Maybe I’ve been wrong all this time

I’m starting to wonder if maybe I’ve been wrong all this time I’ve been thinking I wanted a Dom or a Master.  Maybe all I need is a dominant man who treats me like a treasure…something to value & hold dear…a thing of beauty even if only to him…but still as a woman…another human being with feelings & needs & desires & wants the same as anyone else.  Maybe I’m just wanting the impossible but over the last few days, some things have come to light that have made me reconsider what I really need to be happy.

I do love the feeling I get when i am completely in the submissive zone.  I’m just afraid it comes with too many other strings or maybe I was just too naive & blind to see them before now.  Or maybe i’m just too dominant even when being submissive to do things that a normal submissive or slave wouldn’t even think twice about.  or maybe it’s because to me…submission is more in the mind & behavior…than in any external trappings.  To me…being someone’s sub…being his…is giving all I have to give to them.  Not just my body but my mind, my soul, & eventually my heart as well…to be the woman he should care about who wants nothing more than for me to be as happy as I make.  I am something that most men will never have…someone who devotes themselves to him, takes care of him, wants the best for him, & will do whatever she can to please him & makes sure he is happy, & all she wants in return from him is the same trust & respect & depth of feeling she has for him.

That is what it means to me to be submissive to me.  I mean the sex can be completely amazing but…it’s not everything…it’s just a bonus.  To want to be theirs…either because he by virtue of who he is made me want to serve or because being his is all I can imagine being…that is what matters to me.  All I can do is do what I can to please them & hope to make few mistakes or disappoint somehow.  Because to me..submission is more a state of mind…of being just the way i was meant to be…& anything else is just useless crap & i’d hate to cheat any of us by ever thinking anything different.

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The past & how it bites you in the arse

Can you ever really pick up the pieces when your entire being gets shattered…or at least feels that way?  Is there really a way to either put them back together or make new ones to fit the holes left by the old pieces & it all fit back together the way it did before?  I don’t think that’s even possible.  There are always going to be cracks & weak spots…especially where you try to marry the old & new together.  When you give someone your heart & your soul & everything between…it hurts most people.  But I had no clue how to deal with it as I hadn’t had enough experience with people to have a clue & it broke me in so many ways & places that I almost lost everything while trying to ignore what had happened to me & how I felt.  Almost lost my best friend because of it, lost another good friend because I couldn’t stop feeling how I felt tho looking back I don’t think i lost as good of a friend as I’d thought if he could let go like he did.  I wanted nothing but for the pain to go away so I did everything I could think of to avoid it.  Which is how I ended up with a fake bullshit Master who just wanted to control people & even after he knew it bothered me tried to play with my best friend who I hid how much it bothered me from because I didn’t want her to get upset…finally…I had to get out of that mess & she & I ended up not talking for a couple of months or so because we both made alts & went into hiding.  We eventually started talking again…she was the brave 1 & tracked me down & I am eternally grateful that she was the bigger woman & did that because I’m not sure I ever could’ve before it was too late.

I ended up getting back on SL but it wasn’t the same.  By then I knew that my first love on there…it was done.  And the 2nd guy to really get past my wall…he’d already broken so many rules I didn’t even want to think of him.  I’d tried so hard but nothing I could do was ever enough & he’d ended up doing things to me that no man should ever do to a woman he’d claimed to feel anything at all for…& i felt like it was my fault for the longest time even tho I know now it wasn’t.  So I ended up marrying my own alt &having a baby with him because I couldn’t imagine trying to have a real relationship with anyone ever again.  And that’s why I finally left SL for over 2 yrs…because I just couldn’t trust anyone…most of all myself.

I stayed out of SL & honestly pretty much out of anything but WOW for the next couple of years  where I did make a few friends but nothing even close to romantic as the closest person was 20 when I met him to my 38 & both agreed it was too much of a difference let alone the distance.  I do love him to death tho as he did alot to help me start trusting people again tho I don’t know if he ever realized how much he helped me or not…I’m still grateful for it.  By this time I was flirting around in RL even if only with friends & people I already knew,but I was making alot of progress or at least it felt like it.

Then not long ago, my best friend decided she was getting back into SL since she too had left not too long after I had.  Well, she was on maybe a couple of weeks when she started asking me if I wanted to get on & play Greedy so finally i agreed because I couldn’t see what it would hurt.  And I think that was the best thing I ever could’ve done. I have met some wonderful people…even if some are annoying at times…& right now thanks to a few select ones…i feel more grounded & content & happy & centered in my life than I ever remember feeling before.  I never imagined that it could be this easy or natural to be happy.  problem is, I’m not quite as past the past as I thought because now I’m wondering if I’m going to screw things up by getting paranoid & scared & getting too clingy or needy or even worse…not getting signals that are there & not only missing out on something but hurting someone else like I was…something I never want to do.  Most of the time I am fine but there’s certain times…especially when waiting at the meat market for some attention…which I only do to meet people since I know I need more experience with other people…when I feel the old insecurities trying to creep back in.  I know that I’m just fine the way I am because my friends say so & the only other 1 I should worry about pleasing is happy with me…but it still pops up & plays havoc in my head. And I know everyone has that but by the time they’re my age most people have learned to deal with it whereas I’m still finding my way.  Thankfully I had a long talk last night with a mutual friend of me & D & he helped me out alot.  Helped me see that things are just fine right now the way they are & to not worry about what may happen farther down the road…& helped me really believe it was true.

