Wow…it’s been a while

I hadn’t realized how long it had been since I was on here & I do want to say I am sorry.  I’ve been working thru things in my head…concentrating super hard on sticking to the weight loss that everything else has kind of fallen to the wayside.  But I am still here & hopefully will be doing more as it gets prettier out & I get in a better place to do more so hugs everyone & have a good rest of the week & a good weekend as well!  And here’s some thoughts that’ve helped me a lot in the last few weeks so wanted to share them. *smiles*

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Why? Another rant

Why do people have to shit on you & everything you believe in?  I know a lot of it is my fault for letting it bother me but sometimes things just get thru the chinks in my armor & make me feel like the most ignorant person on the planet.  When you’re reduced to sitting in the bathroom at work crying cause you’ve been smacked 3 times in 1 day & just cannot hold it together any longer because I’ve not felt like the scared no esteem teenager I was so long ago in quite awhile…well it just sucks shit.  And feeling like no 1 gives a shit just makes it worse.  Anyway…rant over & thanks for listening.

Yays random!

Just sitting here listening to music…ranging from One Direction to AC/DC to Beethoven & now Tainted love *laughs*…& was thinking.  I really truly do believe in love, & that makes everything so much more confusing because even tho I really do believe in it, every time I think I might have found out I get gut punched.  I know everyone has those issues, but it’s still crap.  There should be a clearer, easier way to tell, if only to save so much pain & heartbreak.  I try telling myself that since I’ve gone thru so many tries that when I do find it it’ll be awesome & amazing even if I have to work my ass off to keep it, but lately…it has been so hard to hold on to at least a tiny bit of hope since I’ve lost most of it.  I’m so tired of the liars & cheaters & even worse the ones who love you for what you can give them & how they make you feel instead of what & who you really are, or the ones who don’t necessarily lie but hold back on things…big things…they know would make all the difference in the relationship…for the good or the bad.  I’m tired of fake people & shallow people & selfish people & people who act like their selfless but can’t think beyond themselves…I’m just so tired of so much of it.  As I told a friend the other day, I’m as low as I can get because for me, self harm (except my emotional eating) has never even been an issue or question because that is never been something I’ve wanted to do or felt like I had to do to make myself better, but right now…I’m not much above that I’ll admit.  Most of the time it’s like being in a dark, damp, misty forest where the mist is so think it’s like a blanket & all I want to do is hide there forever.  But I’ve been concentrating on my weight & eating so hoping that will pull me out some since my normal standby just isn’t going to happen…every time I try to write all I can do is stare at the blank page & hate whatever’s giving me such terrible writer’s block.

Anyway, just needed to vent & rant again so huggies to all & thanks for your support even if it’s just as a like or comment or visiting & reading & hope you have an awesome weekend!

Workout motivator? *giggles*

I was looking on my SparkPeople page this morning & found this & *laughs* had to share.  Cause I know even if it’s camera tricks & people tricks, it made me giggle so of course I had to share!

Hugs to all & hope you’re having a great weekend…& a special thanks to those who commented on my rant a couple of weeks back…it meant the world to me!

Random rant about me & weight loss

I just had to get this out of my system & knew if I put it here, it’d do the most good.

My question is…what kind of fucking person has to pull over on the side of the road & cry because she has to eat home cooked food, instead of being able to get pizza & hot wings?  I think I’ve hit rock bottom & I’m not sure how the hell to get past it because right now…all the trying & effort & monitoring what I eat & trying to exercise…it just makes me more & more depressed every single time I have to do it.  I mean when  a big portion of your brain would rather just not eat since it can’t have what it wants…even tho it knows how bad what it wants is…how the hell do you get past that or work with it?  I’m tired of the frustration & disgust & irritation & some days just want to face dive into every bad thing I can think of & say fuck it all at least I’ll die happy…even tho I know I won’t because I’ll be physically miserable.  But this way I’m mentally & emotionally worn down & miserable so I’m damned if I do & damned if I don’t.  I’m either disgusted & hate everything, or physically miserable because I hurt & can’t breathe & can’t move.

Anyway…I think I’m done so thanks for listening anyone who bothers to read this & hugs to all of you for sticking with me thru everything.

For the new year…

I hope everyone survived the holidays without too much trouble if not actually enjoyed them.  And I hope this year is bigger & better & brighter than the last for each & every one of you.

For me, I don’t make actual resolutions but…I am going to try to change & keep working on some things this year so am going to make a list…that way I can come back & reread it whenever I find it difficult to keep doing these things.

