What is different today than a year ago that you are grateful for?
The fact that even if I’ve only lost about 5 lbs in the last year, I can now actually walk short distances without wanting to die or pass out…no more than half a block or so but it’s more than I could do this time last year so I’m thrilled to tears to do it because at least now I can go out to eat with my kid & his girlfriend & not be too miserable to eat once I get into the restaurant. Oh & I can tie my shoes on the bus again yays!
Trying to figure out what to do next in my head & wanted to post a few things here to maybe help jog something in my head.
Picture intensive so going to put in a break so you don’t have to load them up without warning!
And no don’t be worried I just want to get this out of my system since there doesn’t seem to be anyone I can talk to about any of this anymore…I swear I’m not going to do anything crazy *laughs* anymore than usual that is.
I am….I don’t want to say depressed but…I am so upset & hurt & feeling useless & not needed & miserable & like I don’t matter & pain & rage…so much fucking rage & fear….I feel more of those than I do anything right now. I don’t want it to end & I don’t want it to be over & I don’t want to be numb I just want to feel something other than miserable & alone & afraid & useless & unneeded & the anger that all of those are causing. I’m trying so hard to change things but no matter what I do it just seems to make it worse so right now….I can’t feel anything but pain & sadness & hurt & fear & confusion & anger. I have never felt so unneeded & invisible & alone as I do right now & it sucks big ass. And yes my logical head knows it’s just feelings but that doesn’t make me FEEL them any less at all. Right now it’s like the freezing yet burning hole inside of me is just….sitting there…waiting to see what I’m going to decide to do about it & right now…I just don’t know….all I can do is talk about it & get it out there & hope that doing that helps at least a little cause lord knows I don’t want to eat my misery away like usual…which is why I’m doing this post…hoping it keeps me from eating my way to numbness like I have so many times before. Anyway….I think my rant is done & hopefully it will do some good. Sorry to dump this here after being so quiet but…I’m done trying to figure it out in my own head so gonna make use of this LOL.
Imagine this…me only posting to rant *laughs*. It’s been a very rough year so I’ve not posted much because even I get tired of reading the same old shit so since so little has changed, I’ve just been quiet. But now…I can’t keep quiet & hopefully this will help me just to write all of this down.
Years ago, when I got back onto SL I met this man that I ended up thinking was amazing. We were off & on a time or 2 but he was always 1 of my closest friends & meant a lot to me. That is until I found out he was lying to me the whole time, since I at 1 time did ask if he was married & he said no. So when I found out…I knew if I didn’t completely wipe him out of my life I’d go crawling back at a low point so I did just that. No explanations, nothing, just wiped his existence completely out of my life so I wouldn’t be an idiot.
I’ll admit, I was scarce on SL for a few months but then some friends convinced me to get back on there a little, if only to hang out with them. Tho wouldn’t you know, the shit was about to hit the fan in the most spectacular fashion in years…only rivaled my divorce & my ex from Germany. 1 of these friends, admitted that he felt more for me than just friends. Not love…he wasn’t that stupid since he was with someone at the time…but more than best buddies too. Well I decided to see where it went…without ever really going over the line of just friends because I did not want to be the other woman again & he knew it…had been told time & time again. Just see if there were feelings there & we’d see how things fell without getting in to deep. But of course, it wasn’t that easy because by late Nov of last year, some things were said on voice that shouldn’t have been said…even tho I had said before time & time again & had warned him that sometimes I had moron moments & to not let me do something stupid…well he let me do stupid things & then acted like he had no idea what he’d done wrong. I trusted him to keep me safe, & he didn’t even see that what had happened was so far past keeping me safe it wasn’t funny. So…again…I got to block 1 of the most important people in my life from my entire life. Again because of a betrayal of trust even if it wasn’t about cheating but just not keeping me away from the line he knew I’d stupidly cross & needed help staying away from.
