As I’m sitting here waiting…

I’m downloading WoW right now on the laptop for my son since that was his birthday present, & since it is downloading…i can’t do much else which means I’ve been catching up on my TV & thinking…probably way too much for my own good but then what’s new right?  Seems to be 1 of my favorite pastimes anymore.  It started with a couple of talks I’ve had with my supervisor lately.  I realized I’ve come a long way in the last 4-6 weeks…alot longer than I’d realized till he helped me see just how far I’d come.  Plus I’ve been talking to a friend of mine alot & he’s been doing his part to help me figure things out as well.  But sitting here today…having nothing to keep my occupied…I realized that I think my whole problem the last few days is that I’m unsure…about everything.  About my life, the way it’s going, about the people in it, my willpower & strength, my feelings…I’m unsure about so much right now it’s making me cranky & whiny & it’s getting to the point where i’m either going to get needy & clingy, or just start close myself off.  I hate having this need to understand everything…have it all in black & white because I know that most of what is driving me the most nuts…there is no black & white so there’s no way to know.  And that knowledge just seems to make things worse.I would give just about anything to figure out what’s going on but since I can’t…all I can do right now is try to hold on till my life feels more stable & less iffy & unsure & hope I don’t do anything stupid in the meantime.  Which…speaking of…I got a big surprise on the way home today.  I climbed into the truck & got almost a block home before I realized I still had my coat on.  Which means that even tho the scale says I’ve gained & I feel all icky…I had to’ve lost some weight so woot me.  The 1 good thing about today so far so I can just hope I can keep it going. *chuckles*

My life as of this moment…

Before I even get into this, I’m going to put a disclaimer on here that this is not pointed at anyone…it’s just said because I wanted to get this off my chest.  It honestly has nothing to do with anyone & it’s all just how I feel about things that have happened so please…don’t be upset or hurt because I promise it’s not about anyone but me.

I have come to a few harsh realizations in the past few days.  I have decided that…what I wanted more than anything as a little girl…is probably just not in the cards for me.  I’m never going to have a big wedding with all the people…the decorations…the dress…the husband…those are all things that I’m never going to have…in rl or SL.  And while I wouldn’t change a thing about how things are going now, I can’t help but grieve for that 1 dream that I’m never going to have come true.  I will never get to be wear my fairytale gown I sadly already have picked out…& that is something I am just going to have to learn to live with.

The reason this has come up is because my best friend & I both…who got back on SL just a couple of months ago…have had our lives turned upside down in those couple of months & have done almost everything that we’d said we weren’t going to do this time around.  She is now partnered…happily…& I am in relationships with 2 different men.  Something I never would’ve imagined me doing when I got back onto SL.  I’m not complaining at all…as I don’t know what I’d do without either of them…but fact remains…in SL…they’d both met someone else first & since I came along second…I don’t expect or want them to ever choose or even feel like they need to choose because they don’t.  I honestly am happy with the way things are…despite what alot of people think…since I’ve been told more than once that I either should wait & have faith & hope that they’ll see they need me more eventually…or that I shouldn’t let them use me this way…when that’s the last thing that either of them are doing.

The both of them care about me in their ways.  It may not be love with 1 of them but…he values me for who I am…he has faith that I’ll discover what I can be…& the patience to help me get from 1 to the other…all while doing his best to make sure I know how happy he is to have me in his life.  And the other 1…he loves me…what else can a girl ask for?  He has seen me at some of my darkest, least flattering moments…& still says he loves me so how could i ever complain?  Only an idiot would ask either of them to choose & give up what I could only dream of having even just 6 short months ago.  If it costs me 1 childhood dream…then I guess I can live with that even as I mourn it.

I also have realized that I can sometimes overthink things to death.  My submission lately has been a prime example of that.  In trying to be the perfect submissive…I have been straining & trying & getting frustrated & annoyed because i can’t do it as perfectly as I want it.  But today I was thinking & realized…I don’t have to get it as perfectly as I want it…if My Master is happy & pleased with me then I’ve achieved my goal whether I feel like I have or not.  So from now on I’m going to be…his…not try to be the submissive I think I can be.  As long as he thinks I’m doing good…then I am.  *chuckles* let’s just hope that I can put that thought into practice.

I just realized something about my dominant side

Was sitting here talking to Arial when I realized something.  I had been reading blogs, thinking about what kind of submissive I was & how it happened when I suddenly had a streak of stubborn I guess you could call it.  She’s having issues & I finally told her that she needed to eat or I was gonna nag nag nag until she did it or hung up on me & that’s when it hit me.  I am dominant…still very much so…it’s just my dominant side has always come out more as caring or mothering than typical Mistress type domination.  Yes…I can be a hard ass when needed but only when I care about the person in question & want them to do something for their own good.  And then…yes…I can be 1 hell of a stubborn bitch if I don’t get my way.  So I may not be dominant in the traditional manner but the more open I get to my submissiveness…the more I realize my dominant side is coming thru in other situations.

