Why do people have to shit on you & everything you believe in? I know a lot of it is my fault for letting it bother me but sometimes things just get thru the chinks in my armor & make me feel like the most ignorant person on the planet. When you’re reduced to sitting in the bathroom at work crying cause you’ve been smacked 3 times in 1 day & just cannot hold it together any longer because I’ve not felt like the scared no esteem teenager I was so long ago in quite awhile…well it just sucks shit. And feeling like no 1 gives a shit just makes it worse. Anyway…rant over & thanks for listening.
Just sitting here listening to music…ranging from One Direction to AC/DC to Beethoven & now Tainted love *laughs*…& was thinking. I really truly do believe in love, & that makes everything so much more confusing because even tho I really do believe in it, every time I think I might have found out I get gut punched. I know everyone has those issues, but it’s still crap. There should be a clearer, easier way to tell, if only to save so much pain & heartbreak. I try telling myself that since I’ve gone thru so many tries that when I do find it it’ll be awesome & amazing even if I have to work my ass off to keep it, but lately…it has been so hard to hold on to at least a tiny bit of hope since I’ve lost most of it. I’m so tired of the liars & cheaters & even worse the ones who love you for what you can give them & how they make you feel instead of what & who you really are, or the ones who don’t necessarily lie but hold back on things…big things…they know would make all the difference in the relationship…for the good or the bad. I’m tired of fake people & shallow people & selfish people & people who act like their selfless but can’t think beyond themselves…I’m just so tired of so much of it. As I told a friend the other day, I’m as low as I can get because for me, self harm (except my emotional eating) has never even been an issue or question because that is never been something I’ve wanted to do or felt like I had to do to make myself better, but right now…I’m not much above that I’ll admit. Most of the time it’s like being in a dark, damp, misty forest where the mist is so think it’s like a blanket & all I want to do is hide there forever. But I’ve been concentrating on my weight & eating so hoping that will pull me out some since my normal standby just isn’t going to happen…every time I try to write all I can do is stare at the blank page & hate whatever’s giving me such terrible writer’s block.
Anyway, just needed to vent & rant again so huggies to all & thanks for your support even if it’s just as a like or comment or visiting & reading & hope you have an awesome weekend!
I was looking on my SparkPeople page this morning & found this & *laughs* had to share. Cause I know even if it’s camera tricks & people tricks, it made me giggle so of course I had to share!
Hugs to all & hope you’re having a great weekend…& a special thanks to those who commented on my rant a couple of weeks back…it meant the world to me!