Uh oh more thoughts

The other day me & a friend of mine were talking about me & my personality & me being submissive, & how I seem to be all right being on my own. I know that’s a common thing with most submissives…especially those who are comfortable in their own skins.  Anyway…after we logged off of Skype, I got to thinking about what we’d been talking about right beforehand & I wanted to put my thoughts out there & see what other people think.

I have to wonder if maybe what I & many other people have thought was me being submissive was just another side of something much more primal & core to me.  When I’m in a relationship with someone, over my entire life, I have been very changeable.  If I really cared about someone or was very involved in the relationship, I would either consciously or subconsciously…sometimes both…change things about myself to either please them or suit the relationship.  And before, it was like giving up my own identity because I did it so completely since I didn’t really know who I was.

I have realized tho, in the 2 relationships I’ve had since I broke & had to put myself back together again, that I did do that with them as well but…didn’t lose myself in the process.  And because I do focus so much on pleasing the other person…to make them happy which makes me happy…it feels so much like being submissive.  But I’ve also realized in the last couple of years that my core personality has never quite finished growing up.  She’s the 1 that so very few people even know exist let alone meet or spend time with because the rest of us keep her so guarded.  She is our hopes & dreams & optimism & where our real heartfelt love for someone comes from.  She is the best of us which is why we have to keep her safe & protected.  She’s been broken once…that can’t happen again…we refuse to allow it.

Anyway…to get back to my point again *laughs* I can feel myself doing it again.  As I open myself up, I have felt things changing inside me…tho to be honest this time there’s been much less change, & the changes that are happening are probably for the best of all of us.  I am again having to deal with my feminine side…which anyone who knows me well knows is hidden or buried most of the time.  Tho now, I’m slowing learning or am able to use what I have learned over the last few years & am able to deal with it & even express myself articulately about how I feel.  And it’s as my feminine side opens up that the self questioning about me being submissive comes about.

I don’t know if it’s something that just is…which means I most likely am submissive…or if it’s something learned or that happens later in life in which case I’m not sure I am really submissive like I first thought.  Because it’s such a part of me…it’s how I’ve always been…so it’s hard to figure out which way it goes.  I just know that when I care about someone…anyone who is important to me…I give & change to make their lives better & that is what makes me happy.  I’m not being forced to or feel like I have to do it to keep them in my life…it’s just what I do because their happiness is my happiness.  Tho I’m starting to think when there’s real feelings there…there’s much less change needed because the feelings wouldn’t be there if I wasn’t close to whatever they needed & wanted to begin with.

Anyway…this is just something I’ve been thinking about lately so thanks everyone for being here & listening & hopefully will be posting more sooner rather than laters!  hugs to all of you.


What’s going thru my head right now…

I’ve had some things going thru my head off & on over the last few days & have finally decided that I need to write it down to see if it makes any kind of sense.

I know what I want & am sure it’s right.  Problem is….there are so many variables between here & there that…as happy & content as I am most of the time, there are times when it seems so damned impossible I just want to cry.  I have so many things I want & don’t get me wrong I’m grateful but…there’s just times when…the realist gets in the way & points out how low the chances are it’ll ever come to fruition.  I know I just need to have patience but oftentimes that’s easier said than done especially when feelings or emotions are concerned.  It’s not about being treated badly or being lied to or used because lord knows that is definitely not happening.  This is me…in my head & heart & mind.  I want so much…hell feel so damned much &…it scares me so much to feel like this especially given how my life is right now.

And now…to make things even more frightening, I’ve gotten to where I’ve crossed my own personal line too much for comfort.  I honestly don’t regret it a bit but…I don’t like the way it makes me see myself sometimes, either.  Because losing control like that…it feels so delicious & amazing & awesome that it’s almost addictive….but it’s not how I wanted things to be right now either.  I’ve done things so good…am so proud at how well I’ve handled myself over the last few months…but right now…if things keep happening like they have been, I’m afraid I’m not going to be happy with myself & that’s the last thing I want because dammit as I said…my life right now is right…I don’t want my own stupidity to screw it up so I have to figure out what to do.  I don’t want any regrets…haven’t had any so far & want to keep it that way so…*shakes her head* I’ve just got to figure out what to do.  I’ve seen where the way things are heading in my life lead & I don’t want to do that again to anyone I care about in my life so I have to deal with it now before it gets to the point where it all goes bad.

I know what I want…my version of the fairytale.  To fall in love & be loved back, & to be able to be with him the way we should be, & eventually married.  Which means I have to do it right so…*sighs* as much as it pains me I’m afraid I’m gonna have to rebuild my walls just a bit…just enough to keep from messing things up by doing things I know I’m not really ready for.

Thanks to all of you for listening & hope you all have an awesome weekend!

