I have come to a decision about my life

As anyone who has been following my blog here for a while knows, I’ve been trying to find that special someone…& usually not having alot of luck tho I have met some amazing people along the way.  But after these last few days…I have decided.  I am…by choice…unless some miracle I can’t even imagine happens…will be spending the rest of my life single.  Right now…I just cannot imagine…being in a relationship…& have given up hope of finding 1.  I know they always say to stop looking & love will find you but for someone like me…doesn’t work that way.  I have social anxiety, & am very shy on top of that, so if I am not pushing myself to get out & meet people…looking for that someone…I don’t leave the house except to go to work or the doctor, & really only talk with good friends online…with an occasional comment or answer back on someone’s blog.  I am pretty much done with secondlife unless Arial wants me to get on there or 1 of my few other good friends from there, I play by myself or with my son or Arial or Lea on WoW so no meeting people because I avoid places with lots of people as much as I can…the normal clichéd advice just doesn’t work for me…what with me being the way I am.  So…i’m hanging it up.  Am even to the point where I’m not praying for a miracle because the constant trying & just finding people who could care less about my mind & who I really am & are much more impressed with my ability for quick arousal or multiple orgasms.  That just depresses me beyond words & it’s easier to just not try at all & live with my walls up & in my own head than to try & get rejected or used over & over again.  I know everyone goes thru that but I have never really learned how to properly deal with people…even now I have so many problems with it I’m not much better than a high school freshman at their most awkward stages.  I’m that scared, awkward girl who hides in the corner at the few parties she’s forced to go to…hoping no 1 notices her so she doesn’t freeze up & look stupid.  So I’m going to give up…& just stop putting myself thru it.  I’ve been alone for the most part relationship-wise for the last 14 years…almost 15 since the last year of my marriage was a complete joke.  There were 2 good ones in there tho 1 of them was alot better in my head than in real life.  But the last 1 spoiled me enough so that I can’t accept anything less…refuse to because I know I’m better than that…so it’s time to do something about it.  I know I’m rambling here but…I’m just thinking as I type.  I know what I want & can’t seen to find it.  I want a man who thinks my obsession with WoW & kitties & comic book movies & boybands & my constant fan girling is adorably or adorkably cute…who will encourage my writing or whatever else is important to me at the time & will help me discover & make come true my dreams.  I would worship the ground that man walked on if I ever found him but as it is now…it’s just a pipe dream & I’m cutting myself off from the pipe.

Anyway…*laughs & blushes* sure wasn’t meaning for it to end up like that but…figured it was time to get on here & finally put my heart out there for everyone & show why I’ve not been around much.  When you have things like that running around in your head…not much else can come out so there it is.  Huggies to everyone & thank you as always!