Which brings me to why I think when I choose to be submissive to someone…I do it so completely.  I was raised to make everyone happy…that’s just the way I was brought up & have never totally lost it.  And since for me…being submissive to someone is making sure I please them…which pleases me in the process…it works out perfectly.  I want him to be happy, to please him, to make him proud of me.  I think that is the biggest thing for me.  I want My Master to be proud of me.  I guess having suffered so much disappointment in my life…knowing that someone is proud of something I’ve done…of some task I’ve completed…of what & who I am…it seems selfish but at the same time it’s what drives my need to submit.  I want to submit to him because I know that’s what he wants from me…& what he wants is what I want.  He has given me the power to accept myself more than anyone else ever has & for that I can never repay him.  All I can do is do my best to fulfill his desires & to make him proud to own me.

 

Word association submission style

Got this in my email this morning as some of the weekly journal prompts & thought that maybe it’d be something interesting to do.

What words do you associate immediately with the following words?
fear – pain, hurt, darkness
doubt – feelings
kneel- submit
submit – give
deprivation – past
responsible – parent
brainwash – no
collar – peace, contentment, valued
tears – fear
complete – submitting, love
accountability – responsibility
isolation – life
authority – parent

An interesting idea

I got this in my email the other day & thought it was an interesting idea.  Tho I am going to use SL names for the ones that count…even down to my alt because anyone how matters knows who it is right now & even if he won’t be reading this he deserves some credit.  I subscribe to a page called Submissive Journal Prompts, & this was 1 of them a couple of weeks ago.  And for some reason…right now seems like a good time to do it since at the point in time when I originally got it I was still in the process of figuring out wtf was going on & if I was half crazy or not.  So here goes nothing *laughs*.

List 5 people you know — In 100 words or less tell them how thankful you are to them for something.  The only 1 who is in a special order is the last & that’s because he’s the most important always.

Arial – because you are there no matter what even when we both think the other is stupid…even tho long minutes just breathing to each other are more than most people ever have so thank you for all of it…for you being you & for letting me be me.

Fox – Because even if I let him break my heart…I wouldn’t be where I am now without him so for that alone he deserves 1 hell of a batch of thanks even if he’ll never know what he did for me by proving what a lousy friend he really was.

Storm – you have helped me be something I never thought I could be…calm, at peace with myself, able to fully give myself to someone else with no second thoughts or reservations, actually working on accepting my feminine side…you have given me something no 1 else ever has & that’s the ability to accept myself the way that I am & not regret for a single second who I am.

Webnix – you accept me for me & love me just the way I am…were the brave 1 to say it first & help me realize I felt the same way…& had the patience to wait for me to fight my fears to be able to say I love you back to you & know I really mean it. All you want from me is for me to be happy & by feeling that way, you help make me just that.

And lastly “Alexis” – You’ll never read this but I want to thank you for being the miracle to come into my life & change it in ways I never could’ve imagined.  You have helped me in ways you’ll never know or understand & can’t even begin to imagine, & I can’t imagine my life without you in it.  And I can just hope you’re as glad to have me in yours as I am to have you in mine.  You are my miracle & never forget it.

And that’s my thank you list…I know I left alot of people out but at this very moment these are the 5 top in my head so please don’t be upset if you’re not on here because believe me…just because i didn’t put you in this list doesn’t mean you’re not important…just means that I only had so much space & the first 5 that popped in my head got their chance lol.

I’m amazed

Over the last few days, I’ve been thinking about alot of things & have come to a decision…I’m amazed at how fragile yet resilient the human pysche is.  You can go thru almost the pits of hell itself & yet still believe in at least your version of happily ever after.  I feel for people who aren’t able to see that things will be better…because as hard as it can be sometimes to believe…no matter how bad it may feel right now things will eventually work out…even if only for a little while.  Because for anyone to have to live & not have any kind of hope or dream or even an optimistic thought…that’s just no way to live.  I’m lucky enough to be surrounded by people who continually help me see the best in them, the best in people in general, & most of all the best in myself which is always the hardest to see by far.

