I know…it’s scary isn’t it? *laughs* But I just read a post on someone else’s blog that made me think about a lot of the things I’ve had running thru my head, & decided that this wasn’t something I needed to put on the password only blog but deserved to be shared here since so many of you have been going thru this with me…some almost since the very beginning.
I have finally…I think…decided what’s best for me. Which has led to a few decisions on rules or guidelines or whatever you want to call it I need to follow for the next little while in my life. Firstly…I need to come first…or at least me & my family does. That means parts of me are going to be annoyed because they’re going to be cut off & other parts of me are going to have to learn how to deal with things whether they want to or not. There will be no more pushing emotionally charged or upsetting things off to the side or letting the slut side help hide those hurtful or scary or big feelings anymore. Sexual & physical intimacy & my extreme submissive almost slave side…are not there to keep myself from feeling the scary big feelings…they should help deal with those feelings. And that can’t happen with just anyone who talks a smooth line to get in my pants. I need to keep that side of me locked up until I’m with someone…someone who loves me & understands me & can be there for me & is more interested in my emotional & mental well being than getting into my pants or controlling me. Because that slut side as I call her…she’s scarey enough herself since it’s just as much my slave/primal/animalistic/instinctual part as my slut. She’s the 1 who does & reacts…& does not think. So I need to be with someone I can trust with my heart & soul & mind…all of me…& that can’t come without a relationship &/or commitment & a lot of time.
That side of me is the scariest part of me…much scarier than my little side. She is where my need comes from & I’ll admit…there is a lot of need in her. To be needed & protected & to trust in someone so completely that she can do anything she thinks or feels without fear of losing them or scaring them away or being too clingy. I thought for the longest time that the need to be someone’s…to be adored & worshipped & needed & protected & guided was the little part…but I’m starting to think it’s not. She is love & innocence & trust & precious…so many of the things I thought were here are much more naked & basic feelings & needs. I have though so long they were at opposite ends…my slut & my princess…but now I think they’re more 2 sides of the same part than I ever could’ve imagined. Instead of the slut protecting the princess…I’m starting to think it’s been the other way around. Which means I have to protect the slut from herself because when she manages to take control & do what she thinks she needs to do to be wanted…all of us suffer for it…with guilt & pain & misery & disgust at letting people who only want our body use us when all we want is to be someone’s one & only…to make their life a better, brighter place for us being with them…being theirs.
I hate talking about things like this. I have a huge headache now, my stomach is upset & sour, & I’m fighting not to cry because it hurts & is so damned scary to expose myself this way to anyone. But after reading that blog post…I realized I needed to do this…to make it easier on myself & so next time I’m tempted to let someone control me or use me in a way that’s not good for me…I can come back here & remember how it feels & hopefully keep myself from doing it just because I’m alone & desperate & in pain.
Thanks again everyone for listening & *laughs a bit* feel free to comment or even email if you feel the need since I have my email in my about now. Hugs to all & enjoy the rest of your weekend & your week ahead!