I am still here just…been a difficult few weeks for me in the real world. I’ve been dealing with the aftermath of a big change in my life, so have been alternating between thinking alot to try & figure out how to deal with it, fighting myself to not eat myself into a nice warm comfort zone, & avoiding thinking at all by watching WAY too many YouTube videos. *laughs*
I have felt very disgusted & disheartened lately, & it’s been very hard to deal with so I’ve withdrawn alot like I often do when I’m trying to work thru something. But I’ve come to the point where I’m not sure I can work thru this. I think this time…I’m not broken again but not sure I even want to get back out & open myself up to people again. I have been so disgusted with myself & how naive & trusting I can be that it’s made it super difficult to not eat myself into a comfort food coma. And I haven’t…at least not yet. Even feeling that way, I’ve managed to ride out a few ups & down of the scale & not freak out about it so I’m obviously doing something right there. Plus our oldest cat got super sick this week & had me pretty worried so that’s been another thing I’ve had to deal with as well as adjusting to being home with my kid all day everyday practically what with school being out & me not working.
I’m even doing some avoiding of some of my good friends cause I don’t wanna rain my grumpiness & moodiness all over them especially since they seem to be doing good right now. I also don’t want them to feel guilty for doing good when I feel like things are pretty pointless for me relationshipwise right now. I feel ok or good about everything else but right now…I’m not sure I’d recognize or even want him if the perfect man for me showed up right now. I’m pretty sure I’d tell him thanks but no thanks that I’m not interested & send him on his way even if he was perfect for me. Notice I’m saying for me…not perfect cause Lord knows I’d not want a perfect man.
I’ve also been thinking alot about whether I’m really submissive or just a shy, traditional type woman who is very much in touch with her inner child instead. Because times like these…I can’t stop the way I do or feel & no 1 should have to try to lead me thru this. I need comfort, not control when I’m like this & I can’t really concentrate on anyone but myself & my kid as I work my way thru my own head. It just wouldn’t feel right or fair to have a Daddy or Dominant right now because I just couldn’t be what they deserved when I’m like this. I need friends more than anything…friends who understand & don’t take personally when I’m quiet for a few days while I avoid then think about things. A relationship is the absolute last thing I need or want right now no matter how much I hate to be single.
Anyway, I guess count this as an update a day early & hugs to everyone who has stuck by me thru all of this. I’m gonna try doing at least random posts once or twice a week for a while till I feel like I can do more. So thanks again to all of you & hope the rest of your weekend is good.
Happy best friend’s day everybody!
Picture intensive so putting it behind a line here *laughs*
I’m still here promise everybody just rl is being difficult & won’t let me go much. But just for giggles here’s a picture of my cat I took the other day & wanted to let everyone know I am still here just quiet for a bit! Hugs to all of you!
I just had a few thoughts I wanted to put down on here so I could come back & look at them later.
Firstly, I just stood up from my desk chair to get something from the kitchen & had made it 3 steps before realizing I’d stretched & then walked straight on in there instead of stretching then having to sit back down for a few seconds like I normally did. I like that idea because it is a very obvious sign of improvement so yays!
Secondly, Mother’s Day morning in fact, I realized I’m only 8 years younger than my mom was when she died. I’d never stopped to think about it but…her being dead for 18 years last month…that was just kind of a big surprise. And another reason for me to keep working on my weight & getting better so I don’t end up in the same miserable boat she did.
Thirdly, it’s been a rough few days missing Duncan. I know it’s been almost 8 months since he was put to sleep but for some reason the last week or 2 has been worse than it’s been since before Christmas. I miss him & wish he could’ve made it to his 20th birthday back in March but he’ll always be my furbaby wherever he may be & I hope he remembers me half as good as I remember him.
It was Mother’s Day yesterday so didn’t have a chance to post my update & couldn’t post my picture of the week till I took it yesterday so just going to do both of them at once. *grins*
I have officially quit Weight Watchers. I’m going between using my Fitbit & my SparkPeople page & seem to be having better luck that way. I gained a few pounds but I have also lost a pants size & am in a size 34 for the first time in almost 4 years…as well as my size 4x shirts being loser on me than they were. So I’m not worried about the weight gain because I know it’s muscle…not the bad stuff.