I’ve also realized that I’ve changed alot just in the last 6 months. I feel so far removed from that broken person I was even at the beginning at the end of last year that it amazes me to remember how I felt…how I was so sure that things were never going to get better…that that was the life I was meant to live no matter how much I wanted it to be better. And now…I’ve got the chance to prove that to myself.  If only I can get past the fear I always feel when things get going well in my life. As I sit here trying to write this right now…having 1 hell of a panic attack…at least for me.  My chest is tight…it’s hard to breathe…I feel like I’m going to be sick…all because of this huge overwhelming fear I feel when trying to say things.  So I guess i’ll start off saying the easier of the 2 things I wanted to say & hope that maybe I can say the other after I’m done.

For one thing…I’ve learned how important communication can be. Over the last few days, fear almost ruined a very important relationship of mine.  Thankfully…with some of my friends’ help…I decided to take the chance…face the fear…& talk to the person in question about it.  And since then…things have been fine again.  I realize now it was my fault for letting it get as bad as I felt it had gotten…& for putting myself thru hell just because I was scared not only of the way I was feeling but of talking to someone else about it…because of what they might think of me. So I thank everyone for all the patience they showed me this weekend…especially to the person involved.  I’m happy to have him in my life…he has made it a better place & has helped me like no other man ever has. He supports me no matter what…& he likes me just as I am…& values everything about me that makes me well…me.  Even when I’m annoyed & frustrated at myself…or being annoying & stubborn..he still likes me for me.  And that’s 1 of the greatest things you can do for another person.

Which leads me to the biggest part of this post.  I met this man not too long ago…in a spot on SL you definitely don’t go to meet new people at.  We started our rp…he even waited thru me crashing to start it…then things happened in the middle of it where he had to leave…but he made sure to friend me before he logged out so that we could finish it another time.  Much to my surprise, he messaged me the next night to chat & well…we ended up getting into another rp scene which ended up lasting until 3am.  Even more to my surprise  he ended up messaging me later that afternoon when I was on, & asking me if I had woke up & gotten to work on time since I’d told him I had to get up for work 2 & a half hours after I’d gotten offline.  We ended up chatting about whatever came to mind…& have chatted almost every day since…about pretty much anything & everything under the sun.

Then on the day after Christmas…we had a long talk…about all sorts of things. I realize now I was a total idiot for not seeing it sooner but…I honestly had no idea.  Because as we were talking about my past relationships & how I’d ended up being collared by My Master…he told about some of his past relationships which led me to ask if he believed in love at first sight…especially after the way he described 1 of those relationships.  That led to us talking about love & fate & everything else where finally he told me he was going to tell me the truth about something. And the 2 minutes that I sat there, waiting to see what he was going to say…they must’ve lasted a dozen years because I didn’t think they’d ever be over. And as soon as he said that & started talking…it hit me like a truck…I did not want this to be the end because I couldn’t imagine not talking to him ever again…him saying that he was glad I’d come back to SL not wanting to get involved with anyone because that ws exactly how he felt & was glad he’d found someone else who didn’t  want to be with anyone any more than he did.  I literally sat here praying that he wouldn’t smack me in the forehead with a big assed whammy & all I can say is thank you because my prayers were answered. Instead…he told me he loved me…which while unexpected was good because honestly…I knew by my reaction while waiting for his comment I felt something too.

After we finished our confessions…we both decided to hold back as much as we could & to take it as slow as we could. I wasn’t sure what I was feeling was love anyway because to me…I’ve always thought of the big romantic love that just smacks you out of the blue 1 day…not realizing that me praying about the whammy was it smacking me in the head.  I’ve done alot of thinking in the almost 2 weeks since that happened…even going so far as to look online at sites about how to know you’re in love. And I found 1 this morning…after doing alot of thinking on the bus runs this morning…& after reading it…yeah…I am in love with him….what I feel really is love.  It may not be the big fancy shiny love that little girls & boys dream about & they show in movies but it’s love nonetheless. I think about him all the time, it nearly killed me to think I might lose him or he might not care about me like I do him, he accepts everything about me & makes me want to be a better person so he can be proud of the woman he says he loves, I can tell him anything & never worry what he might think about it because I know even if he doesn’t understand, he’ll either try to or at least respect my feelings & try to help me with them, with him I feel like I can do anything & be anything but that I don’t have to be anything but me because he loves me just the way I am…all of those things made me realize that I do love him even tho I wasn’t sure about it till just a little while ago.  But when I was on the bus this morning…I realized it & just had to come home to search so I could double check myself & make sure I wasn’t seeing something there that I wanted to be there but wasn’t…because I’m not.  And I will be eternally grateful to him for being the brave 1…the first to message me again after that first failed roleplay…the first 1 to tell me he loved me…& for having the patience to wait for me to figure out what he already knew.  Thank you so much for that…you’ll never know how much it means.

