A big huge emotional rant

And no don’t be worried I just want to get this out of my system since there doesn’t seem to be anyone I can talk to about any of this anymore…I swear I’m not going to do anything crazy *laughs* anymore than usual that is.

I am….I don’t want to say depressed but…I am so upset & hurt & feeling useless & not needed & miserable & like I don’t matter & pain & rage…so much fucking rage & fear….I feel more of those than I do anything right now.  I don’t want it to end & I don’t want it to be over & I don’t want to be numb I just want to feel something other than miserable & alone & afraid & useless & unneeded & the anger that all of those are causing.  I’m trying so hard to change things but no matter what I do it just seems to make it worse so right now….I can’t feel anything but pain & sadness & hurt & fear & confusion & anger.  I have never felt so unneeded & invisible & alone as I do right now & it sucks big ass.  And yes my logical head knows it’s just feelings but that doesn’t make me FEEL them any less at all.  Right now it’s like the freezing yet burning hole inside of me is just….sitting there…waiting to see what I’m going to decide to do about it & right now…I just don’t know….all I can do is talk about it & get it out there & hope that doing that helps at least a little cause lord knows I don’t want to eat my misery away like usual…which is why I’m doing this post…hoping it keeps me from eating my way to numbness like I have so many times before.  Anyway….I think my rant is done & hopefully it will do some good.  Sorry to dump this here after being so quiet but…I’m done trying to figure it out in my own head so gonna make use of this LOL.

Happy New Year

Hi everybody…thought I’d just pop on & say happy new year & share 1 of my Christmas presents because it’s awesome!  Anyone who has been following me for a while knows all about Duncan, the furbaby I had to put to sleep a couple of years ago.  Well I splurged this year & got me a CuddleClone of him & it couldn’t have turned out better!  So Thank you to them & thanks to all of you & I so hope everyone has a good New Year!

Duncan

Duncan holding my hand

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2 views of the Cuddle Clone

 

 

A rant about sex & relationships

Imagine this…me only posting to rant *laughs*.  It’s been a very rough year so I’ve not posted much because even I get tired of reading the same old shit so since so little has changed, I’ve just been quiet.  But now…I can’t keep quiet & hopefully this will help me just to write all of this down.

Years ago, when I got back onto SL I met this man that I ended up thinking was amazing.  We were off & on a time or 2 but he was always 1 of my closest friends & meant a lot to me.  That is until I found out he was lying to me the whole time, since I at 1 time did ask if he was married & he said no.  So when I found out…I knew if I didn’t completely wipe him out of my life I’d go crawling back at a low point so I did just that.  No explanations, nothing, just wiped his existence completely out of my life so I wouldn’t be an idiot.

I’ll admit, I was scarce on SL for a few months but then some friends convinced me to get back on there a little, if only to hang out with them.  Tho wouldn’t you know, the shit was about to hit the fan in the most spectacular fashion in years…only rivaled my divorce & my ex from Germany.  1 of these friends, admitted that he felt more for me than just friends.  Not love…he wasn’t that stupid since he was with someone at the time…but more than best buddies too.  Well I decided to see where it went…without ever really going over the line of just friends because I did not want to be the other woman again & he knew it…had been told time & time again.  Just see if there were feelings there & we’d see how things fell without getting in to deep.  But of course, it wasn’t that easy because by late Nov of last year, some things were said on voice that shouldn’t have been said…even tho I had said before time & time again & had warned him that sometimes I had moron moments & to not let me do something stupid…well he let me do stupid things & then acted like he had no idea what he’d done wrong.  I trusted him to keep me safe, & he didn’t even see that what had happened was so far past keeping me safe it wasn’t funny.  So…again…I got to block 1 of the most important people in my life from my entire life.  Again because of a betrayal of trust even if it wasn’t about cheating but just not keeping me away from the line he knew I’d stupidly cross & needed help staying away from.

