Just some thoughts

I have realized over the last few days of thinking that…I’m so scared.  Scared of everything…of being alone, of disappointing someone, at finding someone & it not working out or them finding someone that isn’t as needy & demanding clingy as I oftentimes feel I am…I live with so much fear I don’t know how I can function some days.  It’s why I gained weight & can’t lose it because with this weight…it’s so easy to not go anywhere or meet anyone cause I feel so crappy all of the time…& there’s always the voice that points out since I’m so fat no 1 will want me anyway unless it’s for a hole to stick it in…which leads into even more fear & upset & pain because even now I have trouble saying no to people who I know aren’t good for me.  I come so close to letting so many people do terrible things to my self-esteem just because I want to feel for 1 moment that I belong to someone…& yes I have gotten a hell of a lot better at saying no & not only avoiding but seeing those types of people earlier on but it’s still so frustrating & upsetting.  And when I do meet decent people…I do stupid things & freak out & do everything in my subconscious power to get rid of them that I end up just not bothering because it’s not worth putting me or them thru it.  So I’m hoping I’m going to be able to lose this weight now so I feel better & can do things before I’m too old or my kid’s too old to enjoy it.  And maybe then…I’ll be able to finally have what I want…& be someone’s.

Thanks for listening to this rant & also to all the people who helped with the “littles” links…I’ve been looking at those alot too so thank you so much!

30 Day Blog Challenge Day 29

Day 29 – 29. Talk about your siblings.

Well since I only have 1 sister that will make things easy.  We’ve had our ups & downs over our lives…from me shoving her off the bed when she was 6 months old just because I could & stuffing her in my Barbie house when she was 3 because she wouldn’t leave it alone, to us practically living with 2 of our best friends up in my room the summer after our mom died…we’ve gone from 1 extreme to another over our lifetime.  And while we have both turned out to be very different people, we have also learned to be able to be friends as well which at 1 point I would’ve thought was an impossible thing.  Neither of us have always approved of what the other has done, but we don’t question it anymore.  And to me…that’s the biggest miracle that can happen.  I wish her all the luck in being a mom since she’s a new 1 & thank her for trying all the times she has before…even if I’m a grumpy cranky whiny bitch it was usually appreciated.

30 Day Blog Challenge Day 28

Day 28 – 28. The month you were happiest this past year & why.

I am at a complete loss as to how to answer this question.  I guess the closest I can come to it is probably  December…if only because that’s the last time I was really able to lose weight.  I can’t really remember being really happy for an extended period of time in the last year so that’s the best I can do.  There’s been highlights of course but…none that would work for a full month’s worth of happiness.   *laughs* And believe me there’s no complaining at all there cause just because I can remember being really happy doesn’t mean they’ve been bad at all either.  Just…nothing super memorable.

30 Day Blog Challenge Day 27

Here to get this going again hopefully. *smiles*

Day 27 – 27. Things you like/don’t like about yourself.

I’ll do the likes first I guess. *laughs*

I am or always try to be loyal, friendly, goofy, trusting, polite, understanding, special, unique, open minded, have pretty eyes, nice hair, awesome boobs, nice long nails when I haven’t broken them off *laughs*, my very off & oftentimes sarcastic sense of humor, silly, childlike view of the world alot of the time, try to treat other people like I want to be treated, am very in touch with my sexual side…sometimes too much so I think *laughs*, plus I’m sure there’s more but I think that’s a good batch so far.

Now to the things I don’t like so much.  I can be impatient, stubborn, hard headed, crude, perverted, silly or flaky, immature, too trusting, love to procrastinate, feel like I’m too needy &/or clingy, have sex on the brain a little too much, scared of so many things, my emotional eating cause it’s making it so hard to lose weight, giggle &/or laugh probably too much & when I shouldn’t.

