I have come to a decision about my life

As anyone who has been following my blog here for a while knows, I’ve been trying to find that special someone…& usually not having alot of luck tho I have met some amazing people along the way.  But after these last few days…I have decided.  I am…by choice…unless some miracle I can’t even imagine happens…will be spending the rest of my life single.  Right now…I just cannot imagine…being in a relationship…& have given up hope of finding 1.  I know they always say to stop looking & love will find you but for someone like me…doesn’t work that way.  I have social anxiety, & am very shy on top of that, so if I am not pushing myself to get out & meet people…looking for that someone…I don’t leave the house except to go to work or the doctor, & really only talk with good friends online…with an occasional comment or answer back on someone’s blog.  I am pretty much done with secondlife unless Arial wants me to get on there or 1 of my few other good friends from there, I play by myself or with my son or Arial or Lea on WoW so no meeting people because I avoid places with lots of people as much as I can…the normal clichéd advice just doesn’t work for me…what with me being the way I am.  So…i’m hanging it up.  Am even to the point where I’m not praying for a miracle because the constant trying & just finding people who could care less about my mind & who I really am & are much more impressed with my ability for quick arousal or multiple orgasms.  That just depresses me beyond words & it’s easier to just not try at all & live with my walls up & in my own head than to try & get rejected or used over & over again.  I know everyone goes thru that but I have never really learned how to properly deal with people…even now I have so many problems with it I’m not much better than a high school freshman at their most awkward stages.  I’m that scared, awkward girl who hides in the corner at the few parties she’s forced to go to…hoping no 1 notices her so she doesn’t freeze up & look stupid.  So I’m going to give up…& just stop putting myself thru it.  I’ve been alone for the most part relationship-wise for the last 14 years…almost 15 since the last year of my marriage was a complete joke.  There were 2 good ones in there tho 1 of them was alot better in my head than in real life.  But the last 1 spoiled me enough so that I can’t accept anything less…refuse to because I know I’m better than that…so it’s time to do something about it.  I know I’m rambling here but…I’m just thinking as I type.  I know what I want & can’t seen to find it.  I want a man who thinks my obsession with WoW & kitties & comic book movies & boybands & my constant fan girling is adorably or adorkably cute…who will encourage my writing or whatever else is important to me at the time & will help me discover & make come true my dreams.  I would worship the ground that man walked on if I ever found him but as it is now…it’s just a pipe dream & I’m cutting myself off from the pipe.

Anyway…*laughs & blushes* sure wasn’t meaning for it to end up like that but…figured it was time to get on here & finally put my heart out there for everyone & show why I’ve not been around much.  When you have things like that running around in your head…not much else can come out so there it is.  Huggies to everyone & thank you as always!

Yays a post for no reason!

Random blog topic – Does your “online” voice differ from your “offline”?

Yes…very much so…at least to people who aren’t really good friends with me.  My online voice is the me who I usually am once you get to know me…well after the first meeting.  I’m much more painfully shy in public than I am online.  Also online I’m more liable…at least in SL…to be in roleplay mode which is completely different than the real me.  Much more confident & knowledgeable & open for anything than the naive, shy normal me in real life is.   Online is where I first learned to let go & let myself give up control to someone else, & where I first realized that I was a little…finally able to put a name to the way I’ve been for pretty much as long as I can remember.  Even on WoW I’m braver than I am in real life so yeah….it may not so much differ just…the inside me that’s usually hidden comes out & can seem to some people as if it’s almost 2 different people.

TMI Tuesday

Can we talk… relationships?

relationship diagram

1. What is the first thing that pops into your mind when you see an attractive person?

Wow they’re pretty or wow they’re good looking…& if it’s a woman that she has great boobs usually.

2. What is your idea of a dream date? Describe the person and the type of date experience.

Person would be whoever it was I wanted to  be with in a relationship…no particular type other than most likely dominant, & the type of date…a night time picnic somewhere just the 2 of us.

3. How many serious relationships have you had? Were you in love?

5…I thought I was during with 2 of them & was in love with 2 of the others…the 1st I was too young as it was in my childhood but very serious for that age.

