I deserve it

I just took my kid with me to see the new Star Trek movie, & while sitting there looking at him as the credits were starting to roll, I remembered going to see the original Star Trek 2 with my mom, & us both crying over the end, & i think it triggered something in my head.  I deserve to be able to come home, & tell someone about how much I miss my mom & who wants to know how the movie went & whether my kid enjoyed himself or not.  Someone who just wants to hold me or cuddle me…someone who calls me on skype or the phone just to hear my voice even if it’s only to tell me hello & goodbye…someone who texts me because they’re thinking of me.  I deserve someone who loves me at least half as much as I do him.  I need it, I want it, & i deserve it most importantly of all.  Scary I know to think all of that came from sitting at a movie watching my kid’s face as I thought about my mom but…*shrugs & laughs* blame Karl Urban for being too awesome or Chris Pine for sucking you into his portrayal of Kirk or even Zachary Quinto since with this 1 he finally stood on his own as Spock.  Whatever it was about Star Trek…it’s the truth because I do deserve it & I am going to get it…1 way…or another.

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Last Week’s 2nd assignment a bit late *chuckles*

Got an extension for the holiday yays  But now for this.  This blog’s random topic is..

Are there any names that would be considered inappropriate in polite society that really drive you mad with lust when you hear your partner call you them?

I can think of quite a few of them & considering my family & my friends, it’s not that much of a surprise.  They may not be proper in polite society but I’d have no issues at all him calling me them in front of my friends.  In fact 1 of his favorites for me, wanton, which btw warms me nice & good all over *laughs*, is 1 i have made into a group tag for myself so I can proudly wear it wherever I want.  I’ll admit fucktoy isn’t my favorite but when we’re deep in a scene, it has it’s merits.  And slut *chuckles* good old slut.  Well…that 1 doesn’t bother me because guess what…i am his slut…the same as I’m his wanton.  So if he wants to call me that, I’m more than happy about it.  As long as he doesn’t say it in front of my SL boss or my rl family we’re good because they’re not quite ready to handle it.  And to be honest, it gives me a charge for him to refer to me that way in public (works just like a light switch & turns me instantly on)…especially wanton…so I’m not about to ask him not to.  I am his & I trust him to not say it around someone who’d be less than thrilled to hear it, & to keep saying it all he wants in front of those who aren’t so closed minded & when it’s just the 2 of us.  Nothing could be better or make me more ready than being his wanton.

Week’s assignment…my song

I actually got this assignment last week, but since I came up with another blog on my own, My Master said I could wait & do this 1 this week.  And now…I think I’m ready to do it.  After talking with quite a few of my friends, I have found what…right now…feel like songs that fit…both how I feel i present myself to others & they see me, & how I truly feel.  Some of the suggestions from various friends of mine, including my best friend, were “Here’s Never Growing Up” by Avril Lavigne, “Freak like Me” by Halestorm, & “S&M” by Rihanna.  And while I do like all 3 of those songs, none of them quite fit me right now.

Instead…I have found 2 songs that do.  First is “Hate It When You See me Cry” by Halestorm.  It’s a very good description of how I present myself to the world.  I hate showing any sign of weakness, especially emotional weakness, so I absolutely hate it when I do end up breaking down on someone…showing that I’m vulnerable which is something I’ll avoid at all costs for the most part.  There are a few special people who get to see that side but…they’re few & far between.  When someone has that kind of power over me…where I can let go & cry on them if I need it or a cuddle from them can make all the bad go away…that’s the scariest place I can ever imagine being.

The second song is “Break In” by Halestorm.   There’s so much in there that is exactly how I feel…I have been swept away & overwhelmed & all I can do right now is hold on as best I can & hope for the best for once in my life.  I can try to have faith for once that things will work out good…since that song *sighs* it says it all.

 

Some questions I have

Why can’t people decide how they feel about me or what they want from me?  Why do they have to go back & forth & do everything they can to get me in as deep as they can then run away when it starts looking like I might want them to get in deep with me too?  Am I honestly that scary that people have to guard themselves from me?  Anymore I don’t know how I feel.  In the same conversation it can go from feeling cared about to being scared to being blissfully satisfied to be on the verge of crying to being content to being miserable.  I never know whether I’m coming or going & I absolutely hate it.  I know I’ve ranted about some of this before but I’m not sure I’ve done it all in 1 post.  If they don’t like me or are scared about something or feel like it’s too much or i’m pressuring them into anything…just say something…don’t act all twitchy & avoid me.  And if you said something to me at the spur of the moment & realize later you went too far…just tell me.  I’d rather you tell me & me be a little disappointed than to be truly hurt because I’m being avoided.  Because all I want from people is for them to be as upfront about everything as I try to be.  Yes I know it may take a bit of time to figure it out but there’s taking a bit of time & flat out avoiding & even I know the difference.  If you really need it…just tell me you need a day or 2 to think about things…please.  That’s all I ask for.  I’m a woman, & i have feelings & a heart & for the first time in my life they are true & solid & good so don’t punish me for finally being able to open myself up & feel with no fears or worries.

