Home » Uncategorized » I have come to a decision about my life

I have come to a decision about my life

As anyone who has been following my blog here for a while knows, I’ve been trying to find that special someone…& usually not having alot of luck tho I have met some amazing people along the way.  But after these last few days…I have decided.  I am…by choice…unless some miracle I can’t even imagine happens…will be spending the rest of my life single.  Right now…I just cannot imagine…being in a relationship…& have given up hope of finding 1.  I know they always say to stop looking & love will find you but for someone like me…doesn’t work that way.  I have social anxiety, & am very shy on top of that, so if I am not pushing myself to get out & meet people…looking for that someone…I don’t leave the house except to go to work or the doctor, & really only talk with good friends online…with an occasional comment or answer back on someone’s blog.  I am pretty much done with secondlife unless Arial wants me to get on there or 1 of my few other good friends from there, I play by myself or with my son or Arial or Lea on WoW so no meeting people because I avoid places with lots of people as much as I can…the normal clichéd advice just doesn’t work for me…what with me being the way I am.  So…i’m hanging it up.  Am even to the point where I’m not praying for a miracle because the constant trying & just finding people who could care less about my mind & who I really am & are much more impressed with my ability for quick arousal or multiple orgasms.  That just depresses me beyond words & it’s easier to just not try at all & live with my walls up & in my own head than to try & get rejected or used over & over again.  I know everyone goes thru that but I have never really learned how to properly deal with people…even now I have so many problems with it I’m not much better than a high school freshman at their most awkward stages.  I’m that scared, awkward girl who hides in the corner at the few parties she’s forced to go to…hoping no 1 notices her so she doesn’t freeze up & look stupid.  So I’m going to give up…& just stop putting myself thru it.  I’ve been alone for the most part relationship-wise for the last 14 years…almost 15 since the last year of my marriage was a complete joke.  There were 2 good ones in there tho 1 of them was alot better in my head than in real life.  But the last 1 spoiled me enough so that I can’t accept anything less…refuse to because I know I’m better than that…so it’s time to do something about it.  I know I’m rambling here but…I’m just thinking as I type.  I know what I want & can’t seen to find it.  I want a man who thinks my obsession with WoW & kitties & comic book movies & boybands & my constant fan girling is adorably or adorkably cute…who will encourage my writing or whatever else is important to me at the time & will help me discover & make come true my dreams.  I would worship the ground that man walked on if I ever found him but as it is now…it’s just a pipe dream & I’m cutting myself off from the pipe.

Anyway…*laughs & blushes* sure wasn’t meaning for it to end up like that but…figured it was time to get on here & finally put my heart out there for everyone & show why I’ve not been around much.  When you have things like that running around in your head…not much else can come out so there it is.  Huggies to everyone & thank you as always!

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2 thoughts on “I have come to a decision about my life

  1. Here is my secret to life… when we stop looking it finds us. I know because it happened to me. I was an un happy and lonely woman. I was looking and i found, found things that made me happy in the moment. But none of that had the makings of forever. Then i just quit. I focused on me. I got healthier and happier in my own skin. I took up a hobby i liked out in the real world. I let all of my fantasy lives just sit on their own shelves and focused on this one. this touchable breathing one. In the past 14 months i have met my forever. I am happy and peaceful and living my real life. And i know that you will find yours too. We escape so often into the other places that we lose focus on what is important. And that is ourselves. Once we are the center of our own universe then someone magically comes along who wants us as their center. Hugs and hope. Because life is nothing without HOPE

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