Which leads me to 1 more thing.  I want to thank My Master in SL for everything he has done. I know I’ve said it before but after the talk last night I want to say it again. He has accepted me the way that I am, & who I am inside & out…cares about me & values me for everything that I am…& he’s never even met the real me just knows me thru a cartoon on a game. And for that & so much more…I count myself blessed to have met him & value each moment of time we have together even if it’s only sitting together & chatting.  For as long as you want I am happily yours…any & all of of me that you want My Master I will give you.

I have discovered the reason for my submission I think

I’ve been wondering about this off & on for a few weeks…ever since I met My Master on SL…& talking to a rp buddy of mine tonight…i decided something.  I am still very much as dominant as I ever have been…tho I have mellowed out alot I am still more dominant than submissive…except with certain people.  There are just some men that…I don’t know what it is about them but…as I just told 1 of my other friends…there are just men that the first time I meet them there’s something about them that makes me want to kneel in front of them & beg them to make me theirs & let me please them as much as I’m able.  And for the longest time I couldn’t accept that part of me…thinking it made me weak or stupid or too feminine.  When actually i think it makes me stronger than I ever could’ve imagined because to give yourself to someone that completely…with no reservations…takes a trust & inner strength that I’m not sure most people are capable of.

All of this is because in the space of less than 4 weeks…I have met 2 men on SL who make me want to do just that.  Within minutes of first meeting My Master, I was his…even if neither of us knew it then.  I don’t know to this day what it is about him but I would do anything he asked to please him & can’t imagine having not met him or having him in my life.  I know since it’s SL that day will come but for now I’m going to enjoy what I have, & learn what I can from him so that when I manage to find it for real…or at least in real because what we have now is real to me…I’ll be ready for it.  I am his & I can’t imagine ever wanting it to be different so I will take what I can while I can & put off everything else till tomorrow.  He values me for me…for everything I am with no complaints or excuses & likes me the way that I am…something very few people ever get lucky enough to have.

And then…there’s this guy who I meet in 1 of the seedier spots in SL…& within 5 mns of rp with him…I was ready to do whatever he wanted yet at the same time make him work to get there.  He’s smart, funny, a pain in the ass, yet seems to be a very decent man even if he makes me melt in ways I didn’t know I could.  My Master told me the other day he loves it that his mere presence reduces me into..as he put it…a quivering pile of goo…but this guy just might do it too if he ever really tried to dominate me.

Thing is, I’m not sure whether that’s a good thing or bad.   Because I’m not sure I should have 2 men who do that to me…yet they both are aware of each other so it’s all very in the open.  I just am not sure I’m completely comfortable with having 2 men around who make me so insane with whatever it is that comes out when I submit to someone.  That feeling of freedom & peace that I get with My Master…it’s almost intoxicating which makes it scary.  Having always had so much control in my life…it’s scary to let go like this especially since it feels so good.  Tho now at least I do know the type of man I need in my life.  Someone who is strong but laid back…who likes me to be in control some of the time but to not argue when they decide they’re going to be the boss & happily let them.  Someone who is as much on both sides of the fence as I am…since I always have been & always will be it seems.  Mistress to most…Slave to those few who can shatter my walls & make me into the woman I know I can be…strong & proud & open & loving…wanting nothing more than to make the man who values her as his most prized treasure as pleased with her as she is with him.

Well this is interesting…a new way into submission…

Things have definitely changed in the last few weeks.  I have managed to lose some weight & gain some mobility so that’s a plus, & I also have been dragged back into SecondLife by my best friend. I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing but it’s happened.  And even more interesting is…I have ended up doing exactly what I said I wouldn’t do.  I have ended up in another relationship of sorts on there & honestly…I am scared completely sh*tless of it.  Things are so good & going so well right now that I just know it can’t be good & is going to end bad & I just wish I knew whether I should put a stop to it now or try to keep going with it.  I would hate to stop now because it’s everything I could want…even if i’m his pet only on SL…but I also know I can’t take the heartbreak again…& I feel like I’m heading directly towards it.  I am just so damned scared of being stupid & the problem is…I don’t know which is the way to stupid…continuing like this or breaking it off.