I’ve had some things going thru my head off & on over the last few days & have finally decided that I need to write it down to see if it makes any kind of sense.
I know what I want & am sure it’s right. Problem is….there are so many variables between here & there that…as happy & content as I am most of the time, there are times when it seems so damned impossible I just want to cry. I have so many things I want & don’t get me wrong I’m grateful but…there’s just times when…the realist gets in the way & points out how low the chances are it’ll ever come to fruition. I know I just need to have patience but oftentimes that’s easier said than done especially when feelings or emotions are concerned. It’s not about being treated badly or being lied to or used because lord knows that is definitely not happening. This is me…in my head & heart & mind. I want so much…hell feel so damned much &…it scares me so much to feel like this especially given how my life is right now.
And now…to make things even more frightening, I’ve gotten to where I’ve crossed my own personal line too much for comfort. I honestly don’t regret it a bit but…I don’t like the way it makes me see myself sometimes, either. Because losing control like that…it feels so delicious & amazing & awesome that it’s almost addictive….but it’s not how I wanted things to be right now either. I’ve done things so good…am so proud at how well I’ve handled myself over the last few months…but right now…if things keep happening like they have been, I’m afraid I’m not going to be happy with myself & that’s the last thing I want because dammit as I said…my life right now is right…I don’t want my own stupidity to screw it up so I have to figure out what to do. I don’t want any regrets…haven’t had any so far & want to keep it that way so…*shakes her head* I’ve just got to figure out what to do. I’ve seen where the way things are heading in my life lead & I don’t want to do that again to anyone I care about in my life so I have to deal with it now before it gets to the point where it all goes bad.
I know what I want…my version of the fairytale. To fall in love & be loved back, & to be able to be with him the way we should be, & eventually married. Which means I have to do it right so…*sighs* as much as it pains me I’m afraid I’m gonna have to rebuild my walls just a bit…just enough to keep from messing things up by doing things I know I’m not really ready for.
Thanks to all of you for listening & hope you all have an awesome weekend!