Random rant about me & weight loss

I just had to get this out of my system & knew if I put it here, it’d do the most good.

My question is…what kind of fucking person has to pull over on the side of the road & cry because she has to eat home cooked food, instead of being able to get pizza & hot wings?  I think I’ve hit rock bottom & I’m not sure how the hell to get past it because right now…all the trying & effort & monitoring what I eat & trying to exercise…it just makes me more & more depressed every single time I have to do it.  I mean when  a big portion of your brain would rather just not eat since it can’t have what it wants…even tho it knows how bad what it wants is…how the hell do you get past that or work with it?  I’m tired of the frustration & disgust & irritation & some days just want to face dive into every bad thing I can think of & say fuck it all at least I’ll die happy…even tho I know I won’t because I’ll be physically miserable.  But this way I’m mentally & emotionally worn down & miserable so I’m damned if I do & damned if I don’t.  I’m either disgusted & hate everything, or physically miserable because I hurt & can’t breathe & can’t move.

Anyway…I think I’m done so thanks for listening anyone who bothers to read this & hugs to all of you for sticking with me thru everything.

For the new year…

I hope everyone survived the holidays without too much trouble if not actually enjoyed them.  And I hope this year is bigger & better & brighter than the last for each & every one of you.

For me, I don’t make actual resolutions but…I am going to try to change & keep working on some things this year so am going to make a list…that way I can come back & reread it whenever I find it difficult to keep doing these things.

  1. watching what I eat even better than I have been.  I have been able to keep my weight at around 370 give or take all year so I haven’t gained any but haven’t lost any either so going to do what I can to work on that.  Especially since because before Christmas break, I felt better than I have in a few years & I don’t want to lose that ground I’ve finally gained.
  2. Keep remembering that I deserve better & I don’t have to make myself uncomfortable or do things I’m not entirely happy with to keep someone in my life & happy with me.  I am not that kind of woman & I will not become that kind of woman & that’s all there is to it.  I am a lot of things & have done a lot of things but when it doesn’t feel right anymore…I will pay attention to that feeling & not ignore it or try to talk myself out of it because I…am better than that & I damn well know it.
  3. I will exercise & move more.  As I said I was feeling better physically & I do not want to lose that.  I’ve struggled too long & hard to let it go now
  4. spend at least an hour or 2 a week trying to write since I have this huge behemoth of a story that I need to finish & am just going to have to force myself to do just that
  5. eat more fruits & veggies!!  And that includes potatoes only if I cook them myself *laughs* chips don’t count even tho I wish they did.  And drink at least 2 bottles of water a day on top of everything else.
  6. Will cook a new dish at least once every 2 weeks.
  7. try to post at least once a week here even if it’s only a hi, how ya doing kind of thing.  I’ve sucked a lot at posting on here & I’m sorry for that & very grateful for everyone who has stuck by & am going to do my best to do better.

I think that’s about it for now…will add more if I need to as I go along so hugs to everyone & hope that they have a good rest of the weekend & a good week this coming week!

My Wishes to all of you

I hope everyone has a good day today…whether it’s Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays or even just Friday, the beginning of the weekend (or even Saturday already in some parts of the world).  Hope it’s a day full of love & hope & fun even if only for a moment because everyone needs at least a little of all 3 every day!

Cat with Santa Claus red hat looking at camera

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Thank you for everyone who has every liked or commented on my blog & know that someone out there cares & is thinking of you today no matter what day it is for you!

2 posts in 2 days!

I know…it’s scary isn’t it? *laughs*  But I just read a post on someone else’s blog that made me think about a lot of the things I’ve had running thru my head, & decided that this wasn’t something I needed to put on the password only blog but deserved to be shared here since so many of you have been going thru this with me…some almost since the very beginning.

