Home » Feelings » My life as of this moment…

My life as of this moment…

Before I even get into this, I’m going to put a disclaimer on here that this is not pointed at anyone…it’s just said because I wanted to get this off my chest.  It honestly has nothing to do with anyone & it’s all just how I feel about things that have happened so please…don’t be upset or hurt because I promise it’s not about anyone but me.

I have come to a few harsh realizations in the past few days.  I have decided that…what I wanted more than anything as a little girl…is probably just not in the cards for me.  I’m never going to have a big wedding with all the people…the decorations…the dress…the husband…those are all things that I’m never going to have…in rl or SL.  And while I wouldn’t change a thing about how things are going now, I can’t help but grieve for that 1 dream that I’m never going to have come true.  I will never get to be wear my fairytale gown I sadly already have picked out…& that is something I am just going to have to learn to live with.

The reason this has come up is because my best friend & I both…who got back on SL just a couple of months ago…have had our lives turned upside down in those couple of months & have done almost everything that we’d said we weren’t going to do this time around.  She is now partnered…happily…& I am in relationships with 2 different men.  Something I never would’ve imagined me doing when I got back onto SL.  I’m not complaining at all…as I don’t know what I’d do without either of them…but fact remains…in SL…they’d both met someone else first & since I came along second…I don’t expect or want them to ever choose or even feel like they need to choose because they don’t.  I honestly am happy with the way things are…despite what alot of people think…since I’ve been told more than once that I either should wait & have faith & hope that they’ll see they need me more eventually…or that I shouldn’t let them use me this way…when that’s the last thing that either of them are doing.

The both of them care about me in their ways.  It may not be love with 1 of them but…he values me for who I am…he has faith that I’ll discover what I can be…& the patience to help me get from 1 to the other…all while doing his best to make sure I know how happy he is to have me in his life.  And the other 1…he loves me…what else can a girl ask for?  He has seen me at some of my darkest, least flattering moments…& still says he loves me so how could i ever complain?  Only an idiot would ask either of them to choose & give up what I could only dream of having even just 6 short months ago.  If it costs me 1 childhood dream…then I guess I can live with that even as I mourn it.

I also have realized that I can sometimes overthink things to death.  My submission lately has been a prime example of that.  In trying to be the perfect submissive…I have been straining & trying & getting frustrated & annoyed because i can’t do it as perfectly as I want it.  But today I was thinking & realized…I don’t have to get it as perfectly as I want it…if My Master is happy & pleased with me then I’ve achieved my goal whether I feel like I have or not.  So from now on I’m going to be…his…not try to be the submissive I think I can be.  As long as he thinks I’m doing good…then I am.  *chuckles* let’s just hope that I can put that thought into practice.

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