Day 5 Gratitude Challenge

What is different today than a year ago that you are grateful for?

The fact that even if I’ve only lost about 5 lbs in the last year, I can now actually walk short distances without wanting to die or pass out…no more than half a block or so but it’s more than I could do this time last year so I’m thrilled to tears to do it because at least now I can go out to eat with my kid & his girlfriend & not be too miserable to eat once I get into the restaurant.  Oh & I can tie my shoes on the bus again yays!

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Day 4 Gratitude challenge

What accomplishments in your life have brought you the most happiness?

Probably being told that I raised a good kid, &/or told I did a good job with him & have a good kid.  Coming from someone who was told from 16 she’d never have kids without a lot of work & even that was iffy, so I never even thought about kids, that’s a huge compliment & makes all the doubts worth it.

1st day of a Gratitude Challenge

I figured I was doing 1 of these on facebook, but also want to do 1 here because I think the more I do it the better off I’ll be.  I know it’s a day late starting but meh…I can do 2 today to make up for it. *laughs*

What made you smile today?

That my kid’s girlfriend shoved him out of the way to hug me after I hugged him, saying it was her turn.  Something simple but gave me a good chuckle…especially the look on his face until he laughed about it too.

A big huge emotional rant

And no don’t be worried I just want to get this out of my system since there doesn’t seem to be anyone I can talk to about any of this anymore…I swear I’m not going to do anything crazy *laughs* anymore than usual that is.

I am….I don’t want to say depressed but…I am so upset & hurt & feeling useless & not needed & miserable & like I don’t matter & pain & rage…so much fucking rage & fear….I feel more of those than I do anything right now.  I don’t want it to end & I don’t want it to be over & I don’t want to be numb I just want to feel something other than miserable & alone & afraid & useless & unneeded & the anger that all of those are causing.  I’m trying so hard to change things but no matter what I do it just seems to make it worse so right now….I can’t feel anything but pain & sadness & hurt & fear & confusion & anger.  I have never felt so unneeded & invisible & alone as I do right now & it sucks big ass.  And yes my logical head knows it’s just feelings but that doesn’t make me FEEL them any less at all.  Right now it’s like the freezing yet burning hole inside of me is just….sitting there…waiting to see what I’m going to decide to do about it & right now…I just don’t know….all I can do is talk about it & get it out there & hope that doing that helps at least a little cause lord knows I don’t want to eat my misery away like usual…which is why I’m doing this post…hoping it keeps me from eating my way to numbness like I have so many times before.  Anyway….I think my rant is done & hopefully it will do some good.  Sorry to dump this here after being so quiet but…I’m done trying to figure it out in my own head so gonna make use of this LOL.

Wow it’s been a while

I hadn’t realized how long it’s been since I’ve posted till just now.  So thought I’d get on here & announce that *laughs* I am still around just been doing a bit more this summer than usual, & been on World of Warcraft a lot since Legion came out a few weeks ago.  And honestly just haven’t had much to talk about as I’ve just been kind of existing over the last few months more than anything else.  But summer was good overall & my weight hasn’t gone up so yays for that too.  Hope that everyone is doing good too since I’ve only commented a few times on the blogs I follow but promise I still read them.

As well as spending some time with my kid actually doing a couple of things this summer, as I said have been on WoW a lot…SecondLife not so much…& have been sort of playing with Snapchat & Dubsmash tho since I have like no friends on Snapchat haven’t really done much at all with it since *laughs* you can only take pictures for your own amusement so many times.  And right now am also trying to catch up on a few TV shows I got behind on before they start for the season or before I get too far behind on them for this season.    So thanks to everyone & hugs all around & will talk to everyone soon…sooner than the last time for sure I hope!

Why? Another rant

Why do people have to shit on you & everything you believe in?  I know a lot of it is my fault for letting it bother me but sometimes things just get thru the chinks in my armor & make me feel like the most ignorant person on the planet.  When you’re reduced to sitting in the bathroom at work crying cause you’ve been smacked 3 times in 1 day & just cannot hold it together any longer because I’ve not felt like the scared no esteem teenager I was so long ago in quite awhile…well it just sucks shit.  And feeling like no 1 gives a shit just makes it worse.  Anyway…rant over & thanks for listening.

Well hey there!

