Hey everybody!

Thought I’d pop in for a hello really quick.  Have been thinking about posting for a while but honestly…am so lost as to what to post I haven’t done anything.  Am considering doing a blog challenge or something to maybe see if that will kick start my brain.  I’m looking around for some I’d like to do but if anyone has any suggestions I would love to hear them!

Things are all right here…just kind of treading water until school is out in a few weeks & I can make some more changes.  Happy early Mother’s Day to everyone out there since we all either are or have had mothers…even if we’re only mothers to furry babies.  Hugs to all & hopefully will be talking to you sooner than it has been in the past!

And most especially…thank you to all of you who have stuck by me even when my posting has sucked & been very few & far between…it means the world to me.

Advertisements

Happy New Year

Hi everybody…thought I’d just pop on & say happy new year & share 1 of my Christmas presents because it’s awesome!  Anyone who has been following me for a while knows all about Duncan, the furbaby I had to put to sleep a couple of years ago.  Well I splurged this year & got me a CuddleClone of him & it couldn’t have turned out better!  So Thank you to them & thanks to all of you & I so hope everyone has a good New Year!

Duncan

Duncan holding my hand

imag0780 imag0781

2 views of the Cuddle Clone

 

 

Just a quick couple of things…

I just checked my WordPress Dashboard & realized that yesterday was my 6 yr anniversary of having joined WP.  I haven’t been blogging the whole time & haven’t been on this 1 the whole time but it still made me chuckle & feels like an awesome thing.

6 Year Anniversary Achievement
Happy Anniversary with WordPress.com!
You registered on WordPress.com 6 years ago.
Thanks for flying with us. Keep up the good blogging.

 

I had started to post that earlier but got sidetracked, & just ran into this on Facebook & wanted to share it.  It will make you cry but only cause there’s so many feels.  It’s also why I am almost 44 & am not ashamed of being a fangirl…because some celebrities are awesome people & do everything they can to make the world a better place & are so much more than their money & fame.  I know not all of them are that way but it brightens my day when they are & to reminded there are still so many good people in the world.  Bless the both of them as well as all of you.

Ryan R: Actor Writes Tribute to 13-Year-Old Fan Who Died From Cancer

 

Hey there

It’s me again!  *laughs* I’ve been meaning to post here but seems every time I think of something I’m where I can’t right the idea down & I forget it before I’m able to put it down on here.  Tho I would like to ask an opinion from anyone who’s willing to help.  I know this blog has gone so many directions since the beginning since things have changed so much in my life since then, but I would like to be a bit more regular even if it’s just a weekly inspirational picture & a few comments…just to show I am still here & am still interested just kind of still trying to figure out a direction if any.  So if anyone has any opinions or anything ideas or such I’d love to hear them & even if not, still thank you all for being there thru so long & for the people I’ve met & comment with…all of you mean the world to me so thank you & don’t forget you have made a difference for at least one person!  Huggies to everyone!

Wow…it’s been a while

I hadn’t realized how long it had been since I was on here & I do want to say I am sorry.  I’ve been working thru things in my head…concentrating super hard on sticking to the weight loss that everything else has kind of fallen to the wayside.  But I am still here & hopefully will be doing more as it gets prettier out & I get in a better place to do more so hugs everyone & have a good rest of the week & a good weekend as well!  And here’s some thoughts that’ve helped me a lot in the last few weeks so wanted to share them. *smiles*

1517_1239968292710324_184803348139502336_n

943946_10156356662215478_1966994767024701222_n

11822700_565074733647360_8462335084918095431_n12507604_1240560775984409_7866418625940511485_n12669571_10156333602845478_7141400234523365280_n

12814519_614843985331316_6727811292642383277_n

For the new year…

I hope everyone survived the holidays without too much trouble if not actually enjoyed them.  And I hope this year is bigger & better & brighter than the last for each & every one of you.

