I am still here just…been a difficult few weeks for me in the real world. I’ve been dealing with the aftermath of a big change in my life, so have been alternating between thinking alot to try & figure out how to deal with it, fighting myself to not eat myself into a nice warm comfort zone, & avoiding thinking at all by watching WAY too many YouTube videos. *laughs*
I have felt very disgusted & disheartened lately, & it’s been very hard to deal with so I’ve withdrawn alot like I often do when I’m trying to work thru something. But I’ve come to the point where I’m not sure I can work thru this. I think this time…I’m not broken again but not sure I even want to get back out & open myself up to people again. I have been so disgusted with myself & how naive & trusting I can be that it’s made it super difficult to not eat myself into a comfort food coma. And I haven’t…at least not yet. Even feeling that way, I’ve managed to ride out a few ups & down of the scale & not freak out about it so I’m obviously doing something right there. Plus our oldest cat got super sick this week & had me pretty worried so that’s been another thing I’ve had to deal with as well as adjusting to being home with my kid all day everyday practically what with school being out & me not working.
I’m even doing some avoiding of some of my good friends cause I don’t wanna rain my grumpiness & moodiness all over them especially since they seem to be doing good right now. I also don’t want them to feel guilty for doing good when I feel like things are pretty pointless for me relationshipwise right now. I feel ok or good about everything else but right now…I’m not sure I’d recognize or even want him if the perfect man for me showed up right now. I’m pretty sure I’d tell him thanks but no thanks that I’m not interested & send him on his way even if he was perfect for me. Notice I’m saying for me…not perfect cause Lord knows I’d not want a perfect man.
I’ve also been thinking alot about whether I’m really submissive or just a shy, traditional type woman who is very much in touch with her inner child instead. Because times like these…I can’t stop the way I do or feel & no 1 should have to try to lead me thru this. I need comfort, not control when I’m like this & I can’t really concentrate on anyone but myself & my kid as I work my way thru my own head. It just wouldn’t feel right or fair to have a Daddy or Dominant right now because I just couldn’t be what they deserved when I’m like this. I need friends more than anything…friends who understand & don’t take personally when I’m quiet for a few days while I avoid then think about things. A relationship is the absolute last thing I need or want right now no matter how much I hate to be single.
Anyway, I guess count this as an update a day early & hugs to everyone who has stuck by me thru all of this. I’m gonna try doing at least random posts once or twice a week for a while till I feel like I can do more. So thanks again to all of you & hope the rest of your weekend is good.