It’s the beginning of my 3rd week on Weight Watchers & this is…according to alot of online things & people I know…the make or break week most of the time. I’m down close to 10 lbs already…including 3.5 lbs this last week which is not all water weight loss…so at least I have some motivation. But over the last few days…after some serious thinking & things I’ve read on other people’s blogs that have made me think,…I have to wonder if I’m going to be able to do it anyway. All the reasons I’ve had trouble doing this before are still here & I don’t know how to deal with them & get them out of the way without help. And help is something I’m completely unable to get…at least not for the help I need to do this & make it last.
I’ve really tried not to whine or complain or write any sob story posts but maybe some of this stuff I need to at least write out some of them so I can have them listed somewhere. My biggest problem with losing weight..always has been & can’t imagine it not being a problem…is that my weight is my way to guard against the world. It makes it more difficult to meet people which is good because if I don’t meet people, I won’t get disappointed or hurt or my heart mangled like it has before. And yes…I do want to meet new people & would love to have someone in my life but my fear of either them not wanting me or even worse wanting me for a while then finding something they like more…that fear is something I have no clue at all about how to get past. It’s what I scream & cry about when I want to emotionally eat because I know that’s why I want to eat but I am so scared as well that it makes me miserable to not eat because not only am I not getting any comfort from eating like normal, but that fear grows & grows the more weight I lose. Part of me knows that no 1 is ever going to want me to if I stay fat I’ll never have to deal with that rejection because I don’t even get noticed now let alone rejected. But at the same time…I so don’t want to be alone forever so it’s like a catch 22…I can’t win either way because I’m miserable no matter what I do. I know with my logical mind that I’m wrong but…it’s not my logical mind I have to contend with to get the weight off.
I know these are common worries & fears but until I know how to deal with it myself…which I’ve not figured out in over 25 yrs so I don’t have much hope of figuring it out now…I’m going to be miserable as long as I lose weight. I have to lose this weight…for physical & health reasons…but all the emotional ones are what makes it so damned hard to do. And quite often if I’m offline for a period of time, I’m isolating myself to help deal with that so promise I’ll be back sooner or later. But before I’m done…I still want to thank everyone for all their kind words & everything else they’ve given me…it’s more appreciated than they can ever know. So *huggies* to everyone for their reading this & even more for their kinds words & comments & wishes & I hope the best for all of you & thank you so much for being part of my journey!