For me, I don’t make actual resolutions but…I am going to try to change & keep working on some things this year so am going to make a list…that way I can come back & reread it whenever I find it difficult to keep doing these things.

  1. watching what I eat even better than I have been.  I have been able to keep my weight at around 370 give or take all year so I haven’t gained any but haven’t lost any either so going to do what I can to work on that.  Especially since because before Christmas break, I felt better than I have in a few years & I don’t want to lose that ground I’ve finally gained.
  2. Keep remembering that I deserve better & I don’t have to make myself uncomfortable or do things I’m not entirely happy with to keep someone in my life & happy with me.  I am not that kind of woman & I will not become that kind of woman & that’s all there is to it.  I am a lot of things & have done a lot of things but when it doesn’t feel right anymore…I will pay attention to that feeling & not ignore it or try to talk myself out of it because I…am better than that & I damn well know it.
  3. I will exercise & move more.  As I said I was feeling better physically & I do not want to lose that.  I’ve struggled too long & hard to let it go now
  4. spend at least an hour or 2 a week trying to write since I have this huge behemoth of a story that I need to finish & am just going to have to force myself to do just that
  5. eat more fruits & veggies!!  And that includes potatoes only if I cook them myself *laughs* chips don’t count even tho I wish they did.  And drink at least 2 bottles of water a day on top of everything else.
  6. Will cook a new dish at least once every 2 weeks.
  7. try to post at least once a week here even if it’s only a hi, how ya doing kind of thing.  I’ve sucked a lot at posting on here & I’m sorry for that & very grateful for everyone who has stuck by & am going to do my best to do better.

I think that’s about it for now…will add more if I need to as I go along so hugs to everyone & hope that they have a good rest of the weekend & a good week this coming week!

My Wishes to all of you

I hope everyone has a good day today…whether it’s Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays or even just Friday, the beginning of the weekend (or even Saturday already in some parts of the world).  Hope it’s a day full of love & hope & fun even if only for a moment because everyone needs at least a little of all 3 every day!

Cat with Santa Claus red hat looking at camera

a9eb597368032b539b95640c06d1b04f

 

Thank you for everyone who has every liked or commented on my blog & know that someone out there cares & is thinking of you today no matter what day it is for you!

2 posts in 2 days!

I know…it’s scary isn’t it? *laughs*  But I just read a post on someone else’s blog that made me think about a lot of the things I’ve had running thru my head, & decided that this wasn’t something I needed to put on the password only blog but deserved to be shared here since so many of you have been going thru this with me…some almost since the very beginning.

I have finally…I think…decided what’s best for me.  Which has led to a few decisions on rules or guidelines or whatever you want to call it I need to follow for the next little while in my life.  Firstly…I need to come first…or at least me & my family does.  That means parts of me are going to be annoyed because they’re going to be cut off & other parts of me are going to have to learn how to deal with things whether they want to or not.  There will be no more pushing emotionally charged or upsetting things off to the side or letting the slut side help hide those hurtful or scary or big feelings anymore.  Sexual & physical intimacy & my extreme submissive almost slave side…are not there to keep myself from feeling the scary big feelings…they should help deal with those feelings.  And that can’t happen with just anyone who talks a smooth line to get in my pants.  I need to keep that side of me locked up until I’m with someone…someone who loves me & understands me & can be there for me & is more interested in my emotional & mental well being than getting into my pants or controlling me.  Because that slut side as I call her…she’s scarey enough herself since it’s just as much my slave/primal/animalistic/instinctual part as my slut.  She’s the 1 who does & reacts…& does not think.  So I need to be with someone I can trust with my heart & soul & mind…all of me…& that can’t come without a relationship &/or commitment & a lot of time.