What I want…

Decided, with the help of my Master, that 1 of this week’s posts was going to be about what I want from other people.  And he just told me to put around a dozen so…let’s see how close I can get to that number. *chuckles*  Tho they’re not going to be in any particular order.

First thing I want from people…I want some damned common courtesy.  Treat people like you want to be treated.  Hold the door open for someone instead of letting it slam in their face.  Grab that box on the top shelf they’re trying to get & don’t shove them out of the way to get it yourself.  If they’re a nickel or dime short at the register don’t bitch about how long it’s taking, give them 1 so they don’t have to put anything back.  In SecondLife…that means move your damned ass off the landing point if you’re in a public place so people don’t end up stacked up on top of each other.

Number 2…let’s see…what should be number 2.  I want people on videogames & chat rooms & such to remember that not everyone behind the computer is a heartless feck & some of us are real people who actually have a heart & feelings.  Just because you’re an avatar or character in a game doesn’t give you the right to be a big old bag of dicks…to quote 1 of my favorite characters on 1 of my favorite shows.  I want those idiots to just once…be nice to someone just because it’s the decent thing to do.

Number 3.  To not be judged on looks alone.  I’m a big girl…& while I’ve learned to live with being stared at everywhere I go, it doesn’t make it a bit less irritating.  Doesn’t hurt my feelings any longer cause I know the people who do that aren’t smart enough for me to want to have anything to do with them anyway, but it doesn’t make it 1 bit less annoying.  Put yourself in the other person’s place & see how much you’d like to be told to save the whales or whispered about.  It’s rude & I’m worth more & it’s a pity you’re too stupid & shallow to see it.  So next time you see someone who’s not model perfect, be a man or a lady & don’t freaking stare like some low IQ moron.  You can’t ever know how they ended up that way so don’t judge them on it.

Number 4.  Not have people be so worried about age & aging.  Getting older is natural.  Embrace the change.  You’re not the same person you were at 16 or 18 or 21 or 30 or 40…so why expect to look the same?  I love my grey hair…makes me look awesome.  My wrinkles keep me from looking like a little kid…true my hair is thinner but you know what…I can live with that.  Just change hairstyles & be happy with it.  Love your looks no matter what age you are.

Now onto number 5.  Have confidence & faith in yourself.  Without those, you can’t treat yourself right…let alone anyone else.

Number 6. I want to feel valued & like an important part of someone’s life.  Not cared about, but important.  Like without me in their life there’d be something missing…same as I feel about them.  That i make their life more interesting, fuller, more complete just by being in it.

Number 7.  To have people who aren’t afraid or are too wrapped up in their own lives to tell you how they feel about you & don’t want to lose you.  I would give almost anything just to have some people tell me that they want me right where I am…& yet they almost never do.  If they do, it’s so few & far between times that it’s almost worst…like they’re throwing out a bone…just enough so that I won’t find someone else who isn’t afraid to tell me…& do it often.

Number 8.  To have someone care about me & never be afraid to tell it or show it.  For them to tell me they care about me…how they feel…when they think of me at odd times during the day send me a text or IM or email just to let me know that I crossed their mind.  To know you’re cared about & be told often…there’s no greater gift someone can give you.  The seemingly little things…are usually the things that can make or break a relationship so never forget them.

Number 9 is next.  To have someone put me if not before everyone else, at least in the top 5 or top 10…behind their family…that I could live with.  I don’t want to be the one & only person in their heart…just 1 of the most important ones that they aren’t related to.

Number 10.  I want someone who is willing to guide me…control me enough so that I know they value me & care enough about me to be willing to help me be my very best.  And since I know it’s time consuming & difficult to be that for someone else, I will make sure that they never doubt how appreciative I am of their efforts & their help.  Because yes…I am a handful & I can be a bit demanding & needy especially when it comes to tasks & assignments…but to have someone who not only cares enough to give me enough to keep me in that right headspace, but is appreciative of the results…that’s someone I will make sure they know I don’t ever want to have them not in my life.

And that is all I can do for you folks.  I hope that gives a good insight into my head & what I do & don’t want & maybe even expect from people I know & that are in my life & if it helps just 1 person in their life…even if not with me…then with someone they do care about & don’t want to lose…friendship or otherwise.

This week’s assignment…

(Courtesy of Submissive Journal Prompts & their weekly email with prompts for the week.)

