What is different today than a year ago that you are grateful for?
The fact that even if I’ve only lost about 5 lbs in the last year, I can now actually walk short distances without wanting to die or pass out…no more than half a block or so but it’s more than I could do this time last year so I’m thrilled to tears to do it because at least now I can go out to eat with my kid & his girlfriend & not be too miserable to eat once I get into the restaurant. Oh & I can tie my shoes on the bus again yays!
What accomplishments in your life have brought you the most happiness?
Probably being told that I raised a good kid, &/or told I did a good job with him & have a good kid. Coming from someone who was told from 16 she’d never have kids without a lot of work & even that was iffy, so I never even thought about kids, that’s a huge compliment & makes all the doubts worth it.
Who are you grateful for & why?
My kid because honestly I’m not sure I’d be anything but even more of a housebound hermit than I am if he hadn’t’ve come along….or else have just eaten myself to death.
What is one thing you love about yourself?
Hmmm…let’s think. I guess…even tho sometimes it’s totally freaking annoying…the fact that I’m at heart an optimistic person & almost always come around to seeing the best in not only people but the world. I may feel horrid & miserable & hate everything but it never lasts for long because that damned annoying sunniness pops out…if not at random then because of the smallest of things.
I figured I was doing 1 of these on facebook, but also want to do 1 here because I think the more I do it the better off I’ll be. I know it’s a day late starting but meh…I can do 2 today to make up for it. *laughs*
What made you smile today?
That my kid’s girlfriend shoved him out of the way to hug me after I hugged him, saying it was her turn. Something simple but gave me a good chuckle…especially the look on his face until he laughed about it too.
Trying to figure out what to do next in my head & wanted to post a few things here to maybe help jog something in my head.
Picture intensive so going to put in a break so you don’t have to load them up without warning!
Thought I’d pop in for a hello really quick. Have been thinking about posting for a while but honestly…am so lost as to what to post I haven’t done anything. Am considering doing a blog challenge or something to maybe see if that will kick start my brain. I’m looking around for some I’d like to do but if anyone has any suggestions I would love to hear them!
Things are all right here…just kind of treading water until school is out in a few weeks & I can make some more changes. Happy early Mother’s Day to everyone out there since we all either are or have had mothers…even if we’re only mothers to furry babies. Hugs to all & hopefully will be talking to you sooner than it has been in the past!
And most especially…thank you to all of you who have stuck by me even when my posting has sucked & been very few & far between…it means the world to me.
And no don’t be worried I just want to get this out of my system since there doesn’t seem to be anyone I can talk to about any of this anymore…I swear I’m not going to do anything crazy *laughs* anymore than usual that is.
I am….I don’t want to say depressed but…I am so upset & hurt & feeling useless & not needed & miserable & like I don’t matter & pain & rage…so much fucking rage & fear….I feel more of those than I do anything right now. I don’t want it to end & I don’t want it to be over & I don’t want to be numb I just want to feel something other than miserable & alone & afraid & useless & unneeded & the anger that all of those are causing. I’m trying so hard to change things but no matter what I do it just seems to make it worse so right now….I can’t feel anything but pain & sadness & hurt & fear & confusion & anger. I have never felt so unneeded & invisible & alone as I do right now & it sucks big ass. And yes my logical head knows it’s just feelings but that doesn’t make me FEEL them any less at all. Right now it’s like the freezing yet burning hole inside of me is just….sitting there…waiting to see what I’m going to decide to do about it & right now…I just don’t know….all I can do is talk about it & get it out there & hope that doing that helps at least a little cause lord knows I don’t want to eat my misery away like usual…which is why I’m doing this post…hoping it keeps me from eating my way to numbness like I have so many times before. Anyway….I think my rant is done & hopefully it will do some good. Sorry to dump this here after being so quiet but…I’m done trying to figure it out in my own head so gonna make use of this LOL.
Hi everybody…thought I’d just pop on & say happy new year & share 1 of my Christmas presents because it’s awesome! Anyone who has been following me for a while knows all about Duncan, the furbaby I had to put to sleep a couple of years ago. Well I splurged this year & got me a CuddleClone of him & it couldn’t have turned out better! So Thank you to them & thanks to all of you & I so hope everyone has a good New Year!
Duncan holding my hand
2 views of the Cuddle Clone
Imagine this…me only posting to rant *laughs*. It’s been a very rough year so I’ve not posted much because even I get tired of reading the same old shit so since so little has changed, I’ve just been quiet. But now…I can’t keep quiet & hopefully this will help me just to write all of this down.
Years ago, when I got back onto SL I met this man that I ended up thinking was amazing. We were off & on a time or 2 but he was always 1 of my closest friends & meant a lot to me. That is until I found out he was lying to me the whole time, since I at 1 time did ask if he was married & he said no. So when I found out…I knew if I didn’t completely wipe him out of my life I’d go crawling back at a low point so I did just that. No explanations, nothing, just wiped his existence completely out of my life so I wouldn’t be an idiot.
I’ll admit, I was scarce on SL for a few months but then some friends convinced me to get back on there a little, if only to hang out with them. Tho wouldn’t you know, the shit was about to hit the fan in the most spectacular fashion in years…only rivaled my divorce & my ex from Germany. 1 of these friends, admitted that he felt more for me than just friends. Not love…he wasn’t that stupid since he was with someone at the time…but more than best buddies too. Well I decided to see where it went…without ever really going over the line of just friends because I did not want to be the other woman again & he knew it…had been told time & time again. Just see if there were feelings there & we’d see how things fell without getting in to deep. But of course, it wasn’t that easy because by late Nov of last year, some things were said on voice that shouldn’t have been said…even tho I had said before time & time again & had warned him that sometimes I had moron moments & to not let me do something stupid…well he let me do stupid things & then acted like he had no idea what he’d done wrong. I trusted him to keep me safe, & he didn’t even see that what had happened was so far past keeping me safe it wasn’t funny. So…again…I got to block 1 of the most important people in my life from my entire life. Again because of a betrayal of trust even if it wasn’t about cheating but just not keeping me away from the line he knew I’d stupidly cross & needed help staying away from.
Well after that fuck up, I stayed off of SL for about 7 or 8 months except for dealing with my breedables. But I started getting back on cause I thought I was ok enough & had my head on well enough to start dealing with people again. And I did so good for a while. But to make a long story short, I’m now in another mess because I’m an idiot. I don’t know how in the hell I got a big “I’m a slut please fuck me cause that’s all I’m good for” sign on my forehead but I sure seem to have 1. Because every single man I meet, no matter how it starts off, very quickly moves it to sex even when I say I’m not interested. All I want is to be valued & cared about & in a relationship with someone who likes me for me…not just what I can do with all my holes. Why the fuck is that so hard to understand & find?! It doesn’t matter where I meet them…it always happens. And more than I’d like to admit more happens & then I feel like such an idiot afterwards or like leftovers…both of which suck big ass. Why can’t someone want me because they care…not just because they wanna fuck me or think I’m a great fuck? *shakes her head* I just don’t understand it sometimes. So here I am now…balanced on that damned precipice & you know what…I’m damned tired of losing. I don’t want to lose any friends or would be friends, but I don’t wanna cheat myself either. I just want someone who feels for me like I feel for them.
Anyway…I think my rant here is done *laughs* so thanks for listening & maybe it’ll be a better reason I post next time! Hugs to all!