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The past & how it bites you in the arse

Can you ever really pick up the pieces when your entire being gets shattered…or at least feels that way?  Is there really a way to either put them back together or make new ones to fit the holes left by the old pieces & it all fit back together the way it did before?  I don’t think that’s even possible.  There are always going to be cracks & weak spots…especially where you try to marry the old & new together.  When you give someone your heart & your soul & everything between…it hurts most people.  But I had no clue how to deal with it as I hadn’t had enough experience with people to have a clue & it broke me in so many ways & places that I almost lost everything while trying to ignore what had happened to me & how I felt.  Almost lost my best friend because of it, lost another good friend because I couldn’t stop feeling how I felt tho looking back I don’t think i lost as good of a friend as I’d thought if he could let go like he did.  I wanted nothing but for the pain to go away so I did everything I could think of to avoid it.  Which is how I ended up with a fake bullshit Master who just wanted to control people & even after he knew it bothered me tried to play with my best friend who I hid how much it bothered me from because I didn’t want her to get upset…finally…I had to get out of that mess & she & I ended up not talking for a couple of months or so because we both made alts & went into hiding.  We eventually started talking again…she was the brave 1 & tracked me down & I am eternally grateful that she was the bigger woman & did that because I’m not sure I ever could’ve before it was too late.

I ended up getting back on SL but it wasn’t the same.  By then I knew that my first love on there…it was done.  And the 2nd guy to really get past my wall…he’d already broken so many rules I didn’t even want to think of him.  I’d tried so hard but nothing I could do was ever enough & he’d ended up doing things to me that no man should ever do to a woman he’d claimed to feel anything at all for…& i felt like it was my fault for the longest time even tho I know now it wasn’t.  So I ended up marrying my own alt &having a baby with him because I couldn’t imagine trying to have a real relationship with anyone ever again.  And that’s why I finally left SL for over 2 yrs…because I just couldn’t trust anyone…most of all myself.

I stayed out of SL & honestly pretty much out of anything but WOW for the next couple of years  where I did make a few friends but nothing even close to romantic as the closest person was 20 when I met him to my 38 & both agreed it was too much of a difference let alone the distance.  I do love him to death tho as he did alot to help me start trusting people again tho I don’t know if he ever realized how much he helped me or not…I’m still grateful for it.  By this time I was flirting around in RL even if only with friends & people I already knew,but I was making alot of progress or at least it felt like it.

Then not long ago, my best friend decided she was getting back into SL since she too had left not too long after I had.  Well, she was on maybe a couple of weeks when she started asking me if I wanted to get on & play Greedy so finally i agreed because I couldn’t see what it would hurt.  And I think that was the best thing I ever could’ve done. I have met some wonderful people…even if some are annoying at times…& right now thanks to a few select ones…i feel more grounded & content & happy & centered in my life than I ever remember feeling before.  I never imagined that it could be this easy or natural to be happy.  problem is, I’m not quite as past the past as I thought because now I’m wondering if I’m going to screw things up by getting paranoid & scared & getting too clingy or needy or even worse…not getting signals that are there & not only missing out on something but hurting someone else like I was…something I never want to do.  Most of the time I am fine but there’s certain times…especially when waiting at the meat market for some attention…which I only do to meet people since I know I need more experience with other people…when I feel the old insecurities trying to creep back in.  I know that I’m just fine the way I am because my friends say so & the only other 1 I should worry about pleasing is happy with me…but it still pops up & plays havoc in my head. And I know everyone has that but by the time they’re my age most people have learned to deal with it whereas I’m still finding my way.  Thankfully I had a long talk last night with a mutual friend of me & D & he helped me out alot.  Helped me see that things are just fine right now the way they are & to not worry about what may happen farther down the road…& helped me really believe it was true.

Which leads me to 1 more thing.  I want to thank My Master in SL for everything he has done. I know I’ve said it before but after the talk last night I want to say it again. He has accepted me the way that I am, & who I am inside & out…cares about me & values me for everything that I am…& he’s never even met the real me just knows me thru a cartoon on a game. And for that & so much more…I count myself blessed to have met him & value each moment of time we have together even if it’s only sitting together & chatting.  For as long as you want I am happily yours…any & all of of me that you want My Master I will give you.

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