I have finally…I think…decided what’s best for me.  Which has led to a few decisions on rules or guidelines or whatever you want to call it I need to follow for the next little while in my life.  Firstly…I need to come first…or at least me & my family does.  That means parts of me are going to be annoyed because they’re going to be cut off & other parts of me are going to have to learn how to deal with things whether they want to or not.  There will be no more pushing emotionally charged or upsetting things off to the side or letting the slut side help hide those hurtful or scary or big feelings anymore.  Sexual & physical intimacy & my extreme submissive almost slave side…are not there to keep myself from feeling the scary big feelings…they should help deal with those feelings.  And that can’t happen with just anyone who talks a smooth line to get in my pants.  I need to keep that side of me locked up until I’m with someone…someone who loves me & understands me & can be there for me & is more interested in my emotional & mental well being than getting into my pants or controlling me.  Because that slut side as I call her…she’s scarey enough herself since it’s just as much my slave/primal/animalistic/instinctual part as my slut.  She’s the 1 who does & reacts…& does not think.  So I need to be with someone I can trust with my heart & soul & mind…all of me…& that can’t come without a relationship &/or commitment & a lot of time.

That side of me is the scariest part of me…much scarier than my little side.  She is where my need comes from & I’ll admit…there is a lot of need in her.  To be needed & protected & to trust in someone so completely that she can do anything she thinks or feels without fear of losing them or scaring them away or being too clingy.  I thought for the longest time that the need to be someone’s…to be adored & worshipped & needed & protected & guided was the little part…but I’m starting to think it’s not.  She is love & innocence & trust & precious…so many of the things I thought were here are much more naked & basic feelings & needs.  I have though so long they were at opposite ends…my slut & my princess…but now I think they’re more 2 sides of the same part than I ever could’ve imagined.  Instead of the slut protecting the princess…I’m starting to think it’s been the other way around.  Which means I have to protect the slut from herself because when she manages to take control & do what she thinks she needs to do to be wanted…all of us suffer for it…with guilt & pain & misery & disgust at letting people who only want our body use us when all we want is to be someone’s one & only…to make their life a better, brighter place for us being with them…being theirs.

I hate talking about things like this.  I have a huge headache now, my stomach is upset & sour, & I’m fighting not to cry because it hurts & is so damned scary to expose myself this way to anyone.  But after reading that blog post…I realized I needed to do this…to make it easier on myself & so next time I’m tempted to let someone control me or use me in a way that’s not good for me…I can come back here & remember how it feels & hopefully keep myself from doing it just because I’m alone & desperate & in pain.

Thanks again everyone for listening & *laughs a bit* feel free to comment or even email if you feel the need since I have my email in my about now.  Hugs to all & enjoy the rest of your weekend & your week ahead!

I just had to hahahaha

for all of us who have a little princess or girlie girl in them *laughs*…

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a unicorn farting rainbows courtesy of a screencap made from my favorite show…Supernatural. *laughs*

On another note…have started another blog…sort of a ranting get my feelings out kind of thing that’s more personal than this will be most likely & would love for anyone who’s interested to read it.  I have it passworded but I know quite a few of you from either rl or your own blogs & have added my email at the bottom of both my about & crash course about this blog pages so if you’d like it…I’d be glad to share it with anyone who wants it.  *smiles* Thanks for all the support & everything & will as always try to do better at posting!  Huggies & have a great weekend!

Edit: *laughs & blushes* just realized I forgot to link the site…SafePlaceforG

Hold on to your…

…Whatever it is you have to hold onto…just got done at the movies & what I would not give to have someone look at me that way just once…it’d be worth so much…*laughs* & now done with my temporary moment of mushiness lol so go on with your night!

Uh oh more thoughts

The other day me & a friend of mine were talking about me & my personality & me being submissive, & how I seem to be all right being on my own. I know that’s a common thing with most submissives…especially those who are comfortable in their own skins.  Anyway…after we logged off of Skype, I got to thinking about what we’d been talking about right beforehand & I wanted to put my thoughts out there & see what other people think.

I have to wonder if maybe what I & many other people have thought was me being submissive was just another side of something much more primal & core to me.  When I’m in a relationship with someone, over my entire life, I have been very changeable.  If I really cared about someone or was very involved in the relationship, I would either consciously or subconsciously…sometimes both…change things about myself to either please them or suit the relationship.  And before, it was like giving up my own identity because I did it so completely since I didn’t really know who I was.