Just something that I’ve been thinking about lately…

I’ve been doing some more thinking this week *laughs* scary I know but there it is.  And I’ve come up with a few things I kind of want to talk about.

First of….how do you know whether you’re dependent on someone, or if it’s really love?  That question is hard to answer because there’s some many different types of love & even more, each person has their own version of what love feels or is.  For me…it’s caring about someone no matter what…as unconditionally as you can love another person & wanting them to be happy just to know they’re happy, not because you’re going to get something out of it.  I mean that’s the bare basics but…love is about giving & doing your best to make the 1 you love feel happy & loved & cared about & adored & valued.  If you can give that to another person, chances are you’ll find the same without even trying to find it because that kind of love…not friends, not lust, not family but love between 2 people…you never know when it’s going to hit or with who or how.  All we can do is hope we are able to recognize it before we lose it.

On the flipside, dependence is more out of fear…fear of being left, of being alone, or is more out of what you can get from someone else.  It’s more about you than them & in love…they are equally important…with dependence they’re not.

when do you know it’s love & not still that first hot blush of a new relationship?  This 1 I’m not so sure about but….for me…I think if you just want to be with them or feel them.  When snuggling or just holding hands or being held, is as important or more important than getting them into the sack.  When just being close to them or with them is better than anything else.  I’m not saying even then you won’t want sex because well yeah der if it’s a good relationship that should definitely be there but…it won’t be the only way to show affection like it can often be early on.  When the flirting itself is as good or better than where it will eventually get you.

For me…all I can do is hope that the person I love will be able to tell I do even when I don’t say it…since hopefully I show them every time I’m with them & even when I’m not just how much they mean to me & how special they are & that I will be there for them even when it’s painful & difficult because…isn’t that what love is?


Well hey there!

*sticks her head in* Hey everybody…sorry I’ve been away so long but maybe this post will help explain that at least a little bit.  Real life has been a real pain lately…extremely demanding for various reasons.  Most importantly…my own sanity.  Some things happened earlier this year that…really threw my whole life for a loop.  And when I get hurt like I did & have trouble trusting anyone as a result, it’s always been best for me to pull back from all but my family & closest friends while I figure out how to deal with how I’m feeling & get past it without hurting myself or anyone else or doing something really really stupid like I’m good at doing.  I didn’t want to make a bad situation worse so I just kept to myself while I did my best to heal.  Well in the middle of that, my computer died so I was without a computer for close to a month which made my hiding even easier to do.  And then it was summer & we weren’t in school/working so I kind of just took the rest of the summer off to do nothing.  And for the last month I’ve been working on getting back into the swing of things as well as keep working on my losing weight.

I know I’ve explained some of this in 1 of the last posts I made but I wanted to do it this way…make it feel like sort of an almost fresh beginning.  Because here we are now.  I’m at the moment just over 40 lbs under what I was at my highest…when I first realized I had so many physical problems that were much more than just side effects of being overweight.  And I’m holding it…even if it’s just barely.  And as for my head…I honestly am not sure even myself what’s going on in there…but maybe if I write a bit of it out, it might help me just a little bit so here I go.  Also, as I said…this is a way to make a fresh start on this blog so what better way than to let everyone into my head a little bit.

I know that it’s not good to label people but…for me personally…it’s difficult to not be able to label myself.  For me there is just something comforting about having a name to call myself…a way to categorize myself…& right now I’m most definitely missing that.  I don’t know whether I’m a sub, a babygirl, a kitten, just shy & traditional, needy, high maintenance, too giving & trusting & open, an alpha bitch, or what exactly I am because I feel all of those things…some of the time.  And even tho I feel like a young teenager/preteen in the deepest part of me…even she doesn’t feel like the way so many other people describe their littles because…she is me…everything else is just layered on top of her.  The responsible adult me, the mom me, the horny slut me, the scared & clingy me, the alpha bitch me…they’re all part of me but also extensions of her because…I am that girl all the time tho she may get hidden or buried when rl makes it impossible for her to function & 1 of the others has to step up to the plate.

I also don’t know whether I’m ready for a relationship or not since I have so much difficulty meeting people to begin with.  I won’t know until it’s too late & I’m in 1 & shouldn’t be but other than being lonely…right now I feel like I’m a decent headspace finally.  Problem is…it’s coming at a price.  Right now I’m damned no matter what I do so all I can do is just hope I do the best I can to not make a big mess of things.  I feel safe, & secure, & calm…things I usually don’t feel but the source…I’m not sure it’s good for either of us to depend on each other like we do at this point.  I know how I feel…that isn’t the point…the point is…such a good thing could get ruined so easily & that’s a very scary thing.  Which is why I’m not sure if I should do something to stop that chance from happening & suffer there, or just blindly hope for the best…which never seems to happen for me.  Coming out on the other side of what I did made me realize just how precious some things & people can be & the last thing I’d want to do is lose someone because I was impatient.  So right now…I’m just hoping I get some kind of sign or something as to what to do.

