First TMI Tuesday in a while

tmi_guilty_pleasure

1. What TV show do you love to watch but are a little embarrassed to tell friends that you simply cannot miss an episode.

It’s an older 1 but I’ve been binge watching True Blood & Hemlock Grove & I’ll be the first to admit it’s kind of embarrassing since for the longest time I hated them both. *laughs*

2. What website and/or magazine do you read and it’s your guilty pleasure?

Cracked & Buzzfeed & WatchMojo lol

3. What is the grocery store item you buy but you know you should not?

Cookies

4. Tell us about something you do at work that you would not want your co-workers to know that you do.

Honestly can’t think of anything.  I usually sit out in the truck & read while I wait to go in but they all know that. lol

5. Do you have a secret stash? What is it?

I do but it’s not for me…I keep extra cat food for the cat just in case she runs out & or a can gets busted or something.

Bonus: What is your most embarrassing guilty pleasure?

The fact that I have to have a stuffie on the table beside the bed every night even if I don’t sleep with it *laughs*

I just had to hahahaha

for all of us who have a little princess or girlie girl in them *laughs*…

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a unicorn farting rainbows courtesy of a screencap made from my favorite show…Supernatural. *laughs*

On another note…have started another blog…sort of a ranting get my feelings out kind of thing that’s more personal than this will be most likely & would love for anyone who’s interested to read it.  I have it passworded but I know quite a few of you from either rl or your own blogs & have added my email at the bottom of both my about & crash course about this blog pages so if you’d like it…I’d be glad to share it with anyone who wants it.  *smiles* Thanks for all the support & everything & will as always try to do better at posting!  Huggies & have a great weekend!

Edit: *laughs & blushes* just realized I forgot to link the site…SafePlaceforG

Uh oh more thoughts

The other day me & a friend of mine were talking about me & my personality & me being submissive, & how I seem to be all right being on my own. I know that’s a common thing with most submissives…especially those who are comfortable in their own skins.  Anyway…after we logged off of Skype, I got to thinking about what we’d been talking about right beforehand & I wanted to put my thoughts out there & see what other people think.

I have to wonder if maybe what I & many other people have thought was me being submissive was just another side of something much more primal & core to me.  When I’m in a relationship with someone, over my entire life, I have been very changeable.  If I really cared about someone or was very involved in the relationship, I would either consciously or subconsciously…sometimes both…change things about myself to either please them or suit the relationship.  And before, it was like giving up my own identity because I did it so completely since I didn’t really know who I was.

I have realized tho, in the 2 relationships I’ve had since I broke & had to put myself back together again, that I did do that with them as well but…didn’t lose myself in the process.  And because I do focus so much on pleasing the other person…to make them happy which makes me happy…it feels so much like being submissive.  But I’ve also realized in the last couple of years that my core personality has never quite finished growing up.  She’s the 1 that so very few people even know exist let alone meet or spend time with because the rest of us keep her so guarded.  She is our hopes & dreams & optimism & where our real heartfelt love for someone comes from.  She is the best of us which is why we have to keep her safe & protected.  She’s been broken once…that can’t happen again…we refuse to allow it.

Anyway…to get back to my point again *laughs* I can feel myself doing it again.  As I open myself up, I have felt things changing inside me…tho to be honest this time there’s been much less change, & the changes that are happening are probably for the best of all of us.  I am again having to deal with my feminine side…which anyone who knows me well knows is hidden or buried most of the time.  Tho now, I’m slowing learning or am able to use what I have learned over the last few years & am able to deal with it & even express myself articulately about how I feel.  And it’s as my feminine side opens up that the self questioning about me being submissive comes about.

I don’t know if it’s something that just is…which means I most likely am submissive…or if it’s something learned or that happens later in life in which case I’m not sure I am really submissive like I first thought.  Because it’s such a part of me…it’s how I’ve always been…so it’s hard to figure out which way it goes.  I just know that when I care about someone…anyone who is important to me…I give & change to make their lives better & that is what makes me happy.  I’m not being forced to or feel like I have to do it to keep them in my life…it’s just what I do because their happiness is my happiness.  Tho I’m starting to think when there’s real feelings there…there’s much less change needed because the feelings wouldn’t be there if I wasn’t close to whatever they needed & wanted to begin with.

Anyway…this is just something I’ve been thinking about lately so thanks everyone for being here & listening & hopefully will be posting more sooner rather than laters!  hugs to all of you.

 

Well hey there!

