The other day me & a friend of mine were talking about me & my personality & me being submissive, & how I seem to be all right being on my own. I know that’s a common thing with most submissives…especially those who are comfortable in their own skins. Anyway…after we logged off of Skype, I got to thinking about what we’d been talking about right beforehand & I wanted to put my thoughts out there & see what other people think.
I have to wonder if maybe what I & many other people have thought was me being submissive was just another side of something much more primal & core to me. When I’m in a relationship with someone, over my entire life, I have been very changeable. If I really cared about someone or was very involved in the relationship, I would either consciously or subconsciously…sometimes both…change things about myself to either please them or suit the relationship. And before, it was like giving up my own identity because I did it so completely since I didn’t really know who I was.
I have realized tho, in the 2 relationships I’ve had since I broke & had to put myself back together again, that I did do that with them as well but…didn’t lose myself in the process. And because I do focus so much on pleasing the other person…to make them happy which makes me happy…it feels so much like being submissive. But I’ve also realized in the last couple of years that my core personality has never quite finished growing up. She’s the 1 that so very few people even know exist let alone meet or spend time with because the rest of us keep her so guarded. She is our hopes & dreams & optimism & where our real heartfelt love for someone comes from. She is the best of us which is why we have to keep her safe & protected. She’s been broken once…that can’t happen again…we refuse to allow it.
Anyway…to get back to my point again *laughs* I can feel myself doing it again. As I open myself up, I have felt things changing inside me…tho to be honest this time there’s been much less change, & the changes that are happening are probably for the best of all of us. I am again having to deal with my feminine side…which anyone who knows me well knows is hidden or buried most of the time. Tho now, I’m slowing learning or am able to use what I have learned over the last few years & am able to deal with it & even express myself articulately about how I feel. And it’s as my feminine side opens up that the self questioning about me being submissive comes about.
I don’t know if it’s something that just is…which means I most likely am submissive…or if it’s something learned or that happens later in life in which case I’m not sure I am really submissive like I first thought. Because it’s such a part of me…it’s how I’ve always been…so it’s hard to figure out which way it goes. I just know that when I care about someone…anyone who is important to me…I give & change to make their lives better & that is what makes me happy. I’m not being forced to or feel like I have to do it to keep them in my life…it’s just what I do because their happiness is my happiness. Tho I’m starting to think when there’s real feelings there…there’s much less change needed because the feelings wouldn’t be there if I wasn’t close to whatever they needed & wanted to begin with.
Anyway…this is just something I’ve been thinking about lately so thanks everyone for being here & listening & hopefully will be posting more sooner rather than laters! hugs to all of you.