Well after that fuck up, I stayed off of SL for about 7 or 8 months except for dealing with my breedables.  But I started getting back on cause I thought I was ok enough & had my head on well enough to start dealing with people again.  And I did so good for a while.  But to make a long story short, I’m now in another mess because I’m an idiot.  I don’t know how in the hell I got a big “I’m a slut please fuck me cause that’s all I’m good for” sign on my forehead but I sure seem to have 1.  Because every single man I meet, no matter how it starts off, very quickly moves it to sex even when I say I’m not interested.  All I want is to be valued & cared about & in a relationship with someone who likes me for me…not just what I can do with all my holes.  Why the fuck is that so hard to understand & find?!  It doesn’t matter where I meet them…it always happens.  And more than I’d like to admit more happens & then I feel like such an idiot afterwards or like leftovers…both of which suck big ass.  Why can’t someone want me because they care…not just because they wanna fuck me or think I’m a great fuck?  *shakes her head* I just don’t understand it sometimes.  So here I am now…balanced on that damned precipice & you know what…I’m damned tired of losing.  I don’t want to lose any friends or would be friends, but I don’t wanna cheat myself either.  I just want someone who feels for me like I feel for them.

Anyway…I think my rant here is done *laughs* so thanks for listening & maybe it’ll be a better reason I post next time!  Hugs to all!

Wow it’s been a while

I hadn’t realized how long it’s been since I’ve posted till just now.  So thought I’d get on here & announce that *laughs* I am still around just been doing a bit more this summer than usual, & been on World of Warcraft a lot since Legion came out a few weeks ago.  And honestly just haven’t had much to talk about as I’ve just been kind of existing over the last few months more than anything else.  But summer was good overall & my weight hasn’t gone up so yays for that too.  Hope that everyone is doing good too since I’ve only commented a few times on the blogs I follow but promise I still read them.

As well as spending some time with my kid actually doing a couple of things this summer, as I said have been on WoW a lot…SecondLife not so much…& have been sort of playing with Snapchat & Dubsmash tho since I have like no friends on Snapchat haven’t really done much at all with it since *laughs* you can only take pictures for your own amusement so many times.  And right now am also trying to catch up on a few TV shows I got behind on before they start for the season or before I get too far behind on them for this season.    So thanks to everyone & hugs all around & will talk to everyone soon…sooner than the last time for sure I hope!

First TMI Tuesday in a while

tmi_guilty_pleasure

1. What TV show do you love to watch but are a little embarrassed to tell friends that you simply cannot miss an episode.

It’s an older 1 but I’ve been binge watching True Blood & Hemlock Grove & I’ll be the first to admit it’s kind of embarrassing since for the longest time I hated them both. *laughs*

2. What website and/or magazine do you read and it’s your guilty pleasure?

Cracked & Buzzfeed & WatchMojo lol

3. What is the grocery store item you buy but you know you should not?

Cookies

4. Tell us about something you do at work that you would not want your co-workers to know that you do.

Honestly can’t think of anything.  I usually sit out in the truck & read while I wait to go in but they all know that. lol

5. Do you have a secret stash? What is it?

I do but it’s not for me…I keep extra cat food for the cat just in case she runs out & or a can gets busted or something.

Bonus: What is your most embarrassing guilty pleasure?

The fact that I have to have a stuffie on the table beside the bed every night even if I don’t sleep with it *laughs*

Just a quick couple of things…

I just checked my WordPress Dashboard & realized that yesterday was my 6 yr anniversary of having joined WP.  I haven’t been blogging the whole time & haven’t been on this 1 the whole time but it still made me chuckle & feels like an awesome thing.

6 Year Anniversary Achievement
Happy Anniversary with WordPress.com!
You registered on WordPress.com 6 years ago.
Thanks for flying with us. Keep up the good blogging.