Thanks everyone for listening & hope everyone is doing good in their own lives!  Lots of hugs & kisses & hopefully will be posting more on here after my net get sorted out finally.


Think you want a little girl?


I know I’ve not been around much due to rl lately but this is from 1 of my favorites bloggers & she sums it up so much better than I ever could…something everyone should read if they have a little in their life even just as friends.

Originally posted on CinnamonAndSparkles:

So you are a Dom and you come across a sub who catches your interest. You find that she is also a little. You don’t know exactly what that means…But you’re interested, and so you find out.

At first you think it’s really cute. She likes Hello Kitty…teddy bears. No big deal. She likes sparkly things and gets excited about simple pleasures.

She likes to color pictures….says it makes her happy and relieves stress.


You love that when you are with her, she sees the world with the same excitement that a child has. She never outgrew that wonder. It makes you feel more joyful….You see life in a different way.

But you notice that she often interrupts you when you are talking….not because she means to…. not because she is on the same subject you are and wants to add to the discussion…. but because she saw a…

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Howdy folks

I am still here just…been a difficult few weeks for me in the real world.  I’ve been dealing with the aftermath of a big change in my life, so have been alternating between thinking alot to try & figure out how to deal with it, fighting myself to not eat myself into a nice warm comfort zone, & avoiding thinking at all by watching WAY too many YouTube videos. *laughs*

I have felt very disgusted & disheartened lately, & it’s been very hard to deal with so I’ve withdrawn alot like I often do when I’m trying to work thru something.  But I’ve come to the point where I’m not sure I can work thru this.  I think this time…I’m not broken again but not sure I even want to get back out & open myself up to people again.  I have been so disgusted with myself & how naive & trusting I can be that it’s made it super difficult to not eat myself into a comfort food coma.  And I haven’t…at least not yet.  Even feeling that way, I’ve managed to ride out a few ups & down of the scale & not freak out about it so I’m obviously doing something right there.  Plus our oldest cat got super sick this week & had me pretty worried so that’s been another thing I’ve had to deal with as well as adjusting to being home with my kid all day everyday practically what with school being out & me not working.

I’m even doing some avoiding of some of my good friends cause I don’t wanna rain my grumpiness & moodiness all over them especially since they seem to be doing good right now.  I also don’t want them to feel guilty for doing good when I feel like things are pretty pointless for me relationshipwise right now.  I feel ok or good about everything else but right now…I’m not sure I’d recognize or even want him if the perfect man for me showed up right now.  I’m pretty sure I’d tell him thanks but no thanks that I’m not interested & send him on his way even if he was perfect for me.  Notice I’m saying for me…not perfect cause Lord knows I’d not want a perfect man.

I’ve also been thinking alot about whether I’m really submissive or just a shy, traditional type woman who is very much in touch with her inner child instead.  Because times like these…I can’t stop the way I do or feel & no 1 should have to try to lead me thru this.  I need comfort, not control when I’m like this & I can’t really concentrate on anyone but myself & my kid as I work my way thru my own head.  It just wouldn’t feel right or fair to have a Daddy or Dominant right now because I just couldn’t be what they deserved when I’m like this.  I need friends more than anything…friends who understand & don’t take personally when I’m quiet for a few days while I avoid then think about things.  A relationship is the absolute last thing I need or want right now no matter how much I hate to be single.

Anyway, I guess count this as an update a day early & hugs to everyone who has stuck by me thru all of this.  I’m gonna try doing at least random posts once or twice a week for a while till I feel like I can do more.  So thanks again to all of you & hope the rest of your weekend is good.

Random post out of nowhere

I just had a few thoughts I wanted to put down on here so I could come back & look at them later.

Firstly, I just stood up from my desk chair to get something from the kitchen & had made it 3 steps before realizing I’d stretched & then walked straight on in there instead of stretching then having to sit back down for a few seconds like I normally did.  I like that idea because it is a very obvious sign of improvement so yays!

Secondly, Mother’s Day morning in fact, I realized I’m only 8 years younger than my mom was when she died.  I’d never stopped to think about it but…her being dead for 18 years last month…that was just kind of a big surprise.  And another reason for me to keep working on my weight & getting better so I don’t end up in the same miserable boat she did.

Thirdly, it’s been a rough few days missing Duncan.  I know it’s been almost 8 months since he was put to sleep but for some reason the last week or 2 has been worse than it’s been since before Christmas.  I miss him & wish he could’ve made it to his 20th birthday back in March but he’ll always be my furbaby wherever he may be & I hope he remembers me half as good as I remember him.