I’m in love with this song

I have been listening to the new One Direction CD I got for Christmas & have decided I am in love with their first single from it.  It’s called Little Things & I know how many people dislike them & boy bands but this is just 1 of the sweetest songs I’ve ever heard.

First verse –
Your hand fits in mine
Like it’s made just for me
But bear this in mind
It was meant to be
And I’m joining up the dots with the freckles on your cheeks
And it all makes sense to me

Chorus
I won’t let these little things slip out of my mouth
But if I do
It’s you
Oh, it’s you they add up to
I’m in love with you
And all these little things

If those are not the sweetest things anyone could ever say or sing to someone else I don’t know what it is.  I mean the rest of the song is great too just for me…those are the best parts.  To me…that is love & romance.  Flowers are great once in a while & so are presents…but to love someone flaws & all & not be ashamed about it…to just want to touch them even if only holding hands…to find that is an amazing thing that most people never get & this song just makes everyone else feel like they just might get that chance.  It fits with a couple of my favorite quotes I use on my profile in SL

Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who lays under the stars & listens to your heartbeat, or stays awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the 1 who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you’re just as pretty without makeup on. 1 who constantly reminds you of how much he cares & how lucky he is to have YOU. The 1 who turns to his friends & says, “thats her”

A guy out there was meant to be the love of your life, your best friend, your soul mate, the one you can tell your dreams to. He’ll smile at you, but he’ll never laugh at your heart. He’ll brush the hair out of your eyes…send you flowers when you least expect it…stare at you during the movies even tho he paid to see it. He’ll call to say goodnight or just cause he’s thinking of you. He’ll look in your eyes & tell you you’re the most beautiful girl in the world & for the 1st time you’ll believe it

That to me is how love should feel.  If I’m wrong then I guess I’ll be wrong alone won’t I?  *laughs* But here’s hoping we all find this kind of love & are smart enough & lucky enough to keep it.

Happy New Year!!

And even better…for once I can actually say it & mean it.  I have been so blessed this year I can’t even begin to thank everyone for it.  I have a good job, great people that I work with, my son has been diagnosed with ADHD but since we finally have a name to all the issues he’s had in school…it was his first report card in almost 3 years with not only not a single F on it but an A & 4 B’s.  He’s getting along better with people, having less issues with his teachers…I’m just thrilled that he finally doesn’t hate having to go to school every morning.  I also survived a serious health scare & think I am finally past it…as long as I’m careful & don’t make the same stupid mistakes again. It’s been good money-wise & friends-wise & I couldn’t possibly ask for more…but yet that’s exactly what I got.  Because I have had the amazing good luck to met 2 men who…i can’t imagine my life without right now.

Both of them own me…but in different ways.  The first…with him…i am as i was meant to be.  There’s been a connection there almost since the first moment we talked.  When i’m with him…there’s no worries, no fears, no stress, no masks, no walls, no holding back on anything.  i am free to be the woman i didn’t even know that i could be until i met him.  When i’m with him i have strength, peace, patience, grace…everything i never imagined i have inside me…i have all of that when i’m with him.  And being able to be completely open…not withholding anything…is why I can have all those things…& is why i can give him all the passion & desire & need & want & submission that he wants from me.  i am eternally grateful for him being in my life…accepting me like no other man has ever accepted me before him & i can never repay him enough for all that he’s given me…i can just hope that i’m pleasing enough to make up for it. i am his…his slave…his pet…his wanton kitteh…for just as long as he’ll have me.

The other man…he owns me as well.  We’re like a puzzle that fits together…with him as the mind & me as the heart & so much else between so alike it’s almost scary.  I’d be lost if I lost him…a piece gone that I would never get back.  It’s something deep & strong & so solid…it’s like it’s always been there & within minutes of meeting him I wanted to be his.  I thought at first it was my submissive side responding to his dominant side but after doing alot of thinking & talking since then…I think  it was just him I was responding to.  I haven’t known him long enough for it to be what I consider the big forever kind of love but whatever type of love it is…I don’t want to be without it & I don’t want to be without him.  We trust each other, can be completely honest without ever feeling like we’re going to be judged, we understand each other, we both have our dominant & submissive sides that seem to compliment each other…I could go on & on but it boils down to the fact that I feel better for having him in my life & with me.  And I can just hope that it gets better over time as we continue to get to know each other even better.  Because he is mine & I am his & neither of us can imagine being anything else.

Plus may I also add that I do have the best friends I could ever ask for.  Thank you…all of you…for everything.  I hope everyone out there who reads this has as good of a new year as my last has ended up being & is as blessed as I am to have all that I have in my life.