I have realized over the last few days of thinking that…I’m so scared. Scared of everything…of being alone, of disappointing someone, at finding someone & it not working out or them finding someone that isn’t as needy & demanding clingy as I oftentimes feel I am…I live with so much fear I don’t know how I can function some days. It’s why I gained weight & can’t lose it because with this weight…it’s so easy to not go anywhere or meet anyone cause I feel so crappy all of the time…& there’s always the voice that points out since I’m so fat no 1 will want me anyway unless it’s for a hole to stick it in…which leads into even more fear & upset & pain because even now I have trouble saying no to people who I know aren’t good for me. I come so close to letting so many people do terrible things to my self-esteem just because I want to feel for 1 moment that I belong to someone…& yes I have gotten a hell of a lot better at saying no & not only avoiding but seeing those types of people earlier on but it’s still so frustrating & upsetting. And when I do meet decent people…I do stupid things & freak out & do everything in my subconscious power to get rid of them that I end up just not bothering because it’s not worth putting me or them thru it. So I’m hoping I’m going to be able to lose this weight now so I feel better & can do things before I’m too old or my kid’s too old to enjoy it. And maybe then…I’ll be able to finally have what I want…& be someone’s.
Thanks for listening to this rant & also to all the people who helped with the “littles” links…I’ve been looking at those alot too so thank you so much!