Are you a quiet obedient submissive or is there an element of playful brattiness in your dynamic?  How does your owner encourage or enhance who you are?

Actually, I’m some of both.  I’m a playful yet obedient submissive…& definitely nothing quiet about me at least not with my Master.  I was a mistress when he met me…a mistress when he seduced me & am still pretty much a mistress with everyone except for him.  He earned my submission completely & totally…never once demanded it or tried to coerce it.  I gave it to him freely & happily…more than sure it was what I wanted by the time he asked if I’d wear his collar.  And he knew I was playful & a smartass & a mistress & all those things & has told me numerous times to stay the way I am…just to let go & be what I can be…the woman that he knows is in there.  He knows that I’m polite & a bit quiet in public due to being shy, but also out of respect for him.  But when it’s just us or we’re in IM or with my friends…he’s perfectly happy with me being myself   He likes who I am & encourages me to be that woman for everyone…& gives me the support & strength by being there to be what he knows I can be.

Just because *sighs*

I normally hate to whine or complain but am thinking that maybe if I write this all down, it’ll be easier to see how silly I’m being & get past it.  Because for the last few days…maybe even week…I’ve felt really crappy…emotionally & mentally that is.  I feel insecure…not about my looks or anything but…about whether I’m a good friend, a good parent, a good sub, a good woman…& am very doubtful I’m any of the above.  Yes, the feeling does come & go but I’ve felt for a while & just now been able to put it into words that…As terrific as things are for me right now…I’m still…I don’t feel like I’m doing enough to please the people that matter to me in my life.  I don’t know if it’s the submissive side or the people pleasing side or what but I just feel like I should be doing so much more so I can be what I want to be for them. Now today I’ve been dealing with this worry that I’m going to be forgotten…or replaced…& unfortunately it’s a very real fear because in 2 of my biggest relationships I was forgotten…after being replaced in 1 of them.  I worry that my friends at work won’t want to have anything to do with me over the summer because they’re only putting up with me there because I’m a good source of amusement, I’m worried that someone funnier or smarter or better behaved is going to come along & overthrow parts of my life…as I said I don’t know why but this is the feeling I’ve had for days now & just now can put into words.  I don’t want to be left behind or forgotten or just there because I’m convenient & that paranoid thinking that just maybe that’s all I am…is making my life hell & I’m so tired of it.  Hopefully, venting like this will help me see it for the bullshit it is & if not *shrugs* at least I tried to make it better.

My next assignment

Today my assignment is to list the top 10 things I like sexually so…*laughs* there’s no time to start like  the present.  Tho I’m writing them in no particular order just how they pop into my head.

10. having someone run their nails along my skin

9. having my neck nuzzled or bitten or even breathed on

8. naughty things being said in my ear especially on voice or real life

7. having my hair yanked or pulled or played with in pretty much any way

6. anything to do with my breasts

5. a little bit of rough can go a long way

4. the feeling when he’s above me & I put my hands against his chest

3. being taken from behind on my hands & kneels especially if I have my face buried in the pillow or mattress

2. having my lip lightly bitten or sucked on

1. my legs wrapped around their legs in missionary position & my arms hooked up from under theirs to grab onto their shoulders from the back

May not be exactly what was in mind when I started it but…those are the things that almost every single time instantly turn me on or push me over the edge.  So they worked for my list. *smiles*

My rant for the week

I have been thinking about this for a week or so now, & have been debating about whether to write it or not, & i think I’m going to.  It is most definitely not aimed at any 1 person in particular just…based on various things I’ve had happen to me over the last few weeks.  I have not been feeling up to my normal standards the last couple of weeks & I have had alot of men that I know complain or just quit talking to me  because I wasn’t in the mood.  Seems I’m good enough for flirting & pixel or IM sex but I’m not good enough to just chat with.  And to be honest…that really irks me.  I am more than just a collection of holes & places to play & stick it & while yes…I’ll be the first to admit that I love having people do just those things…there are times when I’d like to be looked at for my heart & mind as well as my fun parts.  So I don’t like being made to feel like that’s all that I’m good for.  It’s an insult to me & honestly an insult to them if they can’t find any other use for me.  I don’t expect a big declaration of love but just treat me like more than a play thing for Pete’s fricking sake.  It may not seem like a big deal to alot of people but for me personally…a little bit goes a long way.  A little bit of attention when I’m needing it more than usual because face it…if sex isn’t part of my interests something else is obviously wrong…& that little bit of attention will get you lots more attention later when I’m better able to give it.  Something that maybe these guys should think about next time they let me get away with just an I’m ok or I’m fine & don’t cuddle whatever’s wrong with me out of me.