In celebration of this huge victory, a friend of mine from work dyed my hair purple on Saturday. It’s a very dull color inside, but in bright or outdoor light, it’s definitely purple with almost magenta highlights where my gray hair was. And posting a picture of that…is my picture of the week because I think it looks awesome. Only other thing to happen other than that was me & my best friend going to see Avengers: Age of Ultron yesterday which we did in 3D & was definitely worth the extra cost. We also went out to eat so we enjoyed ourselves quite well for Mother’s Day. So happy last Mother’s Day to everyone who celebrates it & hugs to all & hope everyone has an awesome week this week!
A quick & easy way to help some of the newer ones among you do a bit of catch up without having to read everything…*laughs* unless that’s what tickles your fancy *grins*.
A Little Something About This Blog as a Starting Point
Thank you so very much as always!
First TMI Tuesday for the Month of May.
1. How long have you been blogging? Just over 5 years since I got my congratulations for 5 years on WordPress about a week or so ago…but only for about 2 1/2 years on this blog.
2. Tell us about your pen name? Is it a pen name? It’s the nickname I wanted as a kid but never got it so I use it for my online name in many different places.
3. What is your blog about? Me & how things go on my way thru my life & others who make a difference in it for good or bad.
4. Do you earn any money with your blog? Nope.
5. What inspired you to blog? I thought it might be a good way to sort my thoughts out & make new friends.
6. What keeps you blogging? Because I enjoy it & enjoy chatting with the people I’ve met while doing it.
7. Do you have any advice for readers looking for love? Looking to get laid? Looking for a threesome? *laughs* Nope since I’m not good at any of the 3
8. Did you do your kegels today? When was the last time you did them? (Men: There is no evidence that kegels prevent erectile dysfunction. Source: WebMD ) Actually yes I did *laughs* thank you for asking…it helps once you’re in your 40s if not sooner.
Bonus: Do you have any special sexual gifts or talents or tricks? Tell us about it. I think some of them have been covered in the past on here so *laughs* anything else…hop over to my flickr page & leave me a message there *laughs*
I’m realizing now why I’ve always so enjoyed having my friends come over to my house even if it’s only once every week or so for a couple of hours. It’s not a good thing at all for me to be alone as much as I have been the last few months. Between me current state of mind from too much alone time, & school not being out soon enough, I’m in a place I’ve not been in in years. I’d be ok if it was just work, or just the alone time but since it’s both…it sucks. I don’t like who I am or how I feel or what I do right now but I can’t seem to stop or keep from it unless I just go to sleep & sleeping my life away isn’t going to do me any good either. But I’m at a total loss as to what to do to make any of it better. And me trying to lose weight on top of feeling like this…that just makes it worse cause I can’t eat to distract myself any longer so I’m miserable which makes me more miserable & want to eat more which makes me bitchier which makes me more miserable so it just goes round & round & round. I just feel so unneeded right now. Not unwanted…unneeded. Not even useless but…as a babygirl/sub/whatever you want to call me as well as just me being who I am, I need to feel like I’m needed & helping others & I’ve not felt like that in weeks. And that right there is the main thing that’s slowly wearing me down. I’m starting to wonder if I’m going to make it till we’re out of school before I hit the breaking point because it’s not going to be pretty if I still am in because I will become a hell bitch on wheels. That’s my self defense when I hurt & feel like I have a gaping sore inside me somewhere & you can’t do that & not alienate people or even worse screw up your job because you hurt. So right now, I’m just hoping & praying I last 3 more weeks till it’s done & then…I’ll see what I can do to fix myself over the summer. It can be done I just have to figure out how.
Anyway…I’ve had my emotional spill for the year *laughs* oh & 1 other thing…when I posted the other day, I got a post from WordPress telling me it was my 5 year anniversary so yays me! Thanks to everyone whose been along for the ride on this & the first blog I had…means so much! Hope you all have a great rest of the day & a good week!
This is actually not a picture but a YouTube video I ran into as I was looking around online this morning & it just struck a chord with me so wanted to share it. Hope you enjoy it & have a good weekend!