Just something that I’ve been thinking about lately…

I’ve been doing some more thinking this week *laughs* scary I know but there it is.  And I’ve come up with a few things I kind of want to talk about.

First of….how do you know whether you’re dependent on someone, or if it’s really love?  That question is hard to answer because there’s some many different types of love & even more, each person has their own version of what love feels or is.  For me…it’s caring about someone no matter what…as unconditionally as you can love another person & wanting them to be happy just to know they’re happy, not because you’re going to get something out of it.  I mean that’s the bare basics but…love is about giving & doing your best to make the 1 you love feel happy & loved & cared about & adored & valued.  If you can give that to another person, chances are you’ll find the same without even trying to find it because that kind of love…not friends, not lust, not family but love between 2 people…you never know when it’s going to hit or with who or how.  All we can do is hope we are able to recognize it before we lose it.

On the flipside, dependence is more out of fear…fear of being left, of being alone, or is more out of what you can get from someone else.  It’s more about you than them & in love…they are equally important…with dependence they’re not.

when do you know it’s love & not still that first hot blush of a new relationship?  This 1 I’m not so sure about but….for me…I think if you just want to be with them or feel them.  When snuggling or just holding hands or being held, is as important or more important than getting them into the sack.  When just being close to them or with them is better than anything else.  I’m not saying even then you won’t want sex because well yeah der if it’s a good relationship that should definitely be there but…it won’t be the only way to show affection like it can often be early on.  When the flirting itself is as good or better than where it will eventually get you.

For me…all I can do is hope that the person I love will be able to tell I do even when I don’t say it…since hopefully I show them every time I’m with them & even when I’m not just how much they mean to me & how special they are & that I will be there for them even when it’s painful & difficult because…isn’t that what love is?

 

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Well hey there!

*sticks her head in* Hey everybody…sorry I’ve been away so long but maybe this post will help explain that at least a little bit.  Real life has been a real pain lately…extremely demanding for various reasons.  Most importantly…my own sanity.  Some things happened earlier this year that…really threw my whole life for a loop.  And when I get hurt like I did & have trouble trusting anyone as a result, it’s always been best for me to pull back from all but my family & closest friends while I figure out how to deal with how I’m feeling & get past it without hurting myself or anyone else or doing something really really stupid like I’m good at doing.  I didn’t want to make a bad situation worse so I just kept to myself while I did my best to heal.  Well in the middle of that, my computer died so I was without a computer for close to a month which made my hiding even easier to do.  And then it was summer & we weren’t in school/working so I kind of just took the rest of the summer off to do nothing.  And for the last month I’ve been working on getting back into the swing of things as well as keep working on my losing weight.

I know I’ve explained some of this in 1 of the last posts I made but I wanted to do it this way…make it feel like sort of an almost fresh beginning.  Because here we are now.  I’m at the moment just over 40 lbs under what I was at my highest…when I first realized I had so many physical problems that were much more than just side effects of being overweight.  And I’m holding it…even if it’s just barely.  And as for my head…I honestly am not sure even myself what’s going on in there…but maybe if I write a bit of it out, it might help me just a little bit so here I go.  Also, as I said…this is a way to make a fresh start on this blog so what better way than to let everyone into my head a little bit.

I know that it’s not good to label people but…for me personally…it’s difficult to not be able to label myself.  For me there is just something comforting about having a name to call myself…a way to categorize myself…& right now I’m most definitely missing that.  I don’t know whether I’m a sub, a babygirl, a kitten, just shy & traditional, needy, high maintenance, too giving & trusting & open, an alpha bitch, or what exactly I am because I feel all of those things…some of the time.  And even tho I feel like a young teenager/preteen in the deepest part of me…even she doesn’t feel like the way so many other people describe their littles because…she is me…everything else is just layered on top of her.  The responsible adult me, the mom me, the horny slut me, the scared & clingy me, the alpha bitch me…they’re all part of me but also extensions of her because…I am that girl all the time tho she may get hidden or buried when rl makes it impossible for her to function & 1 of the others has to step up to the plate.

I also don’t know whether I’m ready for a relationship or not since I have so much difficulty meeting people to begin with.  I won’t know until it’s too late & I’m in 1 & shouldn’t be but other than being lonely…right now I feel like I’m a decent headspace finally.  Problem is…it’s coming at a price.  Right now I’m damned no matter what I do so all I can do is just hope I do the best I can to not make a big mess of things.  I feel safe, & secure, & calm…things I usually don’t feel but the source…I’m not sure it’s good for either of us to depend on each other like we do at this point.  I know how I feel…that isn’t the point…the point is…such a good thing could get ruined so easily & that’s a very scary thing.  Which is why I’m not sure if I should do something to stop that chance from happening & suffer there, or just blindly hope for the best…which never seems to happen for me.  Coming out on the other side of what I did made me realize just how precious some things & people can be & the last thing I’d want to do is lose someone because I was impatient.  So right now…I’m just hoping I get some kind of sign or something as to what to do.

Thanks everyone for listening & hope everyone is doing good in their own lives!  Lots of hugs & kisses & hopefully will be posting more on here after my net get sorted out finally.