Well after that fuck up, I stayed off of SL for about 7 or 8 months except for dealing with my breedables. But I started getting back on cause I thought I was ok enough & had my head on well enough to start dealing with people again. And I did so good for a while. But to make a long story short, I’m now in another mess because I’m an idiot. I don’t know how in the hell I got a big “I’m a slut please fuck me cause that’s all I’m good for” sign on my forehead but I sure seem to have 1. Because every single man I meet, no matter how it starts off, very quickly moves it to sex even when I say I’m not interested. All I want is to be valued & cared about & in a relationship with someone who likes me for me…not just what I can do with all my holes. Why the fuck is that so hard to understand & find?! It doesn’t matter where I meet them…it always happens. And more than I’d like to admit more happens & then I feel like such an idiot afterwards or like leftovers…both of which suck big ass. Why can’t someone want me because they care…not just because they wanna fuck me or think I’m a great fuck? *shakes her head* I just don’t understand it sometimes. So here I am now…balanced on that damned precipice & you know what…I’m damned tired of losing. I don’t want to lose any friends or would be friends, but I don’t wanna cheat myself either. I just want someone who feels for me like I feel for them.
Anyway…I think my rant here is done *laughs* so thanks for listening & maybe it’ll be a better reason I post next time! Hugs to all!
Why do people have to shit on you & everything you believe in? I know a lot of it is my fault for letting it bother me but sometimes things just get thru the chinks in my armor & make me feel like the most ignorant person on the planet. When you’re reduced to sitting in the bathroom at work crying cause you’ve been smacked 3 times in 1 day & just cannot hold it together any longer because I’ve not felt like the scared no esteem teenager I was so long ago in quite awhile…well it just sucks shit. And feeling like no 1 gives a shit just makes it worse. Anyway…rant over & thanks for listening.
I hope everyone has a good day today…whether it’s Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays or even just Friday, the beginning of the weekend (or even Saturday already in some parts of the world). Hope it’s a day full of love & hope & fun even if only for a moment because everyone needs at least a little of all 3 every day!
Thank you for everyone who has every liked or commented on my blog & know that someone out there cares & is thinking of you today no matter what day it is for you!
*sticks her head in* Hey everybody…sorry I’ve been away so long but maybe this post will help explain that at least a little bit. Real life has been a real pain lately…extremely demanding for various reasons. Most importantly…my own sanity. Some things happened earlier this year that…really threw my whole life for a loop. And when I get hurt like I did & have trouble trusting anyone as a result, it’s always been best for me to pull back from all but my family & closest friends while I figure out how to deal with how I’m feeling & get past it without hurting myself or anyone else or doing something really really stupid like I’m good at doing. I didn’t want to make a bad situation worse so I just kept to myself while I did my best to heal. Well in the middle of that, my computer died so I was without a computer for close to a month which made my hiding even easier to do. And then it was summer & we weren’t in school/working so I kind of just took the rest of the summer off to do nothing. And for the last month I’ve been working on getting back into the swing of things as well as keep working on my losing weight.
I know I’ve explained some of this in 1 of the last posts I made but I wanted to do it this way…make it feel like sort of an almost fresh beginning. Because here we are now. I’m at the moment just over 40 lbs under what I was at my highest…when I first realized I had so many physical problems that were much more than just side effects of being overweight. And I’m holding it…even if it’s just barely. And as for my head…I honestly am not sure even myself what’s going on in there…but maybe if I write a bit of it out, it might help me just a little bit so here I go. Also, as I said…this is a way to make a fresh start on this blog so what better way than to let everyone into my head a little bit.
I know that it’s not good to label people but…for me personally…it’s difficult to not be able to label myself. For me there is just something comforting about having a name to call myself…a way to categorize myself…& right now I’m most definitely missing that. I don’t know whether I’m a sub, a babygirl, a kitten, just shy & traditional, needy, high maintenance, too giving & trusting & open, an alpha bitch, or what exactly I am because I feel all of those things…some of the time. And even tho I feel like a young teenager/preteen in the deepest part of me…even she doesn’t feel like the way so many other people describe their littles because…she is me…everything else is just layered on top of her. The responsible adult me, the mom me, the horny slut me, the scared & clingy me, the alpha bitch me…they’re all part of me but also extensions of her because…I am that girl all the time tho she may get hidden or buried when rl makes it impossible for her to function & 1 of the others has to step up to the plate.
I also don’t know whether I’m ready for a relationship or not since I have so much difficulty meeting people to begin with. I won’t know until it’s too late & I’m in 1 & shouldn’t be but other than being lonely…right now I feel like I’m a decent headspace finally. Problem is…it’s coming at a price. Right now I’m damned no matter what I do so all I can do is just hope I do the best I can to not make a big mess of things. I feel safe, & secure, & calm…things I usually don’t feel but the source…I’m not sure it’s good for either of us to depend on each other like we do at this point. I know how I feel…that isn’t the point…the point is…such a good thing could get ruined so easily & that’s a very scary thing. Which is why I’m not sure if I should do something to stop that chance from happening & suffer there, or just blindly hope for the best…which never seems to happen for me. Coming out on the other side of what I did made me realize just how precious some things & people can be & the last thing I’d want to do is lose someone because I was impatient. So right now…I’m just hoping I get some kind of sign or something as to what to do.