4. How many casual sexual relationships have you had?

in real life…just 1…almost all of mine were actual relationships when it came to sex.  On Secondlife…lol I don’t wanna count cause i’m not sure I could remember them all & it would depress me lol

5. What will ruin a relationship for you?

Lying

Bonus: What is your definition of sexy?

someone who knows who & what they are & accepts it & lets it show…oh LOL & great boobs helps *grins*

My Best Friend (repost)

My best friend

I posted this the other day on another blog but felt like I should repost it here.

The other day, was talking to someone & even not knowing us he called her my BFF & even if it does sound high schoolish at this age it’s appropriate even if only…according to her…we’re stuck together because no 1 else would ever want us if we ever stopped talking to each other.  Even her husband says that we share the same brain…she & i that is because he has no brain to share. *grins*  But he wanted to know more about her so i’m going to use this post to do it.

We met thru my sister when she was 12 & i was 17.  She went to school with my sister but since by then i’d already quit high school & gotten my GED i stayed at the house most of the time when i wasn’t off with my fiance.  Needless to say we all got along quite well & even got to the point where the 3 of us would write stories together…a combination of bad Mary Sue fiction & soap opera scripts all wrapped up together.  They were bad yes but they were totally enjoyable to do at the same time.  In fact we still do them to this day tho they are alot better than they were then…or at least i like to think they are. *laughs*

About the time my sister hit 16, she got involved with a super snooty group in school & barely talked to all of her old friends who weren’t part of that group.  The bad thing about that is over the years, i still talk to all of those friends.  2 of them i talk to every day & the other 2 have moved out of town but i still keep in good contact with them.  As it was, over the years i ended up being friends with a couple of Debbie’s sisters but ended up as better friends with her than i ever was with either of them.  So we just stayed that way.  She was living with her now husband by then but he worked nights so i would go over there in the late evening & keep her company until i went home about 2am.  That happened even after they had a baby & got married tho we did have a period where we didn’t talk to each other after things came up & i couldn’t be in here wedding like i’d said i would be.  And i agree it was bad timing because it was last minute but it just couldn’t be helped.  Thankfully she managed to overlook it eventually tho we did stop talking again a month or so before I got married because she hated my husband.  But i went ahead & invited her to the wedding & she decided to not make me suffer because i thought i was in love with a king sized jerk & other than that…i think we’ve had 1 other time where we stopped talking & it was only for a few weeks & over something stupid so it doesn’t even matter anymore…at least not to me.

Now…as she said…we are stuck with each other because we’d never in a million years find anyone who could understand us like we do each other…as sad as that is sometimes.  We got on SecondLife together & were there for almost 3 years, we played WoW together, we write stories together when we’re not both suffering from writer’s block…to be honest i don’t know what i’d do if we did stop talking.  We’ve known each other for 23 yrs last month & there’s not alot i can remember before i knew her i’ve known her so long.  We’ve been there for the most part for everything single thing that’s happened & i can’t imagine going thru something without at least knowing she’s there.  When you’re content to just sit there & listen to each other type & breathe…it’s not someone you want to shove out of your life.  So thank you to her for being there no matter how stupid she thought i was being or when i thought she was the idiot…it means more than i’ll ever be able to say to have you there even when we’re both eejits of the highest.

Originally posted on an older blog on 2012/11/11

Yes I know I should be in bed… (repost)

…but I had to do this 1st.  I just watched a movie & it combined with various other things has got me thinking so much so that I’m not even going to bother trying to go to sleep until I get this out.

It was called Fat Like Me & alot of the things in the movie were true.  I hate what I’ve let myself become…how I’ve let everyone down & I know that everyone says I haven’t but I feel like I have so that’s what matters.  My mom…i love her to death but she had no idea whatsoever to do with the shy, scared little girl I was then & still am to this day no matter how fat I am or that I’m a mother in my own right or that I’ll be 40 in less than 2 years.  And dad was the same way so he couldn’t help either…no 1 in my family really had any clue what to do with me till it was too late to help.