Sometimes I have to wonder if my fear isn’t so great….of everything & everyone…that it causes me physical issues enough to limit me from getting what I feel like I want or need.  I hate living with so much fear & while yes I have worked thru alot of it…when I’m tired &/or stressed it seems to show up again even worse than before.  It seems like every time I meet a man that has potential…something has to come along & mess it up.  Either I get moody & cranky…because of either underlying fear or stress from my life, or go hide in a hole because I’m frustrated & scared & upset.  I am so scared of disappointing people or being left that I think I sometimes subconsciously…or maybe even consciously once in a while…do things that make sure that happens just so I don’t have to deal with it later when I’m actually emotionally involved & invested in the relationship.  I think that is what I dislike about myself so much is the fear that leads to that happening…& when I explain it to someone it sounds like such a lousy excuse to me that most of the time I don’t bother as I can’t see how anyone would actually believe me even if it is lame & the truth.

Anyway *laughs & blushes* there’s some of the things I do & don’t like about myself so hope my rant wasn’t too confusing.  *smiles* Huggies to all of you & thanks again for reading!

30 Day Blog Challenge Day 26

And lastly today’s blog challenge.  And if anyone has any idea or suggestions for another 1 please let me know *smiles*

Day 26 – 26. A moment you felt most satisfied with your life.

I can’t pick any specific moment but…there’s been numerous times when my son was younger…he’d sneak into bed with me cause it was storming or we were on vacation or such & I’d wake up & Nicky would be snuggled up to him, & Duncan & Sammy would be on the bed too & I’d think no matter what else…I’m doing better than I ever could’ve imagined & said a nice little prayer of thanks for having what I do have.

I have a question for my readers about littles or babygirls

I have been reading alot & talking to people recently & the subject of littles & baby girls has come up.  And I’ve looked online but had very little luck finding anything so I was wondering if any of you out there might have some good places to go or advice or anything like that for me to learn more about it.  I appreciate it & thank you very much in advance!

TMI Tuesday

First 1 I’ve done in a while so enjoy…& my apologies if there’s alot of posts today *laughs*

tmi_fill in the blank May 13 2014 art

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fill in the blanks.

1. My favorite month is January because that means the holidays are over & my son’s birthday is that month as well.

2. Nothing beats a fresh breeze.

3. I love a good raid with my kid or friends.

4. Chocolate chip pancakes is what I like to have as a treat for breakfast but a chocolate chip peanut butter cookie or 2 is what I want for dessert.

5. The hobby I enjoy most writing when I’m able to do it.

6. Duncan & Nitty & Sammy , oh my!

7. I understand that there is nothing that will ever help me finding my way back to my sanity.

8. Private stuff inside.

Bonus: What is it? Explain how you would use it.

whatisit_May13I have no clue whatsoever what this is but it’d be cool to hang in the window & scare little kids with *laughs*

 

 

30 Day Blog Challenge Day 25

Here’s today’s!

Day 25 – 25. 5 ways to win your heart.

1.  Get to know me…really get to know me.  Talking to me is the best way for that to happen.

2. Liking cats &/or all animals is also a plus.

3. To either be a gamer or have been 1 is a good thing too cause you’ll know where I’m coming from when I get on a gaming kick.

4. *laughs* Be KE, KS, or ES

5. Listen to me & want me for who I am…not my body or what I can give you.

LOL May not be romantic ways but…they’re the surest ways to win me over.

30 Day Blog Challenge Day 24

Oddly enough this is on mother’s day so it’s kind of fitting.

Day 24 – 24. Things you want to say to 5 different people.

Thank you to my mom…for everything.  And a large part of that thanks goes to helping show me how to raise my kid…even if she never even got to see him.

I know I’m a stick in the mood cranky whiny idiot alot of the time but thanks to you those times happen alot less than they could so thank you for staying so long we’re stuck with each other – to my best friend

No matter how annoyed & frustrated & cranky & boohooey I may get…I would never trade you in a million years for anything.  You are my surprise & I love you for it – to my son

Grow up & act like an adult already – 1 of the people I’ve had to deal with at my kid’s school

Thank you for showing me I deserve better & helping me figure out what that is – all my exes

And happy mother’s day to everyone because either they have a mother or are a mother…doesn’t matter if their kids are human or furry or feathery or swim or made of porcelain…all of us deserve a day to remember how awesome we can be & how awesome they were for us…because even the bad ones teach you alot…if only about how not to be that way yourself.  So huggies & thanks to everyone once again!