people have thought was me being submissive was just another side of something much more primal & core to me.  When I’m in a relationship with someone, over my entire life, I have been very changeable.  If I really cared about someone or was very involved in the relationship, I would either consciously or subconsciously…sometimes both…change things about myself to either please them or suit the relationship.  And before, it was like giving up my own identity because I did it so completely since I didn’t really know who I was.

I have realized tho, in the 2 relationships I’ve had since I broke & had to put myself back together again, that I did do that with them as well but…didn’t lose myself in the process.  And because I do focus so much on pleasing the other person…to make them happy which makes me happy…it feels so much like being submissive.  But I’ve also realized in the last couple of years that my core personality has never quite finished growing up.  She’s the 1 that so very few people even know exist let alone meet or spend time with because the rest of us keep her so guarded.  She is our hopes & dreams & optimism & where our real heartfelt love for someone comes from.  She is the best of us which is why we have to keep her safe & protected.  She’s been broken once…that can’t happen again…we refuse to allow it.

Anyway…to get back to my point again *laughs* I can feel myself doing it again.  As I open myself up, I have felt things changing inside me…tho to be honest this time there’s been much less change, & the changes that are happening are probably for the best of all of us.  I am again having to deal with my feminine side…which anyone who knows me well knows is hidden or buried most of the time.  Tho now, I’m slowing learning or am able to use what I have learned over the last few years & am able to deal with it & even express myself articulately about how I feel.  And it’s as my feminine side opens up that the self questioning about me being submissive comes about.

I don’t know if it’s something that just is…which means I most likely am submissive…or if it’s something learned or that happens later in life in which case I’m not sure I am really submissive like I first thought.  Because it’s such a part of me…it’s how I’ve always been…so it’s hard to figure out which way it goes.  I just know that when I care about someone…anyone who is important to me…I give & change to make their lives better & that is what makes me happy.  I’m not being forced to or feel like I have to do it to keep them in my life…it’s just what I do because their happiness is my happiness.  Tho I’m starting to think when there’s real feelings there…there’s much less change needed because the feelings wouldn’t be there if I wasn’t close to whatever they needed & wanted to begin with.

Anyway…this is just something I’ve been thinking about lately so thanks everyone for being here & listening & hopefully will be posting more sooner rather than laters!  hugs to all of you.

 

What’s going thru my head right now…

I’ve had some things going thru my head off & on over the last few days & have finally decided that I need to write it down to see if it makes any kind of sense.

I know what I want & am sure it’s right.  Problem is….there are so many variables between here & there that…as happy & content as I am most of the time, there are times when it seems so damned impossible I just want to cry.  I have so many things I want & don’t get me wrong I’m grateful but…there’s just times when…the realist gets in the way & points out how low the chances are it’ll ever come to fruition.  I know I just need to have patience but oftentimes that’s easier said than done especially when feelings or emotions are concerned.  It’s not about being treated badly or being lied to or used because lord knows that is definitely not happening.  This is me…in my head & heart & mind.  I want so much…hell feel so damned much &…it scares me so much to feel like this especially given how my life is right now.

And now…to make things even more frightening, I’ve gotten to where I’ve crossed my own personal line too much for comfort.  I honestly don’t regret it a bit but…I don’t like the way it makes me see myself sometimes, either.  Because losing control like that…it feels so delicious & amazing & awesome that it’s almost addictive….but it’s not how I wanted things to be right now either.  I’ve done things so good…am so proud at how well I’ve handled myself over the last few months…but right now…if things keep happening like they have been, I’m afraid I’m not going to be happy with myself & that’s the last thing I want because dammit as I said…my life right now is right…I don’t want my own stupidity to screw it up so I have to figure out what to do.  I don’t want any regrets…haven’t had any so far & want to keep it that way so…*shakes her head* I’ve just got to figure out what to do.  I’ve seen where the way things are heading in my life lead & I don’t want to do that again to anyone I care about in my life so I have to deal with it now before it gets to the point where it all goes bad.

I know what I want…my version of the fairytale.  To fall in love & be loved back, & to be able to be with him the way we should be, & eventually married.  Which means I have to do it right so…*sighs* as much as it pains me I’m afraid I’m gonna have to rebuild my walls just a bit…just enough to keep from messing things up by doing things I know I’m not really ready for.

Thanks to all of you for listening & hope you all have an awesome weekend!

Just something that I’ve been thinking about lately…

I’ve been doing some more thinking this week *laughs* scary I know but there it is.  And I’ve come up with a few things I kind of want to talk about.

