A rant about sex & relationships

Imagine this…me only posting to rant *laughs*.  It’s been a very rough year so I’ve not posted much because even I get tired of reading the same old shit so since so little has changed, I’ve just been quiet.  But now…I can’t keep quiet & hopefully this will help me just to write all of this down.

Years ago, when I got back onto SL I met this man that I ended up thinking was amazing.  We were off & on a time or 2 but he was always 1 of my closest friends & meant a lot to me.  That is until I found out he was lying to me the whole time, since I at 1 time did ask if he was married & he said no.  So when I found out…I knew if I didn’t completely wipe him out of my life I’d go crawling back at a low point so I did just that.  No explanations, nothing, just wiped his existence completely out of my life so I wouldn’t be an idiot.

I’ll admit, I was scarce on SL for a few months but then some friends convinced me to get back on there a little, if only to hang out with them.  Tho wouldn’t you know, the shit was about to hit the fan in the most spectacular fashion in years…only rivaled my divorce & my ex from Germany.  1 of these friends, admitted that he felt more for me than just friends.  Not love…he wasn’t that stupid since he was with someone at the time…but more than best buddies too.  Well I decided to see where it went…without ever really going over the line of just friends because I did not want to be the other woman again & he knew it…had been told time & time again.  Just see if there were feelings there & we’d see how things fell without getting in to deep.  But of course, it wasn’t that easy because by late Nov of last year, some things were said on voice that shouldn’t have been said…even tho I had said before time & time again & had warned him that sometimes I had moron moments & to not let me do something stupid…well he let me do stupid things & then acted like he had no idea what he’d done wrong.  I trusted him to keep me safe, & he didn’t even see that what had happened was so far past keeping me safe it wasn’t funny.  So…again…I got to block 1 of the most important people in my life from my entire life.  Again because of a betrayal of trust even if it wasn’t about cheating but just not keeping me away from the line he knew I’d stupidly cross & needed help staying away from.

Well after that fuck up, I stayed off of SL for about 7 or 8 months except for dealing with my breedables.  But I started getting back on cause I thought I was ok enough & had my head on well enough to start dealing with people again.  And I did so good for a while.  But to make a long story short, I’m now in another mess because I’m an idiot.  I don’t know how in the hell I got a big “I’m a slut please fuck me cause that’s all I’m good for” sign on my forehead but I sure seem to have 1.  Because every single man I meet, no matter how it starts off, very quickly moves it to sex even when I say I’m not interested.  All I want is to be valued & cared about & in a relationship with someone who likes me for me…not just what I can do with all my holes.  Why the fuck is that so hard to understand & find?!  It doesn’t matter where I meet them…it always happens.  And more than I’d like to admit more happens & then I feel like such an idiot afterwards or like leftovers…both of which suck big ass.  Why can’t someone want me because they care…not just because they wanna fuck me or think I’m a great fuck?  *shakes her head* I just don’t understand it sometimes.  So here I am now…balanced on that damned precipice & you know what…I’m damned tired of losing.  I don’t want to lose any friends or would be friends, but I don’t wanna cheat myself either.  I just want someone who feels for me like I feel for them.

Anyway…I think my rant here is done *laughs* so thanks for listening & maybe it’ll be a better reason I post next time!  Hugs to all!

Yays random!

Just sitting here listening to music…ranging from One Direction to AC/DC to Beethoven & now Tainted love *laughs*…& was thinking.  I really truly do believe in love, & that makes everything so much more confusing because even tho I really do believe in it, every time I think I might have found out I get gut punched.  I know everyone has those issues, but it’s still crap.  There should be a clearer, easier way to tell, if only to save so much pain & heartbreak.  I try telling myself that since I’ve gone thru so many tries that when I do find it it’ll be awesome & amazing even if I have to work my ass off to keep it, but lately…it has been so hard to hold on to at least a tiny bit of hope since I’ve lost most of it.  I’m so tired of the liars & cheaters & even worse the ones who love you for what you can give them & how they make you feel instead of what & who you really are, or the ones who don’t necessarily lie but hold back on things…big things…they know would make all the difference in the relationship…for the good or the bad.  I’m tired of fake people & shallow people & selfish people & people who act like their selfless but can’t think beyond themselves…I’m just so tired of so much of it.  As I told a friend the other day, I’m as low as I can get because for me, self harm (except my emotional eating) has never even been an issue or question because that is never been something I’ve wanted to do or felt like I had to do to make myself better, but right now…I’m not much above that I’ll admit.  Most of the time it’s like being in a dark, damp, misty forest where the mist is so think it’s like a blanket & all I want to do is hide there forever.  But I’ve been concentrating on my weight & eating so hoping that will pull me out some since my normal standby just isn’t going to happen…every time I try to write all I can do is stare at the blank page & hate whatever’s giving me such terrible writer’s block.

Anyway, just needed to vent & rant again so huggies to all & thanks for your support even if it’s just as a like or comment or visiting & reading & hope you have an awesome weekend!