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I’m amazed

Over the last few days, I’ve been thinking about alot of things & have come to a decision…I’m amazed at how fragile yet resilient the human pysche is.  You can go thru almost the pits of hell itself & yet still believe in at least your version of happily ever after.  I feel for people who aren’t able to see that things will be better…because as hard as it can be sometimes to believe…no matter how bad it may feel right now things will eventually work out…even if only for a little while.  Because for anyone to have to live & not have any kind of hope or dream or even an optimistic thought…that’s just no way to live.  I’m lucky enough to be surrounded by people who continually help me see the best in them, the best in people in general, & most of all the best in myself which is always the hardest to see by far.

I’ve also realized that I’ve changed alot just in the last 6 months. I feel so far removed from that broken person I was even at the beginning at the end of last year that it amazes me to remember how I felt…how I was so sure that things were never going to get better…that that was the life I was meant to live no matter how much I wanted it to be better. And now…I’ve got the chance to prove that to myself.  If only I can get past the fear I always feel when things get going well in my life. As I sit here trying to write this right now…having 1 hell of a panic attack…at least for me.  My chest is tight…it’s hard to breathe…I feel like I’m going to be sick…all because of this huge overwhelming fear I feel when trying to say things.  So I guess i’ll start off saying the easier of the 2 things I wanted to say & hope that maybe I can say the other after I’m done.

For one thing…I’ve learned how important communication can be. Over the last few days, fear almost ruined a very important relationship of mine.  Thankfully…with some of my friends’ help…I decided to take the chance…face the fear…& talk to the person in question about it.  And since then…things have been fine again.  I realize now it was my fault for letting it get as bad as I felt it had gotten…& for putting myself thru hell just because I was scared not only of the way I was feeling but of talking to someone else about it…because of what they might think of me. So I thank everyone for all the patience they showed me this weekend…especially to the person involved.  I’m happy to have him in my life…he has made it a better place & has helped me like no other man ever has. He supports me no matter what…& he likes me just as I am…& values everything about me that makes me well…me.  Even when I’m annoyed & frustrated at myself…or being annoying & stubborn..he still likes me for me.  And that’s 1 of the greatest things you can do for another person.

Which leads me to the biggest part of this post.  I met this man not too long ago…in a spot on SL you definitely don’t go to meet new people at.  We started our rp…he even waited thru me crashing to start it…then things happened in the middle of it where he had to leave…but he made sure to friend me before he logged out so that we could finish it another time.  Much to my surprise, he messaged me the next night to chat & well…we ended up getting into another rp scene which ended up lasting until 3am.  Even more to my surprise  he ended up messaging me later that afternoon when I was on, & asking me if I had woke up & gotten to work on time since I’d told him I had to get up for work 2 & a half hours after I’d gotten offline.  We ended up chatting about whatever came to mind…& have chatted almost every day since…about pretty much anything & everything under the sun.

Then on the day after Christmas…we had a long talk…about all sorts of things. I realize now I was a total idiot for not seeing it sooner but…I honestly had no idea.  Because as we were talking about my past relationships & how I’d ended up being collared by My Master…he told about some of his past relationships which led me to ask if he believed in love at first sight…especially after the way he described 1 of those relationships.  That led to us talking about love & fate & everything else where finally he told me he was going to tell me the truth about something. And the 2 minutes that I sat there, waiting to see what he was going to say…they must’ve lasted a dozen years because I didn’t think they’d ever be over. And as soon as he said that & started talking…it hit me like a truck…I did not want this to be the end because I couldn’t imagine not talking to him ever again…him saying that he was glad I’d come back to SL not wanting to get involved with anyone because that ws exactly how he felt & was glad he’d found someone else who didn’t  want to be with anyone any more than he did.  I literally sat here praying that he wouldn’t smack me in the forehead with a big assed whammy & all I can say is thank you because my prayers were answered. Instead…he told me he loved me…which while unexpected was good because honestly…I knew by my reaction while waiting for his comment I felt something too.

After we finished our confessions…we both decided to hold back as much as we could & to take it as slow as we could. I wasn’t sure what I was feeling was love anyway because to me…I’ve always thought of the big romantic love that just smacks you out of the blue 1 day…not realizing that me praying about the whammy was it smacking me in the head.  I’ve done alot of thinking in the almost 2 weeks since that happened…even going so far as to look online at sites about how to know you’re in love. And I found 1 this morning…after doing alot of thinking on the bus runs this morning…& after reading it…yeah…I am in love with him….what I feel really is love.  It may not be the big fancy shiny love that little girls & boys dream about & they show in movies but it’s love nonetheless. I think about him all the time, it nearly killed me to think I might lose him or he might not care about me like I do him, he accepts everything about me & makes me want to be a better person so he can be proud of the woman he says he loves, I can tell him anything & never worry what he might think about it because I know even if he doesn’t understand, he’ll either try to or at least respect my feelings & try to help me with them, with him I feel like I can do anything & be anything but that I don’t have to be anything but me because he loves me just the way I am…all of those things made me realize that I do love him even tho I wasn’t sure about it till just a little while ago.  But when I was on the bus this morning…I realized it & just had to come home to search so I could double check myself & make sure I wasn’t seeing something there that I wanted to be there but wasn’t…because I’m not.  And I will be eternally grateful to him for being the brave 1…the first to message me again after that first failed roleplay…the first 1 to tell me he loved me…& for having the patience to wait for me to figure out what he already knew.  Thank you so much for that…you’ll never know how much it means.

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