*sticks her head in* Hey everybody…sorry I’ve been away so long but maybe this post will help explain that at least a little bit.  Real life has been a real pain lately…extremely demanding for various reasons.  Most importantly…my own sanity.  Some things happened earlier this year that…really threw my whole life for a loop.  And when I get hurt like I did & have trouble trusting anyone as a result, it’s always been best for me to pull back from all but my family & closest friends while I figure out how to deal with how I’m feeling & get past it without hurting myself or anyone else or doing something really really stupid like I’m good at doing.  I didn’t want to make a bad situation worse so I just kept to myself while I did my best to heal.  Well in the middle of that, my computer died so I was without a computer for close to a month which made my hiding even easier to do.  And then it was summer & we weren’t in school/working so I kind of just took the rest of the summer off to do nothing.  And for the last month I’ve been working on getting back into the swing of things as well as keep working on my losing weight.

I know I’ve explained some of this in 1 of the last posts I made but I wanted to do it this way…make it feel like sort of an almost fresh beginning.  Because here we are now.  I’m at the moment just over 40 lbs under what I was at my highest…when I first realized I had so many physical problems that were much more than just side effects of being overweight.  And I’m holding it…even if it’s just barely.  And as for my head…I honestly am not sure even myself what’s going on in there…but maybe if I write a bit of it out, it might help me just a little bit so here I go.  Also, as I said…this is a way to make a fresh start on this blog so what better way than to let everyone into my head a little bit.

I know that it’s not good to label people but…for me personally…it’s difficult to not be able to label myself.  For me there is just something comforting about having a name to call myself…a way to categorize myself…& right now I’m most definitely missing that.  I don’t know whether I’m a sub, a babygirl, a kitten, just shy & traditional, needy, high maintenance, too giving & trusting & open, an alpha bitch, or what exactly I am because I feel all of those things…some of the time.  And even tho I feel like a young teenager/preteen in the deepest part of me…even she doesn’t feel like the way so many other people describe their littles because…she is me…everything else is just layered on top of her.  The responsible adult me, the mom me, the horny slut me, the scared & clingy me, the alpha bitch me…they’re all part of me but also extensions of her because…I am that girl all the time tho she may get hidden or buried when rl makes it impossible for her to function & 1 of the others has to step up to the plate.

I also don’t know whether I’m ready for a relationship or not since I have so much difficulty meeting people to begin with.  I won’t know until it’s too late & I’m in 1 & shouldn’t be but other than being lonely…right now I feel like I’m a decent headspace finally.  Problem is…it’s coming at a price.  Right now I’m damned no matter what I do so all I can do is just hope I do the best I can to not make a big mess of things.  I feel safe, & secure, & calm…things I usually don’t feel but the source…I’m not sure it’s good for either of us to depend on each other like we do at this point.  I know how I feel…that isn’t the point…the point is…such a good thing could get ruined so easily & that’s a very scary thing.  Which is why I’m not sure if I should do something to stop that chance from happening & suffer there, or just blindly hope for the best…which never seems to happen for me.  Coming out on the other side of what I did made me realize just how precious some things & people can be & the last thing I’d want to do is lose someone because I was impatient.  So right now…I’m just hoping I get some kind of sign or something as to what to do.

Thanks everyone for listening & hope everyone is doing good in their own lives!  Lots of hugs & kisses & hopefully will be posting more on here after my net get sorted out finally.

 

Howdy folks

I am still here just…been a difficult few weeks for me in the real world.  I’ve been dealing with the aftermath of a big change in my life, so have been alternating between thinking alot to try & figure out how to deal with it, fighting myself to not eat myself into a nice warm comfort zone, & avoiding thinking at all by watching WAY too many YouTube videos. *laughs*

I have felt very disgusted & disheartened lately, & it’s been very hard to deal with so I’ve withdrawn alot like I often do when I’m trying to work thru something.  But I’ve come to the point where I’m not sure I can work thru this.  I think this time…I’m not broken again but not sure I even want to get back out & open myself up to people again.  I have been so disgusted with myself & how naive & trusting I can be that it’s made it super difficult to not eat myself into a comfort food coma.  And I haven’t…at least not yet.  Even feeling that way, I’ve managed to ride out a few ups & down of the scale & not freak out about it so I’m obviously doing something right there.  Plus our oldest cat got super sick this week & had me pretty worried so that’s been another thing I’ve had to deal with as well as adjusting to being home with my kid all day everyday practically what with school being out & me not working.

I’m even doing some avoiding of some of my good friends cause I don’t wanna rain my grumpiness & moodiness all over them especially since they seem to be doing good right now.  I also don’t want them to feel guilty for doing good when I feel like things are pretty pointless for me relationshipwise right now.  I feel ok or good about everything else but right now…I’m not sure I’d recognize or even want him if the perfect man for me showed up right now.  I’m pretty sure I’d tell him thanks but no thanks that I’m not interested & send him on his way even if he was perfect for me.  Notice I’m saying for me…not perfect cause Lord knows I’d not want a perfect man.