First of….how do you know whether you’re dependent on someone, or if it’s really love?  That question is hard to answer because there’s some many different types of love & even more, each person has their own version of what love feels or is.  For me…it’s caring about someone no matter what…as unconditionally as you can love another person & wanting them to be happy just to know they’re happy, not because you’re going to get something out of it.  I mean that’s the bare basics but…love is about giving & doing your best to make the 1 you love feel happy & loved & cared about & adored & valued.  If you can give that to another person, chances are you’ll find the same without even trying to find it because that kind of love…not friends, not lust, not family but love between 2 people…you never know when it’s going to hit or with who or how.  All we can do is hope we are able to recognize it before we lose it.

On the flipside, dependence is more out of fear…fear of being left, of being alone, or is more out of what you can get from someone else.  It’s more about you than them & in love…they are equally important…with dependence they’re not.

when do you know it’s love & not still that first hot blush of a new relationship?  This 1 I’m not so sure about but….for me…I think if you just want to be with them or feel them.  When snuggling or just holding hands or being held, is as important or more important than getting them into the sack.  When just being close to them or with them is better than anything else.  I’m not saying even then you won’t want sex because well yeah der if it’s a good relationship that should definitely be there but…it won’t be the only way to show affection like it can often be early on.  When the flirting itself is as good or better than where it will eventually get you.

For me…all I can do is hope that the person I love will be able to tell I do even when I don’t say it…since hopefully I show them every time I’m with them & even when I’m not just how much they mean to me & how special they are & that I will be there for them even when it’s painful & difficult because…isn’t that what love is?

 

Well hey there!

*sticks her head in* Hey everybody…sorry I’ve been away so long but maybe this post will help explain that at least a little bit.  Real life has been a real pain lately…extremely demanding for various reasons.  Most importantly…my own sanity.  Some things happened earlier this year that…really threw my whole life for a loop.  And when I get hurt like I did & have trouble trusting anyone as a result, it’s always been best for me to pull back from all but my family & closest friends while I figure out how to deal with how I’m feeling & get past it without hurting myself or anyone else or doing something really really stupid like I’m good at doing.  I didn’t want to make a bad situation worse so I just kept to myself while I did my best to heal.  Well in the middle of that, my computer died so I was without a computer for close to a month which made my hiding even easier to do.  And then it was summer & we weren’t in school/working so I kind of just took the rest of the summer off to do nothing.  And for the last month I’ve been working on getting back into the swing of things as well as keep working on my losing weight.

I know I’ve explained some of this in 1 of the last posts I made but I wanted to do it this way…make it feel like sort of an almost fresh beginning.  Because here we are now.  I’m at the moment just over 40 lbs under what I was at my highest…when I first realized I had so many physical problems that were much more than just side effects of being overweight.  And I’m holding it…even if it’s just barely.  And as for my head…I honestly am not sure even myself what’s going on in there…but maybe if I write a bit of it out, it might help me just a little bit so here I go.  Also, as I said…this is a way to make a fresh start on this blog so what better way than to let everyone into my head a little bit.

I know that it’s not good to label people but…for me personally…it’s difficult to not be able to label myself.  For me there is just something comforting about having a name to call myself…a way to categorize myself…& right now I’m most definitely missing that.  I don’t know whether I’m a sub, a babygirl, a kitten, just shy & traditional, needy, high maintenance, too giving & trusting & open, an alpha bitch, or what exactly I am because I feel all of those things…some of the time.  And even tho I feel like a young teenager/preteen in the deepest part of me…even she doesn’t feel like the way so many other people describe their littles because…she is me…everything else is just layered on top of her.  The responsible adult me, the mom me, the horny slut me, the scared & clingy me, the alpha bitch me…they’re all part of me but also extensions of her because…I am that girl all the time tho she may get hidden or buried when rl makes it impossible for her to function & 1 of the others has to step up to the plate.

I also don’t know whether I’m ready for a relationship or not since I have so much difficulty meeting people to begin with.  I won’t know until it’s too late & I’m in 1 & shouldn’t be but other than being lonely…right now I feel like I’m a decent headspace finally.  Problem is…it’s coming at a price.  Right now I’m damned no matter what I do so all I can do is just hope I do the best I can to not make a big mess of things.  I feel safe, & secure, & calm…things I usually don’t feel but the source…I’m not sure it’s good for either of us to depend on each other like we do at this point.  I know how I feel…that isn’t the point…the point is…such a good thing could get ruined so easily & that’s a very scary thing.  Which is why I’m not sure if I should do something to stop that chance from happening & suffer there, or just blindly hope for the best…which never seems to happen for me.  Coming out on the other side of what I did made me realize just how precious some things & people can be & the last thing I’d want to do is lose someone because I was impatient.  So right now…I’m just hoping I get some kind of sign or something as to what to do.

Thanks everyone for listening & hope everyone is doing good in their own lives!  Lots of hugs & kisses & hopefully will be posting more on here after my net get sorted out finally.