Human nature

Why can most people not see what they have right in front of their face?  Usually they don’t see it  until it’s too late & it’s gone, or else they  just never see it because they’re too wrapped up in themselves to see anything else.  As frustrating as it is, I can at least sort of understand why they couldn’t see what they had in front of them till it’s gone… because oftentimes it takes losing something for someone to see how precious it is to them…no matter how much that sucks for both people involved.  But I think it hurts more when someone can’t see how you feel for them…how much you want to be with them…how the only thing you want is to be theirs & to make them happy…because they’re so concerned about themselves & their needs to ever see yours.  Because yes…it does hurt when you lose someone because they’re too oblivious to see how you feel about them but it hurts even more to feel like you don’t even matter…only their own happiness matters to them.  So…you let them go because you want them to be happy…even if it means them being with someone else.

And for some of us…it can be even worse because we always let them go.  I’d rather be alone & hurting than to upset someone I care about so even when most people would fight or try to talk things out, I’m more likely to just say goodbye & let them find someone who seems to make them happier because I don’t feel like I’m doing it any longer.  I’m scared to fight for them because I just know that I’m going to lose them anyway so I just…let them go & save us both the imagined heartache & upset.  And I have such a fear of being too clingy or needy & driving someone away that I’m scared to death to talk to them…tho some people it’s alot easier for me to talk to about the hard stuff than others.  I know that me doing things the way I am isn’t any better but…it’s hard to undo 40 years of my life & way of thinking & feeling.

I know this isn’t exactly the post I was planning on doing but…evidently I had more to say than I thought & even if it veered a bit off topic it wasn’t too far.  This is not aimed at anyone…even after i turned it more personal…it’s just about various things that have happened in mine & my friends’ lives in the last few weeks.  They’ve made me do alot of thinking & this is the result.

Something having nothing to do with submission here

This is just going to be because I need to get this off my chest.  Has nothing to do with my submission but something else very near & dear to my heart so feel free not to read it if you don’t want to.

Over the last few days, my son & I have both been on WoW alot.  And I have come to a conclusion…especially after going thru a battleground this morning & watching him go thru a dungeon with a friend of mine not long after.  People are effing stupid.  Completely, totally, amazingly, blindingly stupid.  It scares me just how many people are in fact.  I know this is a common bitch when it comes to MMORPGs & especially WoW but doesn’t make it any less annoying to me.  People just flat-out piss me the f*ck off sometimes.

Some jackass today told us to get some gear & learn how to do a battleground before we qued for 1…it was an entry-level battleground so where the hell else can you learn to do 1 without starting at the starting level?  I mean bloody f*cking hell what kind of bleeding eejit tells you that kind of stuff?  Learn to do something without actually doing it?  Now that’s the words of a true genius.  I’m in awe at his staggering intellect I tell you.  For people like that we need a new gesture/emote whichever you want to call it.  We need a super rude gesture…where you either give the f*cker the finger or else have 1 where you can slap that mother f*cker right upside their stupid assed heads & really let them know how you feel about them.

Then the idiots in dungeons…*shakes head*.  If you actually try to do the quests in most dungeons…those same quests that everyone says you need to do to get gear remember…you get yelled at for being too slow or just flat-out left behind because you’re not zipping along behind the insane tank who pulls every f*cking thing in the world & wipes the whole group.  Or your tank is great but your healer is new or just flat-out sucks…which new is 1 thing & I’m not about to bitch about that considering I’ve been there…but just flat-out not doing your job & letting everyone die while you giggle is something else entirely.  Even worse are the idiots who think it’s funny to pull everything & then acts like it’s everyone else’s fault but theirs.

Then there’s the ones…in battlegrounds or dungeons or even just questing…where someone makes an honest mistake…usually because you’ve gotten left behind again…& gets reamed for not only making the mistake but admitting to it.  So they either tell you that you’re stupid or can’t play or just flat-out kick you instead of someone bothering to tell you how to help or fix it, or avoid doing it again in the future.  Of course that opens a whole new can of worms because some people are so damned good they don’t need any f*cking help & are perfect so they curse & call you names for bothering to help them…just because you’re pointing out to someone that they’re less than the perfect paragon they like to think that they are.  Making you feel either stupid for trying to help or like a bleeding fool for thinking their might be decent players still out there.

All this means that the few people who do try to be decent…by my own admission may not be the best player but does at least try & learn & get better…we’re ignored or yelled at or called names & not only are afraid to ask for help but are too scared of someone else’s reaction to offer anyone else any help.  It’s bullshit & it just needs to stop already.  No 1 is perfect & it’s crap to expect everyone in the world to be that way.  Just because you don’t actually kill someone in these games doesn’t mean there’s not a real person who can get hurt behind the keyboard.  So Restor…this rant is for you & your shining example of good sportsmanship in WoW this morning.  Thank you for making my relaxing time ever so much more enjoyable with your winning personality & your amazing ability to teach & encourage your fellow game players…I hope you help many more people just like you did me today.

Hmpfh

As i’m sitting here playing Greedy with Arial, we’re talking about the men in our lives & Valentine’s Day.  As it is, earlier I told her partner on SL just how I was planning on spending my Valentine’s Day.  And he didn’t like my plans 1 little bit.  Because as it stands right now…I’m going to completely unplug for Valentine’s Day.  No Skype, no phone, no email, no SL, no Yahoo, no nothing.  The way things are going…I’d rather just disappear because that way I won’t get hurt or disappointed.  And that’s the last thing I need right now.  I mean Valentine’s Day was bad enough  when I was single.  But now I’m far from it & I honestly have no faith in that day being anything but bad.  Not only am I stuck at work all day that day, but…even my kid doesn’t seem to be interested in making plans for that day or night.  It would take a miracle for it to turn out good so maybe it’s best if I avoid it all together.  With 1 man…he gives me plenty every single day.  And I don’t want him to have to deal with the overemotional woman I’m afraid I’ll be that day.  And the other man…well…all I can really say there is…I miss my boyfriend.  Things were going so well then about 3 wks ago…I don’t know what happened but…they changed…& I miss him alot.  I would give anything for something special on Valentine’s but since I just don’t have that much hope right now…be better all the way around to hide from it.  Not mature I know but…I don’t want to be hurt & I sure don’t want to hurt anyone else in the process so I just don’t know what else to do.  My boyfriend has disappeared leaving some distant, standoffish, closed off person in his place, & My Master…I’m supposed to please him & I honestly don’t know if I can do it that night so instead of hoping for the best I’ll take the coward’s way out for the first time in a long time.  Maybe I’ll be surprised but…not holding out any false hopes.  So good luck to everyone that day…hope that some of you at least really get to enjoy it.

Just came to a realization

Earlier this morning, I did a battleground with my kid in WoW & sitting here just now, thinking about it, I realized something. My submission…helped me be able to do that. Before I’d get so mad & frustrated all I could do was scream at the computer & finally ragequit cause it pissed me off so badly. Today tho, I laughed it off every time I died. No stress, no frustration…none of the normal I have doing battlegrounds. And I think it has alot to do with me being able to more easily relinquish control thanks to My Master & being his. In this case, it was easier to just accept what happened & not worry about it or take it personally so I guess I owe him a big thanks for that…even tho I doubt if either of us had any clue it would help me in that way.