I’ve also been thinking alot about whether I’m really submissive or just a shy, traditional type woman who is very much in touch with her inner child instead.  Because times like these…I can’t stop the way I do or feel & no 1 should have to try to lead me thru this.  I need comfort, not control when I’m like this & I can’t really concentrate on anyone but myself & my kid as I work my way thru my own head.  It just wouldn’t feel right or fair to have a Daddy or Dominant right now because I just couldn’t be what they deserved when I’m like this.  I need friends more than anything…friends who understand & don’t take personally when I’m quiet for a few days while I avoid then think about things.  A relationship is the absolute last thing I need or want right now no matter how much I hate to be single.

Anyway, I guess count this as an update a day early & hugs to everyone who has stuck by me thru all of this.  I’m gonna try doing at least random posts once or twice a week for a while till I feel like I can do more.  So thanks again to all of you & hope the rest of your weekend is good.

I know I know I just posted but….

After I posted the last 1 WordPress told me that was my 200th post so just wanted to say thank you to everyone who follows me!  It’s so appreciated & so glad you’ve stuck around thru all the changes that’s gone on over the last 2 1/2 years!

Also, saw this while looking for something on Amazon & had to share it cause it made me crack up…link is under the picture just click it!  Hugs to all!

51lwbbm7wFL

http://www.amazon.com/Princess-Mug-Fashion-Pretty-Supposed/dp/B00Q7Q9OY4

This week’s update

I’ve lost some weight this week but since at least part of it was water weight…I’m taking it with a grain of salt & being happy but not doing cartwheels about it.

Otherwise, most of this week has been the same old same old just waiting till school’s out so I can finally not be so fricking worn out all the time.  Did go to the movies with my kid today to see Furious 7 & even tho he grumbled about going as only a teenager can, he said it was good & wanted to see the next 1 when it came out too.  So yays me I did some good there.

Also, something that’s been kicking around a bit in my head for a while….just feels like the time to write it.  The ones who have been following me since the beginning know that my posting & even the length of my posts can vary greatly.  And lately, I’ve been struggling to do more than just a few sentences & I almost feel like I’m cheating everyone who follows because I can’t write more.  My logical mind knows that’s a load of horseshit but that little girl who loves nothing more than to please others does have a bit of a fit about it from time to time.  Tho even my deepest thoughts are still pretty straight forward.  I will admit it’s odd sometimes because I follow so many blogs that…the writers are amazing & offer such a great insight that it can often move you to tears.  I’m just not that kind of writer & once in a while it makes me doubt myself just a little.  Since there will never be any deep thoughts or florid prose here. *chuckles*  But I enjoy doing it too much to stop so I just do my best to give myself a pep talk & go on with things as best I can.  I’m not really looking for anything here just…was a rare glimpse into my head that’s actually more deep than most things I post are *laughs* & deeper than most things I think honestly.  So thank you all for listening & I hope your week ahead is the best that it can be!

 

TMI Tuesday

Hi peeps! It’s been a long day, I’m exhausted. No energy to be creative for TMI Tuesdayso I ripped these questions (and modified) from a dating website.

Yes, I’m listening…

garfields listening_tmi
1. Who has been the biggest influence in your life?   I’d have to say my son because I’ve had to do & learn so many things & face parts of myself I didn’t want to ever find let alone admit to or face & I wouldn’t have been able to do any of it if it wasn’t for him & knowing he needed me to do it whether he ever knew it or not.

2. What kinds of things really make you laugh?    All sorts of things…usually juvenile humor, sarcasm, or cats lol they’re guaranteed to get a laugh out of me.

3. What’s your favorite place in the entire world?    I guess my house since I don’t really have any other place.  Used to be my grandma’s in her kitchen/dining room with her but now…I guess it’s my bed on a stormy night laughing at the cats & my kid all joining me.

4. Who is your best friend? What do you like about him/her?    Arial & *laughs* I’ve covered that a few times – Here as well as in various other places.

5. What’s your biggest goal in life right now?    Lose this weight & become the person I know I can be

6. What was your family like growing up?    It was always interesting & we adopted all the strays…both pets *laughs* & kids it seemed like.

Bonus: What is one thing about you that would surprise us?    That I’m scared of my own shadow even now & so much a frightened little girl who sometimes feels so alone in the world

Pic of the week 7

It’s been a very odd week this week so I don’t have much to choose from for pics but here’s a picture of the stuffed cat my dad let me get after I had to put Duncan to sleep last Sept.  I took him to work with me the other day because I had to go to the doctor before work & get blood drawn & needed the comfort since it’s wicked hard to draw blood from me.  And while I was sitting there, talking to a friend, I was posing him & she thought this 1 was funny so I decided to take a picture of it, & am now sharing it!  Woohoo *laughs* the fun of being a little sometimes.  Hugs to all & have a great weekend!

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& oops sorry *laughs* stupid link