Well..this isn’t going to be quite the post I was originally planning on it being, but all the same it’ll have some to do with it. I have entered in a contest in SL, & it has ended up dragging up all sorts of conflicting needs & feelings. I originally did it just kind of spur of the moment because never in a million years would I have imagined it would go anywhere. Now, I’m facing being in the finals & I’m not sure I want it or not.
But that’s not all. I’m also surrounded by wedding planning & it’s making me a little crazy. I’m the eternal bridesmaid…never a bride. Everyone I’m good friends with in SL has been partnered at least once &/or married…if not multiple times. I’m complaining but not complaining at the same time here. I would love to have a wedding or even just be partnered but…I’ve got this man who…everything about me & him scares me…most of all losing him for good. He won me over over 2 years ago by not only seducing me & bringing out the submissive in me for the first time…since before that I’d had no clue she even existed inside me…but for some reason he brought her out within minutes of meeting him. Then the next time I met him, he showed that unlike so many men, he actually paid attention to all of me by scratching my ears & playing with my tail…since I’m usually neko in SL. We ended up talking almost every day for the next few weeks & 3 weeks after we’d met, he decided to collar me officially. And that lasted for almost 8 months before things fell apart. I didn’t know it at the time but that’s when my little started to show & since neither of us had really had alot of experience with that particular thing, we didn’t really know what to do, so I left so we could stay friends since I was the 1 having most of the issues
We kept talking at least twice a month, sometimes as often as every day for a week at a time over the next almost year & a half. We’d had numerous fall backs over that time but nothing was ever said about possibly trying again. Then the other day, in the midst of the contest, 1 of my adopted SL sisters decided it was time to find me & my best friend a man…even if it was at gunpoint. *laughs* I happened to be talking to him at the time, & told him cause well…I found it hilarious. He said that if she’s taking applications for the husband in my shotgun wedding he’d just have to put 1 in. I smart assedly told him I double dog dared him & he did. Which led to him coming down to the club we’re always at & dancing with me for over an hour which has only happened like 1 other time before in the entire time we’ve known each other. Even more surprising, he asked me if I’d like to be his again…I figured I left him so it’d never happen even if I had entertained the thought a time or 2 & just never said anything to him about it. I wasn’t sure how he felt about who I’ve become, whether he still cared about me like he had, whether he wanted someone as labor intensive as I’d be…so I’d never done more than idly consider it. So after we talked a bit more about it, I submitted to him again. He has been there for me over & over…more times than I can count…I’d have to be crazy to tell him no considering I know he’ll follow thru on every single thing he promised me he’d do.
And that is what’s led to things now. The fear is coming back in full force due to both of these things happening, & my having issues losing weight which stems from the fear as well. Fear that I’ll be a disappointment or too needy or I care too much & am going to ruin things for good with us. Worry that I will get in the finals of the contest & that my other adopted sister won’t win it when she’d be a much better choice but also wanting to win if only to say hahahahah to everyone who thinks I’m everything I shouldn’t be because so many people think I’m not good enough when I damn well am. Stuck between being happy to be collared again to being a bit…something…more wistful than upset I think…that I’ll never be partnered or married because I have to choose between those happening & being with a man I know has to care about me or he wouldn’t have asked me to be his again. The fear that comes from not knowing how people feel because I’m scared to death to ask them because I don’t want to be told it’s more me than them & having to deal with that kind of hurt.
My adopted sisters….things are so romantic with them &…don’t get me wrong I’m not at all a big romantic or big on romance cause normally I hate the gushy stuff…but I am a woman with a heart & a human being & even I would like once in a while to be told someone loves me. To get a present just because or a short note saying how someone feels…to have a ring or a bracelet or even a hair bow *laughs* that’s another way to show I mean something to them. My best friend is amazing for that & I hope to never lose her again because of either of us being stupid, but even she’s not enough & she shouldn’t be. It’s not her responsibility to pick me up when I’m down. And yes…i have learned how to do that & I do love myself for the first time in like ever but no 1 wants to have to do it all on their own. But it makes me feel so needy & guilty to want these things even tho I know I deserve them just like everyone else does that…it becomes a battle to say something about it for fear of disappointing someone or seeming too needy or ungrateful. It’s so hard to think of myself first because I’ve spent so much of my life feeling like I need to please others that even now it does cause those types of inner battles. The difference is that now…I know what it is & how to fight it which is what led to this post. So thank you everyone for listening & huggies to all!