I just had to get this out of my system & knew if I put it here, it’d do the most good.
My question is…what kind of fucking person has to pull over on the side of the road & cry because she has to eat home cooked food, instead of being able to get pizza & hot wings? I think I’ve hit rock bottom & I’m not sure how the hell to get past it because right now…all the trying & effort & monitoring what I eat & trying to exercise…it just makes me more & more depressed every single time I have to do it. I mean when a big portion of your brain would rather just not eat since it can’t have what it wants…even tho it knows how bad what it wants is…how the hell do you get past that or work with it? I’m tired of the frustration & disgust & irritation & some days just want to face dive into every bad thing I can think of & say fuck it all at least I’ll die happy…even tho I know I won’t because I’ll be physically miserable. But this way I’m mentally & emotionally worn down & miserable so I’m damned if I do & damned if I don’t. I’m either disgusted & hate everything, or physically miserable because I hurt & can’t breathe & can’t move.
Anyway…I think I’m done so thanks for listening anyone who bothers to read this & hugs to all of you for sticking with me thru everything.