  1. watching what I eat even better than I have been.  I have been able to keep my weight at around 370 give or take all year so I haven’t gained any but haven’t lost any either so going to do what I can to work on that.  Especially since because before Christmas break, I felt better than I have in a few years & I don’t want to lose that ground I’ve finally gained.
  2. Keep remembering that I deserve better & I don’t have to make myself uncomfortable or do things I’m not entirely happy with to keep someone in my life & happy with me.  I am not that kind of woman & I will not become that kind of woman & that’s all there is to it.  I am a lot of things & have done a lot of things but when it doesn’t feel right anymore…I will pay attention to that feeling & not ignore it or try to talk myself out of it because I…am better than that & I damn well know it.
  3. I will exercise & move more.  As I said I was feeling better physically & I do not want to lose that.  I’ve struggled too long & hard to let it go now
  4. spend at least an hour or 2 a week trying to write since I have this huge behemoth of a story that I need to finish & am just going to have to force myself to do just that
  5. eat more fruits & veggies!!  And that includes potatoes only if I cook them myself *laughs* chips don’t count even tho I wish they did.  And drink at least 2 bottles of water a day on top of everything else.
  6. Will cook a new dish at least once every 2 weeks.
  7. try to post at least once a week here even if it’s only a hi, how ya doing kind of thing.  I’ve sucked a lot at posting on here & I’m sorry for that & very grateful for everyone who has stuck by & am going to do my best to do better.

I think that’s about it for now…will add more if I need to as I go along so hugs to everyone & hope that they have a good rest of the weekend & a good week this coming week!

My Wishes to all of you

I hope everyone has a good day today…whether it’s Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays or even just Friday, the beginning of the weekend (or even Saturday already in some parts of the world).  Hope it’s a day full of love & hope & fun even if only for a moment because everyone needs at least a little of all 3 every day!

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Thank you for everyone who has every liked or commented on my blog & know that someone out there cares & is thinking of you today no matter what day it is for you!

2 posts in 2 days!

I know…it’s scary isn’t it? *laughs*  But I just read a post on someone else’s blog that made me think about a lot of the things I’ve had running thru my head, & decided that this wasn’t something I needed to put on the password only blog but deserved to be shared here since so many of you have been going thru this with me…some almost since the very beginning.

I have finally…I think…decided what’s best for me.  Which has led to a few decisions on rules or guidelines or whatever you want to call it I need to follow for the next little while in my life.  Firstly…I need to come first…or at least me & my family does.  That means parts of me are going to be annoyed because they’re going to be cut off & other parts of me are going to have to learn how to deal with things whether they want to or not.  There will be no more pushing emotionally charged or upsetting things off to the side or letting the slut side help hide those hurtful or scary or big feelings anymore.  Sexual & physical intimacy & my extreme submissive almost slave side…are not there to keep myself from feeling the scary big feelings…they should help deal with those feelings.  And that can’t happen with just anyone who talks a smooth line to get in my pants.  I need to keep that side of me locked up until I’m with someone…someone who loves me & understands me & can be there for me & is more interested in my emotional & mental well being than getting into my pants or controlling me.  Because that slut side as I call her…she’s scarey enough herself since it’s just as much my slave/primal/animalistic/instinctual part as my slut.  She’s the 1 who does & reacts…& does not think.  So I need to be with someone I can trust with my heart & soul & mind…all of me…& that can’t come without a relationship &/or commitment & a lot of time.

That side of me is the scariest part of me…much scarier than my little side.  She is where my need comes from & I’ll admit…there is a lot of need in her.  To be needed & protected & to trust in someone so completely that she can do anything she thinks or feels without fear of losing them or scaring them away or being too clingy.  I thought for the longest time that the need to be someone’s…to be adored & worshipped & needed & protected & guided was the little part…but I’m starting to think it’s not.  She is love & innocence & trust & precious…so many of the things I thought were here are much more naked & basic feelings & needs.  I have though so long they were at opposite ends…my slut & my princess…but now I think they’re more 2 sides of the same part than I ever could’ve imagined.  Instead of the slut protecting the princess…I’m starting to think it’s been the other way around.  Which means I have to protect the slut from herself because when she manages to take control & do what she thinks she needs to do to be wanted…all of us suffer for it…with guilt & pain & misery & disgust at letting people who only want our body use us when all we want is to be someone’s one & only…to make their life a better, brighter place for us being with them…being theirs.

I hate talking about things like this.  I have a huge headache now, my stomach is upset & sour, & I’m fighting not to cry because it hurts & is so damned scary to expose myself this way to anyone.  But after reading that blog post…I realized I needed to do this…to make it easier on myself & so next time I’m tempted to let someone control me or use me in a way that’s not good for me…I can come back here & remember how it feels & hopefully keep myself from doing it just because I’m alone & desperate & in pain.

Thanks again everyone for listening & *laughs a bit* feel free to comment or even email if you feel the need since I have my email in my about now.  Hugs to all & enjoy the rest of your weekend & your week ahead!

I just had to hahahaha

for all of us who have a little princess or girlie girl in them *laughs*…

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a unicorn farting rainbows courtesy of a screencap made from my favorite show…Supernatural. *laughs*

On another note…have started another blog…sort of a ranting get my feelings out kind of thing that’s more personal than this will be most likely & would love for anyone who’s interested to read it.  I have it passworded but I know quite a few of you from either rl or your own blogs & have added my email at the bottom of both my about & crash course about this blog pages so if you’d like it…I’d be glad to share it with anyone who wants it.  *smiles* Thanks for all the support & everything & will as always try to do better at posting!  Huggies & have a great weekend!

Edit: *laughs & blushes* just realized I forgot to link the site…SafePlaceforG