*sticks her head in* Hey everybody…sorry I’ve been away so long but maybe this post will help explain that at least a little bit.  Real life has been a real pain lately…extremely demanding for various reasons.  Most importantly…my own sanity.  Some things happened earlier this year that…really threw my whole life for a loop.  And when I get hurt like I did & have trouble trusting anyone as a result, it’s always been best for me to pull back from all but my family & closest friends while I figure out how to deal with how I’m feeling & get past it without hurting myself or anyone else or doing something really really stupid like I’m good at doing.  I didn’t want to make a bad situation worse so I just kept to myself while I did my best to heal.  Well in the middle of that, my computer died so I was without a computer for close to a month which made my hiding even easier to do.  And then it was summer & we weren’t in school/working so I kind of just took the rest of the summer off to do nothing.  And for the last month I’ve been working on getting back into the swing of things as well as keep working on my losing weight.

I know I’ve explained some of this in 1 of the last posts I made but I wanted to do it this way…make it feel like sort of an almost fresh beginning.  Because here we are now.  I’m at the moment just over 40 lbs under what I was at my highest…when I first realized I had so many physical problems that were much more than just side effects of being overweight.  And I’m holding it…even if it’s just barely.  And as for my head…I honestly am not sure even myself what’s going on in there…but maybe if I write a bit of it out, it might help me just a little bit so here I go.  Also, as I said…this is a way to make a fresh start on this blog so what better way than to let everyone into my head a little bit.

I know that it’s not good to label people but…for me personally…it’s difficult to not be able to label myself.  For me there is just something comforting about having a name to call myself…a way to categorize myself…& right now I’m most definitely missing that.  I don’t know whether I’m a sub, a babygirl, a kitten, just shy & traditional, needy, high maintenance, too giving & trusting & open, an alpha bitch, or what exactly I am because I feel all of those things…some of the time.  And even tho I feel like a young teenager/preteen in the deepest part of me…even she doesn’t feel like the way so many other people describe their littles because…she is me…everything else is just layered on top of her.  The responsible adult me, the mom me, the horny slut me, the scared & clingy me, the alpha bitch me…they’re all part of me but also extensions of her because…I am that girl all the time tho she may get hidden or buried when rl makes it impossible for her to function & 1 of the others has to step up to the plate.

I also don’t know whether I’m ready for a relationship or not since I have so much difficulty meeting people to begin with.  I won’t know until it’s too late & I’m in 1 & shouldn’t be but other than being lonely…right now I feel like I’m a decent headspace finally.  Problem is…it’s coming at a price.  Right now I’m damned no matter what I do so all I can do is just hope I do the best I can to not make a big mess of things.  I feel safe, & secure, & calm…things I usually don’t feel but the source…I’m not sure it’s good for either of us to depend on each other like we do at this point.  I know how I feel…that isn’t the point…the point is…such a good thing could get ruined so easily & that’s a very scary thing.  Which is why I’m not sure if I should do something to stop that chance from happening & suffer there, or just blindly hope for the best…which never seems to happen for me.  Coming out on the other side of what I did made me realize just how precious some things & people can be & the last thing I’d want to do is lose someone because I was impatient.  So right now…I’m just hoping I get some kind of sign or something as to what to do.

Thanks everyone for listening & hope everyone is doing good in their own lives!  Lots of hugs & kisses & hopefully will be posting more on here after my net get sorted out finally.

 

Random post out of nowhere

I just had a few thoughts I wanted to put down on here so I could come back & look at them later.

Firstly, I just stood up from my desk chair to get something from the kitchen & had made it 3 steps before realizing I’d stretched & then walked straight on in there instead of stretching then having to sit back down for a few seconds like I normally did.  I like that idea because it is a very obvious sign of improvement so yays!

Secondly, Mother’s Day morning in fact, I realized I’m only 8 years younger than my mom was when she died.  I’d never stopped to think about it but…her being dead for 18 years last month…that was just kind of a big surprise.  And another reason for me to keep working on my weight & getting better so I don’t end up in the same miserable boat she did.

Thirdly, it’s been a rough few days missing Duncan.  I know it’s been almost 8 months since he was put to sleep but for some reason the last week or 2 has been worse than it’s been since before Christmas.  I miss him & wish he could’ve made it to his 20th birthday back in March but he’ll always be my furbaby wherever he may be & I hope he remembers me half as good as I remember him.