…but I had to do this 1st. I just watched a movie & it combined with various other things has got me thinking so much so that I’m not even going to bother trying to go to sleep until I get this out.
It was called Fat Like Me & alot of the things in the movie were true. I hate what I’ve let myself become…how I’ve let everyone down & I know that everyone says I haven’t but I feel like I have so that’s what matters. My mom…i love her to death but she had no idea whatsoever to do with the shy, scared little girl I was then & still am to this day no matter how fat I am or that I’m a mother in my own right or that I’ll be 40 in less than 2 years. And dad was the same way so he couldn’t help either…no 1 in my family really had any clue what to do with me till it was too late to help.
I would give anything to be able to lose weight but fear pure & simple stops me every time & I don’t know how to get past it. I’m scared of no 1 liking me, of being alone my whole life partnershipwise, scare of being laughed at or rejected or looked down upon because like most people…all those things have happened to me many times in the past. Unlike most people…I have never learned to deal with any of those things & haven’t a clue what to do. I’m very well aware that everyone goes thru those things & most people live thru them quite well but I don’t know how. And how do you learn those things? So instead, you make yourself weigh 360 lbs…partly because if you’re fat no 1 will look at you so you won’t have to bother putting yourself out there to be rejected because they just never bother to notice you or else I feel as if I don’t deserve any better than to kill myself with food. And no matter what anyone says…that is exactly what I’m doing.
I know this is all I I I & me me me but until I can fix I I I & me me me…I’m no good to anyone else. I want my kid to be proud of me, not offer to put my socks on for me cause i can’t get my fat foot up to where I can reach it myself…or for him to offer to carry the groceries cause I get so out of breath from it or the dozens of other little things he’s done because I’m fat & he’s seen it every day of his life & knows it’s only getting worse. He loves me the way I am & amazingly enough isn’t embarrassed by me which is an amazing thing to me since I’m so embarrassed of myself. Anyway…I just wanted to get this out before I went to bed so maybe now I can get a little bit of sleep. Thanks for listening & huggies to everyone.
Originally posted on my earlier blog on 2010/08/25/