Some thoughts

It’s the beginning of my 3rd week on Weight Watchers & this is…according to alot of online things & people I know…the make or break week most of the time.  I’m down close to 10 lbs already…including 3.5 lbs this last week which is not all water weight loss…so at least I have some motivation.  But over the last few days…after some serious thinking & things I’ve read on other people’s blogs that have made me think,…I have to wonder if I’m going to be able to do it anyway.  All the reasons I’ve had trouble doing this before are still here & I don’t know how to deal with them & get them out of the way without help.  And help is something I’m completely unable to get…at least not for the help I need to do this & make it last.

I’ve really tried not to whine or complain or write any sob story posts but maybe some of this stuff I need to at least write out some of them so I can have them listed somewhere.  My biggest problem with losing weight..always has been & can’t imagine it not being a problem…is that my weight is my way to guard against the world.  It makes it more difficult to meet people which is good because if I don’t meet people, I won’t get disappointed or hurt or my heart mangled like it has before.  And yes…I do want to meet new people & would love to have someone in my life but my fear of either them not wanting me or even worse wanting me for a while then finding something they like more…that fear is something I have no clue at all about how to get past.  It’s what I scream & cry about when I want to emotionally eat because I know that’s why I want to eat but I am so scared as well that it makes me miserable to not eat because not only am I not getting any comfort from eating like normal, but that fear grows & grows the more weight I lose.  Part of me knows that no 1 is ever going to want me to if I stay fat I’ll never have to deal with that rejection because I don’t even get noticed now let alone rejected.  But at the same time…I so don’t want to be alone forever so it’s like a catch 22…I can’t win either way because I’m miserable no matter what I do.  I know with my logical mind that I’m wrong but…it’s not my logical mind I have to contend with to get the weight off.

I know these are common worries & fears but until I know how to deal with it myself…which I’ve not figured out in over 25 yrs so I don’t have much hope of figuring it out now…I’m going to be miserable as long as I lose weight.  I have to lose this weight…for physical & health reasons…but all the emotional ones are what makes it so damned hard to do.  And quite often if I’m offline for a period of time, I’m isolating myself to help deal with that so promise I’ll be back sooner or later.  But before I’m done…I still want to thank everyone for all their kind words & everything else they’ve given me…it’s more appreciated than they can ever know.  So *huggies* to everyone for their reading this & even more for their kinds words & comments & wishes & I hope the best for all of you & thank you so much for being part of my journey!

TMI Tuesday

Potpourri of Questions

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1. You’ve been waiting forever for your significant other to propose marriage, when they finally do it is in the form of a bribe: “Lose 10-15 lbs. (approx. 1 stone U.K.; approx. 6 kilos) and I will marry you…the wedding can be anyway, and anywhere of your choosing…just lose some weight.”

Would you accept this proposal?

(Alternatively for the traditionalists): Men if your significant other was a little ‘heavier’ than you’d like him/her to be, would you make such a proposal?

Not unless they were gonna lose the same amount of weight as me just so they can see how it feels.

2. Are you participating in any Halloween festivities? Will you wear a costume? If yes, what?

Nope.  If I go anywhere on Halloween it’ll have to be as my scary self *laughs*

3. Forget the fact that you have a blog, in real-life are you:

a. an over-sharer who tells every detail of your personal life to everyone including the barista at Starbucks?

b. a little discriminating in who you decide to talk to about your personal life, feelings, etc.? Your love life isn’t off limits to friends and family but you don’t confide in total strangers.

c. as tight as a clam? You don’t share important details with friends and family and when you do it about kills you because you are extremely private.

i’m closest to A tho it’s only with people I know…not just complete strangers cause honestly…I’m petrified of strangers & people but I am very well aware of the fact that I overshare…alot. *laughs*  But if someone talks to me first…*giggles* all I can do is apologize about the oversharingness that is me.

4. MEN your significant other has asked to sleep with your cock in his/her mouth, what are your first thoughts? Would you say yes or no? Why?

LADIES/significant other…your guy just asked you to sleep with his penis in your mouth. Would you do it? Why or why not?

Definitely not because I tend to grind my teeth in my sleep so no…i’d do him the favor of saving it & tell him I couldn’t, tho I would definitely explain why not.

Bonus: If you were remembered for one thing, what would it be?

This 1 really made me think but I’m gonna have to say I’d want to be known…even if only to my kid…as great mom…1 he’d been lucky to have…because that would mean I’ve done my job as a parent well & what more can a parent ask for?

So far

Well have made it thru the 2nd weekend of my diet/new way of looking at food/whatever you want to call it *laughs* & have actually done better than I have been.  It’s actually been mostly pleasant.  Especially considering just a few minutes ago I got a good tickle, I don’t know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but I baked blueberry muffins to use as breakfasts or desserts this week & I had 1 & *laughs* definitely enjoyed it so my kid went & told me that I could have another 1 & just go over on my diet a little…because I deserved it. *snorts* Not sure I should take that as I’ve done that good or he’s trying to make up for something.  But I’ve at least made an impression 1 way or another so I’m gonna take it as a positive sign.  *chuckles* Random I know but something I’d like to have down to look back on later when he’s an adult.

TMI Tuesday again

Dating Obstacles

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1. Could you date someone who is really into Legos? Their house consist of Lego furniture, the walls are covered in 3-D Lego art or photos of mammoth Lego creations.

I’m not sure about the lego furniture but I could live with the others.  *laughs* Means they couldn’t complain about my odd fangirl things either.