Thanks everyone for listening & hope everyone is doing good in their own lives! Lots of hugs & kisses & hopefully will be posting more on here after my net get sorted out finally.
I am still here just…been a difficult few weeks for me in the real world. I’ve been dealing with the aftermath of a big change in my life, so have been alternating between thinking alot to try & figure out how to deal with it, fighting myself to not eat myself into a nice warm comfort zone, & avoiding thinking at all by watching WAY too many YouTube videos. *laughs*
I have felt very disgusted & disheartened lately, & it’s been very hard to deal with so I’ve withdrawn alot like I often do when I’m trying to work thru something. But I’ve come to the point where I’m not sure I can work thru this. I think this time…I’m not broken again but not sure I even want to get back out & open myself up to people again. I have been so disgusted with myself & how naive & trusting I can be that it’s made it super difficult to not eat myself into a comfort food coma. And I haven’t…at least not yet. Even feeling that way, I’ve managed to ride out a few ups & down of the scale & not freak out about it so I’m obviously doing something right there. Plus our oldest cat got super sick this week & had me pretty worried so that’s been another thing I’ve had to deal with as well as adjusting to being home with my kid all day everyday practically what with school being out & me not working.
I’m even doing some avoiding of some of my good friends cause I don’t wanna rain my grumpiness & moodiness all over them especially since they seem to be doing good right now. I also don’t want them to feel guilty for doing good when I feel like things are pretty pointless for me relationshipwise right now. I feel ok or good about everything else but right now…I’m not sure I’d recognize or even want him if the perfect man for me showed up right now. I’m pretty sure I’d tell him thanks but no thanks that I’m not interested & send him on his way even if he was perfect for me. Notice I’m saying for me…not perfect cause Lord knows I’d not want a perfect man.
I’ve also been thinking alot about whether I’m really submissive or just a shy, traditional type woman who is very much in touch with her inner child instead. Because times like these…I can’t stop the way I do or feel & no 1 should have to try to lead me thru this. I need comfort, not control when I’m like this & I can’t really concentrate on anyone but myself & my kid as I work my way thru my own head. It just wouldn’t feel right or fair to have a Daddy or Dominant right now because I just couldn’t be what they deserved when I’m like this. I need friends more than anything…friends who understand & don’t take personally when I’m quiet for a few days while I avoid then think about things. A relationship is the absolute last thing I need or want right now no matter how much I hate to be single.
Anyway, I guess count this as an update a day early & hugs to everyone who has stuck by me thru all of this. I’m gonna try doing at least random posts once or twice a week for a while till I feel like I can do more. So thanks again to all of you & hope the rest of your weekend is good.
Happy best friend’s day everybody!
Picture intensive so putting it behind a line here *laughs*
First TMI Tuesday for the Month of May.
1. How long have you been blogging? Just over 5 years since I got my congratulations for 5 years on WordPress about a week or so ago…but only for about 2 1/2 years on this blog.
2. Tell us about your pen name? Is it a pen name? It’s the nickname I wanted as a kid but never got it so I use it for my online name in many different places.
3. What is your blog about? Me & how things go on my way thru my life & others who make a difference in it for good or bad.
4. Do you earn any money with your blog? Nope.
5. What inspired you to blog? I thought it might be a good way to sort my thoughts out & make new friends.
6. What keeps you blogging? Because I enjoy it & enjoy chatting with the people I’ve met while doing it.
7. Do you have any advice for readers looking for love? Looking to get laid? Looking for a threesome? *laughs* Nope since I’m not good at any of the 3
8. Did you do your kegels today? When was the last time you did them? (Men: There is no evidence that kegels prevent erectile dysfunction. Source: WebMD ) Actually yes I did *laughs* thank you for asking…it helps once you’re in your 40s if not sooner.
Bonus: Do you have any special sexual gifts or talents or tricks? Tell us about it. I think some of them have been covered in the past on here so *laughs* anything else…hop over to my flickr page & leave me a message there *laughs*