I would give anything to be able to lose weight but fear pure & simple stops me every time & I don’t know how to get past it.  I’m scared of no 1 liking me, of being alone my whole life partnershipwise, scare of being laughed at or rejected or looked down upon because like most people…all those things have happened to me many times in the past.  Unlike most people…I have never learned to deal with any of those things & haven’t a clue what to do.  I’m very well aware that everyone goes thru those things & most people live thru them quite well but I don’t know how.  And how do you learn those things?  So instead, you make yourself weigh 360 lbs…partly because if you’re fat no 1 will look at you so you won’t have to bother putting yourself out there to be rejected because they just never bother to notice you or else I feel as if I don’t deserve any better than to kill myself with food.  And no matter what anyone says…that is exactly what I’m doing.

I know this is all I I I & me me me but until I can fix I I I & me me me…I’m no good to anyone else.  I want my kid to be proud of me, not offer to put my socks on for me cause i can’t get my fat foot up to where I can reach it myself…or for him to offer to carry the groceries cause I get so out of breath from it or the dozens of other little things he’s done because I’m fat & he’s seen it every day of his life & knows it’s only getting worse.  He loves me the way I am & amazingly enough isn’t embarrassed by me which is an amazing thing to me since I’m so embarrassed of myself.  Anyway…I just wanted to get this out before I went to bed so maybe now I can get a little bit of sleep.  Thanks for listening & huggies to everyone.

Originally posted on my earlier blog on 2010/08/25/

TMI Tuesday

Party Fears

KEEP CALM YOU'RE INVITED2

Good News: You’ve been invited to party!
Bad News: You have certain concerns. . .

1) Arrival. Are you afraid (a) that you can’t find the address, (b) that you will be early, (c) that you will be late, (d) other?

D – all of the above

2) Clothing. Are you afraid (a) you will be underdressed, (b) overdressed, (c) dressed for the wrong activity, (d) don’t have items that you need, e.g. swimsuit, (e) other?

e – LOL all of the above

3) Drinks. Are you afraid that (a) you will drink too much, (b) that you will drink too little, (c) other people will drink too much, (d) there won’t be anything good that’s non-alcoholic, (e) other?

C

4) Food. Are you afraid that (a) the food will be too new-fangled and trendy, (b) the food will be conventional and boring, (c) there won’t be anything you want to eat, (d) there won’t be any food and you are hungry, (e) other?

E – that’s something I’d never think of is food at a party unless it’s specified in the invitation in which case it’d be spelling out so no other worries there anyway

5) Music. Are you afraid that (a) the music will be too loud, (b) there won’t be music or you won’t be able to hear it, (c) the music will be of a new genre you don’t like or can’t understand, (d) the music will be boring oldies, (e) other?

E – something I’ve never worried about because I listen to pretty much anything or can ignore it quite well

6) Later. Are you afraid that (a) the party will end too soon and it won’t have been worth the trouble, (b) the party will go on too long, (c) other?

C – that I’ll be stuck alone at the snack table all night & end up with a tummyache lol

7. Afterward. Are you afraid that (a) you will end up in bed with the wrong person and the sex will be bad, (b) that you will end up in bed with the wrong person and the sex will be great, (c) that you will end up in bed with the right person and there won’t be any sex, (d) that you will end up in bed with the right person who wants sex but you are too tired, (e) other?

E – no fears there cause I’d go home alone with my tummy ache & complain to my cats lol

Boring yes I know but lol I am definitely not a party person at all so at least I was honest. *grins*

Need a little help here

I…as everyone knows…have been trying to lose weight.  And I do good at it…as long as I exercise.  Thing is…I have no motivation at all & can’t think of any rewards that would actually make me do it.  So a couple of my more dominant & submissive friends both suggested punishment.  Something I hate but that I would do even tho I hate it.  Problem is…I can’t come up with a single stinking thing.  I draw even more of a blank on that than on rewards.  You’d think being a little it would make it easier but I’m just so inexperienced at stuff like this I haven’t a clue.  So if anyone has any suggestions or ideas I’d be more than happy to hear them. *smiles*  Thank you whether you have any or not…you’re still all appreciated.