That side of me is the scariest part of me…much scarier than my little side.  She is where my need comes from & I’ll admit…there is a lot of need in her.  To be needed & protected & to trust in someone so completely that she can do anything she thinks or feels without fear of losing them or scaring them away or being too clingy.  I thought for the longest time that the need to be someone’s…to be adored & worshipped & needed & protected & guided was the little part…but I’m starting to think it’s not.  She is love & innocence & trust & precious…so many of the things I thought were here are much more naked & basic feelings & needs.  I have though so long they were at opposite ends…my slut & my princess…but now I think they’re more 2 sides of the same part than I ever could’ve imagined.  Instead of the slut protecting the princess…I’m starting to think it’s been the other way around.  Which means I have to protect the slut from herself because when she manages to take control & do what she thinks she needs to do to be wanted…all of us suffer for it…with guilt & pain & misery & disgust at letting people who only want our body use us when all we want is to be someone’s one & only…to make their life a better, brighter place for us being with them…being theirs.

I hate talking about things like this.  I have a huge headache now, my stomach is upset & sour, & I’m fighting not to cry because it hurts & is so damned scary to expose myself this way to anyone.  But after reading that blog post…I realized I needed to do this…to make it easier on myself & so next time I’m tempted to let someone control me or use me in a way that’s not good for me…I can come back here & remember how it feels & hopefully keep myself from doing it just because I’m alone & desperate & in pain.

Thanks again everyone for listening & *laughs a bit* feel free to comment or even email if you feel the need since I have my email in my about now.  Hugs to all & enjoy the rest of your weekend & your week ahead!

Uh oh more thoughts

The other day me & a friend of mine were talking about me & my personality & me being submissive, & how I seem to be all right being on my own. I know that’s a common thing with most submissives…especially those who are comfortable in their own skins.  Anyway…after we logged off of Skype, I got to thinking about what we’d been talking about right beforehand & I wanted to put my thoughts out there & see what other people think.

I have to wonder if maybe what I & many other people have thought was me being submissive was just another side of something much more primal & core to me.  When I’m in a relationship with someone, over my entire life, I have been very changeable.  If I really cared about someone or was very involved in the relationship, I would either consciously or subconsciously…sometimes both…change things about myself to either please them or suit the relationship.  And before, it was like giving up my own identity because I did it so completely since I didn’t really know who I was.

I have realized tho, in the 2 relationships I’ve had since I broke & had to put myself back together again, that I did do that with them as well but…didn’t lose myself in the process.  And because I do focus so much on pleasing the other person…to make them happy which makes me happy…it feels so much like being submissive.  But I’ve also realized in the last couple of years that my core personality has never quite finished growing up.  She’s the 1 that so very few people even know exist let alone meet or spend time with because the rest of us keep her so guarded.  She is our hopes & dreams & optimism & where our real heartfelt love for someone comes from.  She is the best of us which is why we have to keep her safe & protected.  She’s been broken once…that can’t happen again…we refuse to allow it.

Anyway…to get back to my point again *laughs* I can feel myself doing it again.  As I open myself up, I have felt things changing inside me…tho to be honest this time there’s been much less change, & the changes that are happening are probably for the best of all of us.  I am again having to deal with my feminine side…which anyone who knows me well knows is hidden or buried most of the time.  Tho now, I’m slowing learning or am able to use what I have learned over the last few years & am able to deal with it & even express myself articulately about how I feel.  And it’s as my feminine side opens up that the self questioning about me being submissive comes about.

I don’t know if it’s something that just is…which means I most likely am submissive…or if it’s something learned or that happens later in life in which case I’m not sure I am really submissive like I first thought.  Because it’s such a part of me…it’s how I’ve always been…so it’s hard to figure out which way it goes.  I just know that when I care about someone…anyone who is important to me…I give & change to make their lives better & that is what makes me happy.  I’m not being forced to or feel like I have to do it to keep them in my life…it’s just what I do because their happiness is my happiness.  Tho I’m starting to think when there’s real feelings there…there’s much less change needed because the feelings wouldn’t be there if I wasn’t close to whatever they needed & wanted to begin with.

Anyway…this is just something I’ve been thinking about lately so thanks everyone for being here & listening & hopefully will be posting more sooner rather than laters!  hugs to all of you.