I have realized tho, in the 2 relationships I’ve had since I broke & had to put myself back together again, that I did do that with them as well but…didn’t lose myself in the process.  And because I do focus so much on pleasing the other person…to make them happy which makes me happy…it feels so much like being submissive.  But I’ve also realized in the last couple of years that my core personality has never quite finished growing up.  She’s the 1 that so very few people even know exist let alone meet or spend time with because the rest of us keep her so guarded.  She is our hopes & dreams & optimism & where our real heartfelt love for someone comes from.  She is the best of us which is why we have to keep her safe & protected.  She’s been broken once…that can’t happen again…we refuse to allow it.

Anyway…to get back to my point again *laughs* I can feel myself doing it again.  As I open myself up, I have felt things changing inside me…tho to be honest this time there’s been much less change, & the changes that are happening are probably for the best of all of us.  I am again having to deal with my feminine side…which anyone who knows me well knows is hidden or buried most of the time.  Tho now, I’m slowing learning or am able to use what I have learned over the last few years & am able to deal with it & even express myself articulately about how I feel.  And it’s as my feminine side opens up that the self questioning about me being submissive comes about.

I don’t know if it’s something that just is…which means I most likely am submissive…or if it’s something learned or that happens later in life in which case I’m not sure I am really submissive like I first thought.  Because it’s such a part of me…it’s how I’ve always been…so it’s hard to figure out which way it goes.  I just know that when I care about someone…anyone who is important to me…I give & change to make their lives better & that is what makes me happy.  I’m not being forced to or feel like I have to do it to keep them in my life…it’s just what I do because their happiness is my happiness.  Tho I’m starting to think when there’s real feelings there…there’s much less change needed because the feelings wouldn’t be there if I wasn’t close to whatever they needed & wanted to begin with.

Anyway…this is just something I’ve been thinking about lately so thanks everyone for being here & listening & hopefully will be posting more sooner rather than laters!  hugs to all of you.

 

What’s going thru my head right now…

I’ve had some things going thru my head off & on over the last few days & have finally decided that I need to write it down to see if it makes any kind of sense.

I know what I want & am sure it’s right.  Problem is….there are so many variables between here & there that…as happy & content as I am most of the time, there are times when it seems so damned impossible I just want to cry.  I have so many things I want & don’t get me wrong I’m grateful but…there’s just times when…the realist gets in the way & points out how low the chances are it’ll ever come to fruition.  I know I just need to have patience but oftentimes that’s easier said than done especially when feelings or emotions are concerned.  It’s not about being treated badly or being lied to or used because lord knows that is definitely not happening.  This is me…in my head & heart & mind.  I want so much…hell feel so damned much &…it scares me so much to feel like this especially given how my life is right now.

And now…to make things even more frightening, I’ve gotten to where I’ve crossed my own personal line too much for comfort.  I honestly don’t regret it a bit but…I don’t like the way it makes me see myself sometimes, either.  Because losing control like that…it feels so delicious & amazing & awesome that it’s almost addictive….but it’s not how I wanted things to be right now either.  I’ve done things so good…am so proud at how well I’ve handled myself over the last few months…but right now…if things keep happening like they have been, I’m afraid I’m not going to be happy with myself & that’s the last thing I want because dammit as I said…my life right now is right…I don’t want my own stupidity to screw it up so I have to figure out what to do.  I don’t want any regrets…haven’t had any so far & want to keep it that way so…*shakes her head* I’ve just got to figure out what to do.  I’ve seen where the way things are heading in my life lead & I don’t want to do that again to anyone I care about in my life so I have to deal with it now before it gets to the point where it all goes bad.

I know what I want…my version of the fairytale.  To fall in love & be loved back, & to be able to be with him the way we should be, & eventually married.  Which means I have to do it right so…*sighs* as much as it pains me I’m afraid I’m gonna have to rebuild my walls just a bit…just enough to keep from messing things up by doing things I know I’m not really ready for.

Thanks to all of you for listening & hope you all have an awesome weekend!