 

I had started to post that earlier but got sidetracked, & just ran into this on Facebook & wanted to share it.  It will make you cry but only cause there’s so many feels.  It’s also why I am almost 44 & am not ashamed of being a fangirl…because some celebrities are awesome people & do everything they can to make the world a better place & are so much more than their money & fame.  I know not all of them are that way but it brightens my day when they are & to reminded there are still so many good people in the world.  Bless the both of them as well as all of you.

Ryan R: Actor Writes Tribute to 13-Year-Old Fan Who Died From Cancer

 

Hey there

It’s me again!  *laughs* I’ve been meaning to post here but seems every time I think of something I’m where I can’t right the idea down & I forget it before I’m able to put it down on here.  Tho I would like to ask an opinion from anyone who’s willing to help.  I know this blog has gone so many directions since the beginning since things have changed so much in my life since then, but I would like to be a bit more regular even if it’s just a weekly inspirational picture & a few comments…just to show I am still here & am still interested just kind of still trying to figure out a direction if any.  So if anyone has any opinions or anything ideas or such I’d love to hear them & even if not, still thank you all for being there thru so long & for the people I’ve met & comment with…all of you mean the world to me so thank you & don’t forget you have made a difference for at least one person!  Huggies to everyone!

Wow…it’s been a while

I hadn’t realized how long it had been since I was on here & I do want to say I am sorry.  I’ve been working thru things in my head…concentrating super hard on sticking to the weight loss that everything else has kind of fallen to the wayside.  But I am still here & hopefully will be doing more as it gets prettier out & I get in a better place to do more so hugs everyone & have a good rest of the week & a good weekend as well!  And here’s some thoughts that’ve helped me a lot in the last few weeks so wanted to share them. *smiles*

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Why? Another rant

Why do people have to shit on you & everything you believe in?  I know a lot of it is my fault for letting it bother me but sometimes things just get thru the chinks in my armor & make me feel like the most ignorant person on the planet.  When you’re reduced to sitting in the bathroom at work crying cause you’ve been smacked 3 times in 1 day & just cannot hold it together any longer because I’ve not felt like the scared no esteem teenager I was so long ago in quite awhile…well it just sucks shit.  And feeling like no 1 gives a shit just makes it worse.  Anyway…rant over & thanks for listening.

Yays random!

Just sitting here listening to music…ranging from One Direction to AC/DC to Beethoven & now Tainted love *laughs*…& was thinking.  I really truly do believe in love, & that makes everything so much more confusing because even tho I really do believe in it, every time I think I might have found out I get gut punched.  I know everyone has those issues, but it’s still crap.  There should be a clearer, easier way to tell, if only to save so much pain & heartbreak.  I try telling myself that since I’ve gone thru so many tries that when I do find it it’ll be awesome & amazing even if I have to work my ass off to keep it, but lately…it has been so hard to hold on to at least a tiny bit of hope since I’ve lost most of it.  I’m so tired of the liars & cheaters & even worse the ones who love you for what you can give them & how they make you feel instead of what & who you really are, or the ones who don’t necessarily lie but hold back on things…big things…they know would make all the difference in the relationship…for the good or the bad.  I’m tired of fake people & shallow people & selfish people & people who act like their selfless but can’t think beyond themselves…I’m just so tired of so much of it.  As I told a friend the other day, I’m as low as I can get because for me, self harm (except my emotional eating) has never even been an issue or question because that is never been something I’ve wanted to do or felt like I had to do to make myself better, but right now…I’m not much above that I’ll admit.  Most of the time it’s like being in a dark, damp, misty forest where the mist is so think it’s like a blanket & all I want to do is hide there forever.  But I’ve been concentrating on my weight & eating so hoping that will pull me out some since my normal standby just isn’t going to happen…every time I try to write all I can do is stare at the blank page & hate whatever’s giving me such terrible writer’s block.

Anyway, just needed to vent & rant again so huggies to all & thanks for your support even if it’s just as a like or comment or visiting & reading & hope you have an awesome weekend!