 

2. You have a big date and discover that you have run out of undies (underwear, panties), would you:
a. re-wear dirty
b. wear a swimsuit or swimsuit bottoms
c. line worn undies with fresh panty-liners
d. go commando

C. At least that way I’d feel a little better about it *grins*

 

3. In order to date the person of your dreams, you must be in a reality show with them. Would you date him/her? Why?

No because I’m so shy I’d be likely to keel over before the show even got started so wouldn’t get to date them anyway so why bother? *laughs*

 

4. You have been dating a certain someone for a while, you two click and you really like them but they confided to you that they are a crime-fighting super hero? Do you still date them or let the relationship cool? Why?

Why not?  I’d already be used to their coming & going at odd times…don’t see a reason me finding out why would make a difference.

 

5. You are on a date with someone you really want to impress. Your pants/skirt/shirt/bra split early in the date. What do you do?
a. Tie a jacket or sweater around your waist or put the jacket or sweater on to hide the issue
b. Stop at a drugstore and buy safety pins, and in secret try to fix and hide problem
c. ‘Fess up to the problem, let it all hang out and continue with the date
d. Cut the date short and go home

B.  Since I almost can’t go out in public without a bra I would have to fix it but safety pins are more than good at fixing that little issue.  And it wouldn’t be a big deal anyway for them to find out…might do some good & give us something to talk about at some point.

 

Bonus:
You went away for the weekend with your new romantic love interest. He/she had planned a wonderful weekend of outdoor fun for you both but it has started to rain and storms are in the forecast for the next few days. What do you suggest the two of you do instead?

Do as much of the outdoor stuff as we could & figure out what we can do between times together.

 

The beginning

As I’ve said on here a few times off & on I’ve been needing or trying to lose weight for quite some time now.  Friday, I decided to do it & joined Weight Watchers online.  It gives me a daily goal…to stay in my points goal for each day…so I have a little goal to meet & beat each day, then it celebrates in 20 pound increments, which is small enough to make me feel like I did something.  Plus it figures out all the food’s points for you so you don’t have to micromanage as it does it for you.  I don’t know if I’ve lost any but it has been easy enough to follow that I’m still on it 3 days later…during an extra long weekend at that.

Plus, I think I finally found myself a motivator to lose the weight.  All the normal ones are fail with me because I pretty much buy a DVD or CD when I want it, hate spa days, go to the movies about once a month anyway, hate shopping & only buy new clothes when I have to, don’t need alone time…well…you get the idea.  So…since on SecondLife pretty much all I do now is play Tiny Empires & breed kitties…I figured out my perfect motivator.

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These breedable kitties never die, unless you send them to the website’s version of the kitty retirement home, so you have to feed them forever.  Unless…you turn them into a Permapet.  Problem is, that’s an expensive proposition.  So…I’m gonna ask my dad…since he’s doing what he can to help, if he’ll give me $20 for every 20 pounds, & I use that money to Permapet the kitties I don’t wanna give away even to the retirement home.  That there…sadly enough…is a good enough motivator I think to do it…other than the fact that I just want to physically feel better.  The proverbial carrot on the stick for me.  True, I need to lose about 80 pounds total for all the cats *laughs* but by then I can come up with another motivator & will be in a better state of mind & feeling much better physically so it’ll be a whole new can of worms.

I know this was short but I didn’t want to be too quiet for too long & thought that maybe if I posted something it’d help motivate me a bit.  But right now, my son is on the laptop “typing” as fast as me because he’s bored & waiting on me to play WoW with him so will post more in the next day or so.  Thanks everyone!

Something new…TMI Tuesday

I’ve seen this on blogs I’ve read before but this week it just seemed like the thing to do.  So here goes my first try at this!

1. Create your perfect job. What do you do?     I write…& actually manage to sell the stories I come up with…at least enough to make a decent living off of.  Well it’d either be that or be the love/sex slave of a few extra special celebrities…even I have to dream once in a while. *laughs*

2. What person has changed you for the better?    My son probably.  Helping him dealing with his shyness & ADHD has done wonders for me as well…taught me coping mechanisms I never learned & made me embrace myself more than almost anyone else ever has.

3. Cat person or dog person?    I like both but since I have 3 cats that should speak for itself.

4. Who is your favorite relative? Why?    My kid & my dad tie.  Because even tho I’m around them all the time I still enjoy being around them all the time & that’s a rare kind of relative indeed.

5. Mop the floor or iron clothes?    Mop the floor cause I’d just move somewhere it was all carpet *laughs*

6. Which would you rather have, a swimming pool or a gardener? Why?    A swimming pool because we already have someone to mow our lawn…why would we need a gardener?

Bonus: Are you better at giving oral sex or receiving oral sex?     used to be giving but it’s been so long now I’m not sure which way it would go to be honest.

It’s been a while…& possible new direction

I know I have  sucked at updating on here but rl has had me so tightly by the short & curlies that it’s almost impossible to have enough time to think of something to put on here.  Plus, am very disheartened at my search for a more submissive me & when I’m frustrated or disgusted I tend to live in my head alot so that’s another reason I’ve not had much to say either.  And I’ve come to a decision.  When I first made this blog, it was purely for my exploration of my submissive side.  But since that part of me is on hold right now for various reasons, I’m faced with the choice of going on a hiatus, or changing things up a bit & making it more mainstream…at least for the time being.  As I have said a time or 2 on here I have been trying to lose weight…due to some extreme health issues.  And until I can do that, everything else is going to have to be put on hold.  So for a while at least, this blog is probably going to end up being more a sounding board than anything else.  There will still be some submissive discussion when there’s call for it but I’m not going to try & force myself to only write about that since my health is more front & center right now than it is.  I hope you all stay with me thru this since you’ve stayed with me thru this half assed hiatus I’ve been on but if you feel the need to not follow me anymore because of the subject change for now, all I can say is bless you for your time & attention up to this point & I wish you the best on your own journey thru life.  This is mine & I have to do what I can to sort myself out thru it.  *huggies* to everyone & thank you for all your support thru it all!