This song…

I have had it stuck in my head since I first chanced upon the video the other day on YouTube.  I liked the original as both my mom & dad listened to it quite often when I was younger but this…this is awesome.

Advertisements

Random rant about me & weight loss

I just had to get this out of my system & knew if I put it here, it’d do the most good.

My question is…what kind of fucking person has to pull over on the side of the road & cry because she has to eat home cooked food, instead of being able to get pizza & hot wings?  I think I’ve hit rock bottom & I’m not sure how the hell to get past it because right now…all the trying & effort & monitoring what I eat & trying to exercise…it just makes me more & more depressed every single time I have to do it.  I mean when  a big portion of your brain would rather just not eat since it can’t have what it wants…even tho it knows how bad what it wants is…how the hell do you get past that or work with it?  I’m tired of the frustration & disgust & irritation & some days just want to face dive into every bad thing I can think of & say fuck it all at least I’ll die happy…even tho I know I won’t because I’ll be physically miserable.  But this way I’m mentally & emotionally worn down & miserable so I’m damned if I do & damned if I don’t.  I’m either disgusted & hate everything, or physically miserable because I hurt & can’t breathe & can’t move.

Anyway…I think I’m done so thanks for listening anyone who bothers to read this & hugs to all of you for sticking with me thru everything.

For the new year…

I hope everyone survived the holidays without too much trouble if not actually enjoyed them.  And I hope this year is bigger & better & brighter than the last for each & every one of you.

For me, I don’t make actual resolutions but…I am going to try to change & keep working on some things this year so am going to make a list…that way I can come back & reread it whenever I find it difficult to keep doing these things.

  1. watching what I eat even better than I have been.  I have been able to keep my weight at around 370 give or take all year so I haven’t gained any but haven’t lost any either so going to do what I can to work on that.  Especially since because before Christmas break, I felt better than I have in a few years & I don’t want to lose that ground I’ve finally gained.
  2. Keep remembering that I deserve better & I don’t have to make myself uncomfortable or do things I’m not entirely happy with to keep someone in my life & happy with me.  I am not that kind of woman & I will not become that kind of woman & that’s all there is to it.  I am a lot of things & have done a lot of things but when it doesn’t feel right anymore…I will pay attention to that feeling & not ignore it or try to talk myself out of it because I…am better than that & I damn well know it.
  3. I will exercise & move more.  As I said I was feeling better physically & I do not want to lose that.  I’ve struggled too long & hard to let it go now
  4. spend at least an hour or 2 a week trying to write since I have this huge behemoth of a story that I need to finish & am just going to have to force myself to do just that
  5. eat more fruits & veggies!!  And that includes potatoes only if I cook them myself *laughs* chips don’t count even tho I wish they did.  And drink at least 2 bottles of water a day on top of everything else.
  6. Will cook a new dish at least once every 2 weeks.
  7. try to post at least once a week here even if it’s only a hi, how ya doing kind of thing.  I’ve sucked a lot at posting on here & I’m sorry for that & very grateful for everyone who has stuck by & am going to do my best to do better.

I think that’s about it for now…will add more if I need to as I go along so hugs to everyone & hope that they have a good rest of the weekend & a good week this coming week!